I have noticed the last week or so there are a number of new members to our group. While I am saddened you had to join I am happy to know you have found the strength to find help and healing. I myself am five months into my journey and have been here since the beginning. Reading peoples stories and struggles has helped me in so many ways and being able to voice my thoughts at any hour of the day has helped my sanity. Everyone is different but the pain is always the same. I wanted to shed some light on my life 5 months in, maybe someone will see themselves in me.

5 months in and I have cleaned out my husbands things and stopped wearing my wedding ring. I am in the tail end of selling my house and buying another one out of state ( I know this is a no-no the first year but for me it had to happen). I have had to deal with probate and lawyers as he didn't leave a will. I am heping my oldest move out and preparing my youngest to move away and leave their friends. I have health issues with one of my dogs. I seem to be bleeding money with everyones hands out after my husbands death. I have had to leave my job because of the stress of the move. What I have discovered the last week is I sleep like crap. It takes me hours to fall alseep. Six pillows and two dogs and I still end up in the middle of the bed because neither side feels right. I go to sleep many times early because I hope to see my husband in my dreams but the visions are ususally of him while he was dying. I try to limit my trips outside, I hate the idea of running into people who I know who either know about his passing or don't but still want to discuss it. My daily baths that were always comfort to me feel useless and a waste of time. I have now limited myself to a 2 second shower, no more music or candles- just business. I am excited about my new life, near my family but I can't seem to let myself think about it too much because I keep thinking something will go wrong. I try to go out with friends mostly from work as often as I can, getting out in public is a nightmare but I need adult conversation. So many times I want to bring up my husband, my pain and loss. The subject always quickly changes, I am left to share my loss with no one.  For the hell of it I started to look at a 50 pluse singles website in my new area, though the idea of someone even talking to me makes me feel guilty. Once I saw what was out there I know I will be alone forever. As superficial as these thoughts are they are honest. I am just human. So that is me in a nut shell, look tough and got it all together but look a little closer and I am a mess just trying to get through another day. But I can post something and if I am lucky someone will post something back, some positive some not to my liking but these days I will take any communication I can get. But I will still wake up tomorrow and try it again and again. I know in time it will get better. I used to wonder how would it be when I could say 4 weeks had passed and then 2 months. My new goal is 6 months and then a year. The holidays are coming up and I am scared of how I will handle it but all I can do it wait to see.