Just needed to vent, Thanks!

I try and understand or at least not let it bother me what others say. If they have never experienced what we have had to go through, are going through they won't understand. So just smile and say thanks.

Eventually at least 49.9% of everyone married will go through what we are going through, at different times, different ages, with different feelings for their departed loved ones. Then they too will understand.

As for "call me if you need anything" it's words that people feel are approperate at the moment. And maybe at the moment they meant it. Even my own sons, when I mention Ray I can tell they don't want to talk about him. I also try not to bother them much, wait and only ask for help when it is totally necessary. Things will get done when they get done, who am I trying to impress anyway?

No matter where we go or what we do there will always be someone that will say something that hits the wrong way. My personal goal is to give them an answer that guarantees they will never say things like that to me again.

Maggie

Vent away Garmel. Yes, I do understand those often time empty words "let me know what I can do". Well, not a hell of alot coming out of the mouths of many. Yet, I do take someone up on an immediate offer when it's sincere. I've always been a very strong and independent woman, but sometimes we do need help. I'm learning to be a gracious receiver as well as giver. Just one of the many lessons I'm learning from going "through" this experience If I didn't get it before, I'm certainly getting it now . . laid up with a broken leg. I'm totally dependent on others' help just to get up and to the bathroom, or bring a drink of water, simple daily functions that I took for granted until now. (Thankfully I have a dear friend in town and a few fam members in for the weekend . . blessings). Just another "growing" curve. I will certainly appreciate mobility in future and I think I'll have a lot more empathy and sympathy for those that struggle with pain!! Always inherent lessons to be learned through our trials and tribulations. Keep it moving . . . and learn to graciously accept help when you need it. Hugs to all, xo, Dayna

Dayna, I was sorry to read that you now have a broken leg. This is one of my fears. I landed in the emergency room a few days before Christmas last year. I suffered all night and is was about 2 o'clock in the afternoon that I finally got some one to take me to the hospital. Long story short, I had an abrasion on the cornea. I don't know how it happened, but I am thinking from crying and rubbing my eyes so much. Had my husband been alive, I would not have spent all that time suffering. I am still pretty healthy, but these past 31 months have taken there toll. I have a bike that I will absolutely not ride for fear of crashing. I hope to start running again at some point, but even that isn't safe. I dislocated my elbow running trails several years ago. Wish I were closer to give you a hand. pj

I can relate. I am not sure what is worse, having people say off the cuff remarks or not hearing from anyone at all. It seems to be a no win situation. People go on with there lives, we are left alone to deal with our loss.

yes, I am dumbfounded too by all the crazy remarks. Recently another lady I volunteer with said she now understands what I have gone through. Her husband recently diagnosed with terminal cancer. The death of your loved one is the top of the list of life changing events and stressors in life. Please vent any time... We all do understand.

Hello, new member here. My husband passed three weeks ago. So very many people promised to be there for me, said to call anytime, that I was welcome to visit. In this short amount of time the "friends" already do not return my calls, have made it clear they don't have time to spend with me, and when they do communicate with me do not ask how I am; they just talk about all the things they have been doing and all the things they have planned. No offers to include me. Sorry for the whining. It's just hurtful. Pain on top of the already excruciating pain. I am glad I found this support group. Love to you all.

"call me if you need anything"

I wonder what they would do if you asked for their number...?

Or my personal 'favorite' is 'Don't worry...there might be something around the corner'...
What could possible be 'around the corner' that could fill the void left by losing one's soulmate? I want to scream...but, as with every other offensive comment, I suppose people mean well..and don't know what else to say...sometimes it's just best to say 'I'm sorry for your loss' and leave it at that...

I just tune it out... AlI hear is "I'm sorry."

No one who has not experienced the loss of their spouse or soul mate could ever truly understand our pain. They have good intentions but the next time someone tells me what my husband would have wanted for me I may just punch them! They have no idea how hurtful words can be. I try to just ignore and not let it get to me but as I approach his birthday in a couple of weeks I know the words will be coming again. Hugs to all and so thankful for this group.

I just thought of another thing a couple of people have said to me that was like a knife through my heart...something to the effect of 'you've taken care of him for a long time, this will be of some relief'..(not exact words, but that was the basic sentiment)..Relief? Really? I wanted to tell these people that 'relief' would be if I woke up and realized this was a nightmare...'relief' would be if I had been called and told it was a mistake'...just wanted to add that...don't know why it took me so long to remember..guess my brain is overloaded right now...

I like themaster's idea of asking them for their phone number - make them think about it!

All these comments will hit you the wrong way at some point. And your anger and/or upset about them is one indicator that you are going through the anger stage of grieving. It's normal. After a time, they will not piss you off so much.

It's been said a thousand times here before but it's true: Grief rewrites your address book. It rewrote mine in some major ways. People I thought would be there for me and for my boys simply weren't. Okay, I am a big girl and could accept I needed to stand on my own two feet, but everybody that knew us also knew my sons were going to need extra help (they are both on the autism spectrum), and almost no one came through for them. That was the hardest for me I think.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I guess I was fortunate in that I had long since disconnected myself from all old "friends" and so forth. But I'm an anti-social semi-recluse kind of guy, anyway.