Thanks for sharing, and venting :) I think these are things a lot of us experience.

I also lost my mom last year in March, my wife in July, and my best friend in September. I also felt less pain from the other losses than my wife of 25 years. I sat shiva (Jewish mourning) for a week alone in my house after Arlene died; people are supposed to make short visits & bring food, but nobody came.

People tell me "you've been through a lot" and they don't seem to think I should be "over it." A nice security guard in the Rite Aid one block from our house, where we went together frequently, always says a nice hello and asks how I am? A lady in the Dunkin Donuts we went to always liked us, and she is specially sweet when I go. About a month ago she asked me, "So it's been about 3 months, how are doing?" I had to tell her it was more than 6 months, and I thanked her. Even sympathetic people are not going to remember details that are very important to ourselves.

Our daughter has made an effort to communicate with me regularly. She lives a couple of towns away with her husband, and she is busy with 2 jobs and going to college. I was at their house Christmas Eve (Jews in NY often celebrate Christmas, not for religious reasons, just because it's cheerful), they invited me to my son-in-law's birthday party and I helped her pick out an electric guitar for Misha, sometimes I meet them or her for a coffee or a beer - and we are discussing going to a Buzzcocks concert together next week. When Susannah was a little girl she loved bubble gum, so I sang a song to her "Bubblegum Addict" - in her early teens, she realized it was based on the Buzzcocks "Orgasm Addict" so going to the show together has personal meaning.

Some new friends invited me to their family Passover Seder which was nice, because I used to have the Seder with my mom. Other friends are planning a birthday party for me, because my best friend Mario used to throw a Mexican birthday for me every year, my birthday is on Cinco de Mayo and my dad was half Mexican.

I guess what's different for me is that I had strong friendships and relationships outside of my marriage. I know a lot of people say that other couples they socialized with don't understand how it feels to lose a spouse, and they are either unsympathetic or awkward.

I have connected with people over grief. A couple of people I know told me that they lost babies last year. I think they told me to indicate that on some level they can empathize with my losses. Showing empathy is an important part of human relations.

Since you sound lonely, you can make new friends. I have made an effort to go to networking events, and I made a couple of new friends that way. Meetup.com has groups for almost any interest. There are lots of other ways to meet new people. If you're unhappy with your current friends, make new ones (when you are ready).

11 weeks is not enough time to be THROUGH - and you will never be OVER your loss. You will learn to live without Gary, just like you lived without Gary before you met him. Last night I lay in bed and missed Arlene, felt the pain. She died almost 9 months ago.

2 or 3 months after Arlene died, I was still working on a new routine, trying to concentrate on work and failing sometimes, and still dealing with all the practical matters, closing accounts, and planning what to do with the clothes and stuff. A couple of weeks ago I had a mild depression, I had trouble concentrating, but it passed. I am sure it was triggered by the anniversary of my mom's death, and the holiday without them. I think Mother's Day is also going to be tough.

At least you can be assured that people here in the group on DS can empathize with you, and will listen to your rants, and be here for you.

I had yet another insensitive comment made just this evening...my own mother said 'at least you won't have to push that heavy wheelchair around'...I was flabbergasted...I told her that I would gladly 'push it around' 24/7 if it meant that Tom was still here..although I'm sure she meant well (most of them do) it still cut like a knife...

I like Maggie's comment. Why? Because if we do not educate people somewhat how will they know? I have said many times why don't we teach something about grief and loss?

Rewriting your address book. All the friends we horseback rode with, snowmobiled with ever ask me to go along. I can drive my trailers and met them. I feel like I have the plague. In my rural area finding girlfriends is tough & its not the same.

The comments in the beginning I felt were so unmeaning not just what was said. That was sadder. We just do not know until we are here do we?

Yesterday I had a comment from one of Ryan's very close friends whom I actually consider my friend as well that made me step back and think in my head "Did he just say that?" He said this was the first time someone had died that because I didn't have a funeral and or viewing for him that he felt he didn't have closure. It was Ryan's choice to have his body cremated and then he wanted a party, everyone to look at pictures and think of good times not the bad. I carried out every one of his wishes. My reply to him was that Ryan had been sick for a long time and the last four months we new it was coming it was just a matter of when. I understand people have their own families and that people can't stop living because Ryan was sick but there was plenty of time in any of the three years that Ryan was sick to get closure and make peace with him eventually dying. I told him straight out that I can't provide him closure when honestly I haven't even gotten to the point of it yet.

Kimmy, I would have told him to go to the cemetery and get his "closure."

LOL . . good one master! I echo your sentiment!

kimmy....does he really think you get "closure" from seeing a body in a casket, just OMG! Do we ever get "closure"....I hate that word!


Just this morning my oldest told me just once he would like to call me and I sound normal...you know, not crying.....GOD! I tried to tell him my life is anything but NORMAL.