I don't start a topic too much anymore, but I want to now. There are so many newbies here, and my heart hurts for all of you. I read, in your posts, the same desperation I felt. When will it ease? What should I do? How in hell do I do this? 

I say this: it will ease...but not quite yet. Grief is a learning process. Think of it - how long did it take you to get the hang of being married, when you were first married? And how long did it take you to learn to become a parent? It didn't happen overnight, and neither will grief. Or mourning, call it what you will. Guilt, regret, sorrow, thinking and overthinking - this was my life at first. It was gut-wrenching. But I remember having a moment early on, sitting on my little outside deck, looking at the clouds, and feeling like I was one with the universe (no, I'm not a post hippie). Those moments came, fleetingly, but they did come. This is probably one of, if not the, hardest things for you (and I) to come to grips with. Know that the emotions will come, and go, and come again. And they will suck. Don't beat yourself up. Don't deny those emotions. It will hurt. You will come through this. Hugs to all, Marsha