Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
My mind keeps spinning in circles. I am trying to move forward with my life but either I get stuck or set back. I just passed my 3rd year of being alone. I thought the pain was easing but the feelings of loneliness and being alone hit hard. I have fallen back into the no ambition mode and constant mind turning. I have no one other than my kids to talk to and they don't understand what I am dealig with. It is eating at me badly and I can't shake it. It all started on the anniversary of the day my husband died. I got a phone call telling me my husband's sister lost her husband. I felt sorry for her as I knew what she was going through, but then again I didn't as she and her sister have treated me as I don't exist unless it is convenient for them. I knew they would be making arrangements etc. Not once that week did they contact me. I found out about the arrangements via facebook. I never really got along with the sister who lost her husband as she is the baby of the family and everyone had to dote on her. I wasn't invited to her wedding and not included in anything they did together so I decided to stay away as I have had enough of her drama over the past 31 yrs. Of course after the funeral and things were over I get a text from the oldest sister calling me and my youngest daughter disrespectful for not showing up. I didn't know the guy and neither did my daughter. There is alot more to the drama but I don't need to go there. To top it off she told us to leave things alone that they put on my husband's grave since her husband is now buried next to our plots. I really want to bring up all the times they disrespected my husband and all the stress they put him under but I know it won't do any good. Looking back at the pictures of my husband now I believe that was a big part of his death. His heart just couldn't take it anymore. We never should have moved back to help with our parents. I wish I had someone to talk with who would understand what I am going through inside. I can't get it out of my mind and I sound like a broken record. I feel this is preventing me from moving forward.
I am learning to guard my inner resources. That is a hard lesson, for when I start feeling "good" for a few days, I hope to have turned some magical corner and want to function as I did before..
If you have no supportive adult to confide in, it is easy to let thoughts and emotion start spinning. That gets out of control in a hurry!.
You can journal or post here. But attempt finding some new safe ways of venting too.
I am a very concrete person.. I may write things out, but being very private (and grief has been so difficult among family), I don't want to leave that kind of stuff lying around where anyone could read it. So I either use a passworded site to store it, Or just shred papers up. Usually a combination of writing and giving it to God, maybe talking to a lady friend. Anything except stuffing it down inside myself any longer than circumstances force me to.
I know how rare confidantes become for a widow. Sometimes it seems like that could kill me.
If I were in your place, I would not give any more energy to family who never have, and will never share life with you again.. At most, a very simple reply, just to stay civil and avoid conflict.
I don't know about anyone else, but I am completely unable to DO any serious conflict now.
All my best to you.
Hang in there.
You already know for a sure fact that your husband would tell you to dump this stuff with your family and do so right away. Times are now that things fall and/or things stand. What falls is what's collapsing your thoughts and harming your emotions; what stands is the enriching love you have stored in heart for your husband and the love you each share for children; notice that I speak of him in the present tense and not grammatically in the passive voice. He may not be physically weighed-in, where you may visibly see him; yet his spirit lives and your husband's vibes are felt in your heart for now, you are a part of his very active soul. For better of worst is still a factor here, even more so with him after his death.
Your husband would not accept what these people do now. And I've found family to show signs of cowardice behavior, oddly after the loss of a devoted husband in many cases. They know what they do is mean and thoughtless, believe me. These family folks are all saying and doing useless things in which they would never have considered doing to you as he lived, because he would call a halt to stop them. Dump the stuff and find your glory in living within the peace of your husband's love which he leaves still for you and your children. He would tell you (without a blink) to move forward without them and that this bridge with your family has finally collapsed and is just too unsafe for further crossing. Perhaps later a change with them will come, but for now it is not at all worth the loss of precious brain cells. Sorry to be so blunt, but this is a matter that's very familiar to me.
Best to you,
Remiah
It's difficult enough coping with our loss, the family entanglements only add to the stress.
Possibly you could let your phone calls go to voice mail/check caller ID, that way you only have to pick up when it's someone you wish to talk with.
Blessings, strength for another day
jdp