I am also glad that you have decided what is best, sweetie. You are fortunate to have a good and balanced place to go Be Loved On.
Big hug,
Barb.

Hi vlbarker16 . I'm 23 and my boyfriend's 27. He passed away on the first of March 2017. He asked me to marry him in January. I understand it. My brain understands it, but my heart having difficulty. Unreal is the word that I keep using to myself. It still seems unreal. The pain for the first 2 months was insane. Nonstop sobbing, curling up on the floor, whimpering, going to sleep and waking up crying, migraines from constant thinking, vomiting, weightloss etc. I bet you already know and are going through most of it.

What worked for me:
I focused just on getting through hour by hour and slowly getting through one day at a time. I couldn't focus on the future. It was too painful. I could focus on whatever task I had to do at uni and house chores that I need to do. But my brain was very foggy - I'm a goal oriented, straight A student who was always good at time management. But my brain has become so slow, couldn't concentrate and focus, forgetting things. Try to be patient with yourself when this happens.

I was staying alone too. All my family were overseas for the first 2 months. I kept talking to myself. Telling myself that I'm ok over and over. I'm an introvert too and I hate asking people for help so I had to be there for me. Try to be kind to yourself.

I would also suggest buying books on grief. I know you might not want to. I didn't but it has helped me the most and validated that I wasn't going crazy. I would recommend to read "Option B" by Sheryl Sandberg (note: they have an option B closed group in facebook that I've joined). I'm also planning to read "It's Okay to Laugh (Crying Is Cool Too): A Memoir about Loving Madly and Letting Go" by Nora McInnerny ( she also has a widow podcast that I'm planning to find and hear) and "The year of Magical Thinking" by Joan Didion.

I am still struggling but I'm slowly surviving. I've been angry for quite some times too. Still am some days. I still cry everyday but now I'm trying to see if I can place a crying time in my daily list where I can just let go each day and have the rest to focus on things that I need to finish.

I hope this helps. Sending love and prayers. I hope you get through this! I'm here for you

I am so sorry for your loss. This is all so new to you and it is hard for people to deal with death especially when it is a young person who passed. I know the feeling of wanting to go home. I originally came to CA from NY almost 25 years ago. Soon after I met my husband. He was born and raised here and never considered leaving. My whole family is in NY and I miss them every day. My husband passed 12 weeks ago. He left me with 3 teenage boys. I knew almost instantly I needed to move back. It has been a very hard decision as I have lived here almost half my life but I know me and my kids will be in a better place to heal around my family. I don’t expect them to make all the pain go away, you can be in a room with a 100 people and still feel lonely. But, I know they will not judge me and will love me unconditionally. I am flying down at the end of the month to look for a place to live. It is all really scary. You didn’t mention if you had kids or not so I expect you don’t. This makes all your decisions easier. If you can I would consider moving back, if it doesn’t work out you can always move back. That is one of the advantages of being young, you can change your mind and try different things. In time you will heal, give yourself some time to do that. Wish you well.

Sylvia

I lost my fiance in January to suicide. We lived in IN but I'm originally from NY. I stayed in IN for 3 months after he died. The memories hurt so much, like they were smothering me. I moved back to NY in April and it was the best decision I could've made. Just being near my family has helped so much. I hope whatever you decide gives you some hope. That's really all we have right now. Hold on to that, and take it moment by moment for now. Sending prayers and hugs your way!

Thank you so much! It's been awhile since I've been on here. I went to the cemetery the other day for the first time and I feel like it shattered my heart all over again. Having people to relate to has been helpful and I can't thank you enough for support!