I am at 2 yrs. and 8 months. I have to say that the debilitating pain and horrid sadness has eased for me. Yes, that grief wave still hits me sometimes, pulling at me to carry me back toward the deep parts of the sadness. Because of time (yes, I said time) and striving to learn as much about grief as I possibly can, by reading, going to a Grief Group, going to a private counselor, being on a grief site before DS, and now DS, all of these things have helped me to face my grief and move along this journey.

There are still times when I feel so very alone, but, I am alone. Actually, I have grown to like my alone time. I have my own routine and if someone else is here, then, I'm kind of glad when they go. Of course, if Joe could be here, that would be a different story, but, he can't. So, I've learned to deal with it.

I believe a lot of facing this grief and learning to deal with it is all about attitude. The attitude that I can do this, I can be happy, mainly because what else it there to do? I'm not ready to die or just 'be here', not like at the beginning of this journey.

As far as someone saying that because I have a more positive attitude than a few others means that I don't love my husband as much as they do, well, that is a cop out. I loved Joe with ALL MY HEART. We were married over 38 yrs. and dated 2 yrs before that, so had over 40 yrs of being in each other's lives, from 17 yrs old.

Of course, I will ALWAYS miss him. Of course, I will ALWAYS love him. Of course, I will think about him everyday. He would WANT me to live my life in a way that showed that we enjoyed life together, meaning looking for JOY in life NOW.

When the sadness hits, it doesn't stay as long as it once did, and doesn't happen as often. Therefore, I am better the majority of the time.

I hope you find encouragement from DS and begin to feel better. Hugs, Joely

I am sorry that you are still grieving after at almost 9 years. I will not be. You see there are so many things that we have in common and so many things that are different about each and every one of us. The difference between someone who will survive and once again find joy in their lives and someone who will not has less to do with the love that they felt and more to do with their determination and what they tell themselves every step of the way.

Some of us need to prove our love by proving that we will be miserable the rest of our lives. Every moment we say...yes this moment is horrible and it will be horrible for the rest of my life. And you know what...we are right.

Some of us show our love by finding a way to live the joy that our loved ones taught us life was all about. My husband lived life so fully, so completely, and with such passion. It would be an insult to him and his life, our children, and our love to throw away the rest of my life because I lost him. For him I am determined and have always been determined to find a way to live again. Is it easy, "no!" Do I miss him..."more than words can say!" Do I let that keep me from living.."no way!" I will make him proud of me until the day that I join him. I will make a difference in this world.

This is still my life and if I was the one to go first, I would be watching over him and every moment wish for him to live as fully as possible for the rest of his life.

You see, whether or not we are still grieving in five years....in ten years has less to do with our love for them and more to do with our determination, self worth, and self talk. What we decide our lives will be way down the road, is what our lives will be.

Our lives before 'with' our spouses were also not all the same. Then too we had good days and bad days and even then our determination, self worth, and self talk played such a major role in how happy we were.

I'm sorry, but this discussion isn't really about whether or not we ever love again, and more to do with our own determination to take baby steps and force ourselves to live. Living fully and doing whatever it takes to survive the unsurvivable to me has nothing to do with finding someone else, and everything to do with me.

I hope you get good and mad enough some day to force yourself to find a way to begin to put one foot in front of the other to move forward and take the baby steps that it it takes to value your life too. Your husband wasn't the only one that was precious and worth the world. You are too!!

lots of hugs...
-Diana

Diana, I am so with you. People, it's been 5 months and one week for me. I have hurt like hell. Gone through alot of the emotions, I still love my husband and will never get over it. Get past it, yes. My best advice is to pray for strength, patience and healing. It will come. But, we have to help ourselves too. It's a choice to stay stuck in grief. And it's a hell of a battle to fight your way out of it too, but it can be done.

For me, I knew what John wanted me to do. And I'm going to honor that. I'm going to live my life, smile and be happy. And yes, possibly and hopefully find love again. I know I've said in the past that I didn't want to. But, the thing is, I have so much to give and I don't want to be alone.

Self talk is the answer. If you tell yourself you are or want to be miserable, then that is what's going to happen. It takes work and determination and the "want" to get better. I hated waking up with that sense of dread every morning. Now, yes, even after only 5 months, I wake up and it's ok to be awake and living.

It will get better. But you have to want it to get better. It's a choice. Wallow in pity and grief, or take those baby steps to get to where you want to be.

Debbie and Kaaren, I do respect your decisions.

Julie

One thing I forgot to mention. I am a psychology student, and I have been using what I know to help myself through this. I study Cognitive behavioral therapy which is alot of self talk. If I didn't know what I know, I'd probably not be as far as I am.

Diana, I am proud of you, and everyone else who takes the strength and energy to make their own way. I cannot crumble and die, for my husband would be very upset and worried. He would take the responsibility of it being his fault, and it was no one's fault. Crap happens.

I promised him I would live my life every day in a manner that he would be proud of, and I'm doing it.

I can so relate to NewRoads' post. While I'm reading, I'm smiling and thinking, yep, yep, that's me. My mother was the one who gave the advice for me to never depend on any man. Love because I want to, not because I need to. Marry because you want to spend your life with this person, but also keep your independence at the same time.

And, no, this isn't a discussion about whether we will have another partner again. It is talking about our responsibility to do what is best for us, and heal.

Blessings, Debbie

It is three years for me and I got stuck in grief a few times along this path but got back up and started over. Time doesn't cure the grief but it does ease the pain and enable life to be lived again. This does not mean we do not still miss them and ache everyday to have them back just that we have accepted it is not going to happen. I still have no desire for another person in my life but would accept it if it were to happen. I am lonely for him and I still cry for what could have been but time has eased the pain! I hope it does for you someday! Hugs!!!

To all who responded Thank You! If you truly "Read " my "Post" I was stating where I was and Somehow "MyPost" turned into a whole oter discussion! Blessings to all! I"ll see how to go about Closing this post!

Don't close it is a very good post where everyone comes to support you no one meant to offend. We feel how we feel and no feeling is wrong. You loved him very much that is clear and you miss him and that is perfectly okay. Hugs!!!

My gosh, insecure. We read your post. Every word of it. And we are responding in the best way we all know how to. I understand where you are coming from.

Haven't you ever been in a conversation that for some reason, gets off the subject and onto another?

Easier means that the raw pain eases over time. But it doesn't mean that you must forget them, get over them, or not cry. Hey! My husband died May 22 and I still feel like it was yesterday. I still cry. I don't like it, and I don't have to like it either.

Be happy that there are those who cared enough to reply, instead of finding a way to shut your post down.

Closed per request.