dont push your children away,but dont overwhelm them with your grief. your loss is so great,they have also felt loss. in the end ,my children and grandchildren have kept me alive

Thank you. I tried not to but I get so over whelmed by everything and then get so damn mad that my best friend is gone and I feel alone.

jean and i were married 47 yrs,she was my best and only friend, she died 13 months ago and i am still lost,but the only joy i feel in this life comes from those kids and kiddos

If it wasn't for my kids, I likely would choose an easier way out. Them being alive is keeping me alive.

Thank you all.

Yep same here...my kids and grandbabies are all that is keeping me going.

I felt exactly the same way as you're feeling. I shut EVERYONE out of my life for months after my dear husband died. My daughter (I only have one child) called me every day to make sure I was okay, but I couldn't wait to get off the phone. I felt like no one - no one - understood how I was feeling. Then, I tripped upon this site. It saved my life - literally. EVERYONE here, without exception, knew exactly how I was feeling. Maybe we didn't have the exact same circumstances, but we UNDERSTOOD. I pored my heart, mind and soul out, as did the others who were within these walls. We held each other up when we felt like giving up. "Time" was a 4-letter word to me. I just wanted to be like Rip van Winkle and fall asleep until the pain and loss went away. I can only promise you that, with time, your feelings will not go away, but they will become a part of you with which you can live. And, although that may not be the way we'd like it to be, we accept it and move forward. My heart aches for you and my soul wishes you whatever peace you may find.
Terry

I agree with what nebby said. You are the magic.

We are like an amputee who wishes to get his arms or legs back. Life is defeating and purposeless at the moment. Rehab and keep going is all we can do now.

My children were only 14 & 9 - I prayed every night to die. I felt that they would be so much better without me. I tried to die, I stopped cleaning, cooking, & shopping - I would give my 14 year old the debit card and tell her to feed her brother.

What an AWFUL feeling that gives me to speak those words... I cannot believe that I would be so heartless...their dad just died... I did not care in the least! - I cannot fathom hurting my children like that. BUT...... I would have taken more pills if they had not been there.

I know you keep hearing this but a day at a time.... OH MY GOD... I swear it gets better!!

Sweetie, you have to find a balance and be honest about it to all your kids etc.
Here's The Deal: you gotta tell them the truth, It's too overwhelming to have your grief "on other peoples' schedules" . ie; your sorrow has a life of it's own. When you try to keep it within certain controlled timelines, it stands up, stomps it's foot and says "You're not the boss of me!" SO if you can't even schedule it yourSelf, it is certainly impossible to write other loved ones "in ink". You gotta pencil them in, yet be flexible, as required for survival. You are living on Rations, like in war.
I will tell you right now: your kids & grandkids (if they are grown) will resent it if they "surmise" (google it ;-) that there is some kind of "you vs. them contest" about Who is hurting "More" about his absence from all your lives.
BUT you Need To be assertive for the amount of private space you need to Do This. All our kids suddenly rise up and start parenting US! You will be angry, but try to remember who the enemy is. It's not them, but Death.
Because all you're trying to do is survive this (or not) because none of us want to go through this. It sucks..
It helps to write emotional shit out on paper. Then burn it, or shred it- whatever feels best to you.
Can't say I have mastered this yet.
BUT.
Perhaps someday soon I will miss the target by smaller margins. I friggin love the little .22 my husband gave me for one Mother's Day.
With some Roses.
;-)
Big hug,
B. (62 yr old widow and still breathing).

I read what you all are saying to me that I need my children. So today I sent the day with my 3 year old granddaughter and one of my sons (her Uncle). We went out to eat and she had corn on the cob but had me cute it off the cob. She looked at me and said “Papa did that to Grandma”. It was so hard not to just break down but I didn’t because I didn’t want her to think she said something wrong. The only time I don’t think about him or hurt is when I sleep but then I wake up. I have caught myself begging for him to just take me with him. Please everyone I couldn’t ever take my own life!! But lord the pain. Thank you all for reading my on and on writing.

We're all in the same boat.
Feeling the same way.
The struggle is real, and The Adversity is Within.
x<-- little kiss
O<---- big hug.
B.

I know you don't see how things can get better. All you can see at first is the pain. I know what you mean about not knowing how to go on. Just look at you though. You are making an effort. You spent time with your son. You are already putting aside your feelings and reactions for the sake of your little granddaughter. Good for you. This is a small step forward. You will take many, many more small steps until you see that you are living again. The people here are giving you good advice. Hang on to your family. They will once again become your joy. I am praying for you to have strength to take these steps. Much love.

I miss talking to him at night when he would come home work. He would talk for an hour or two all about his day what equipment he ran wealthy done who worked with him. He would talk about the things they talked about at lunch him in the other guys even tell his kids some of the jokes stupid jokes with that but jokes. I used to say to him “that’s enough I don’t wanna hear no more” I’d give anything to hear him again talk about work. I hate the idea of telling people used to be a heavy equipment operator. I I read all of your guises post to me as if you’re telling it to me face to face but lord this hurts. I never thought I’d ever be on a Page like this but thank you thank all of you. I know I’m not the only one out there that’s lost her husband were there wife but I feel so low and you guys make me feel little better every time I read. God bless all of you.

((sohelplessinkansas))

I lost my love of 20 years September 19,2017, also to a six year battle with lung cancer.

I have no words, just know that I do understand. you are not alone in all these feelings. sometimes we start to feel like it is us, but its not its just the grief.


triple hugs~