When it comes to losing your spouse, most people don't know what they are talking about. Only those that have lost themselves can truly relate.

My husband has been gone almost 16 months now. The sheer pain and fear has lessened. It has become easier to breathe, function and live. But a day doesn't go by that I don't yearn for him, love him, talk about him, or miss him.

My sister and I both agreed that it does get harder as time goes by. Harder in the sense that after the shock has worn off, and we have completed the first year of healing, we now fully realize that we must live out the rest of ours without our partners, or children, etc.

I don't discuss this with anyone, because the first thing they chime with is that I'll find another partner. They just don't get it and not worth telling them that I plain out don't want one, nor do I need one.

Would someone tell my sister to get another child, since she lost one of her own? I don't believe so.

A loss is a loss. From that point one, it is our responsibility to find ourselves, be true to ourselves, and live the best we can.

Blessings, Debbie

Makes sense, but, why would you want to shut yourself out from loving again? Because you fulfilled your vows " till death do us part" you returned to where you started . Myself, I'm 84 and know that even at my age, and with the grace of God would consider someone to share, help, advise, yet know it's probably too late for me so I ask my Lord each and every day to adjust to the life he has presented me with, yet hope that he just might steer me in the same direction he did before. look into what the Bible tells about who should or should not remarry and why.
John.

I'd like to know who this "THEY" is! In my humble opinion, they don't know much.

I find that after slightly over two years, the pain has faded from a sharp and deep 24 hour thing to more of a dull constant ache with occasional moments of distraction.

I think that anyone who quickly "gets over" someone probably didn't need to get over much.

Day to day, immerse yourself in something, and hang in there.

I pray that after nine years I would have found some peace. I am glad to know you are in therapy, I hope it helps to bring you to an easier place. As a community activist I would think you would get a feeling of fulfillment in the help and aid to others. There are many ways to lead our lives and no one can tell us just how long to grieve. I do think we have some choices we can make to work towards a life after the death that will ease our loss and allow us happiness.
Wishing you happiness,
Linda

In all due respect to Reply #2, I don't believe we are shutting ourselves out of loving again. I'm not anyway. It is a life choice. I choose to live my life on my own, because it is not a necessity to acquire another companion or life partner. We did not ask to be widowed. It was handed to us. I didn't desire another partner when my husband was alive. Just because he unfortunately passed on doesn't mean I want to have a relationship, remarry, or love another as much as I loved my husband.

Again, it is a personal choice. I can fully understand insecure's post. My parents have been gone over 8 years, and it often seems like it was just yesterday. And it does brings tears and sadness, for I truly miss them.

I didn't like the part "till death do we part" in our vows, but my fault was I didn't ask that it be removed. They are just words anyway. It is really what you feel in your heart. To me, my marriage didn't end when he died. I am still Mrs. X and demand the respect of same.

Blessings, Debbie

I don't think it gets easier, I think we just adapt or get used to it. There is nothing that can change this. Our heart has been ripped out. I really thought that I would not leave the hospital if my husband passed away. I thought that I was going to die. Then when he passed, I feel apart and eventually left the hospital. I went home. I was lost. I thought at any moment I am going die. I am in the 11th month since he passed and I still keep waking up every day. I still hurt, still miss him, still think how in the hell am I suppose to go on and how am I suppose to raise these boys by myself. I am all they got now. At times, which has lessened over the past year, I still feel at any point I am going to just loss it. Fall off the deep end. Go nuts over this. I take a deep breath and take it day by day. Does it get easier, I don't think so. I think we just know that there is nothing that can be done to change it so we deal with it. My husband was my soul mate. We spent 17 years together, had two boys, completed each other. He was my best friend. No, a little time and finding someone new is not going to change that. What will happen to me? I don't know. I just have to live and see. Good luck to you. Hugs. Shawn

I don't believe time heals the loss but it has eased the pain and it is no longer intense pain 24/7. I still have down moments and an occasional day. I try to find what joy I can in life which includes my family, grandchildren, travel, friends, and working around my house. I will always miss him and our life together and that will not change. I just have to try to do the best I can to try to find peace with the life I have now.

I pray for peace and comfort for us all. Take care, Sandra

I too have had people say you're only 53 you'll find love again. I'm not looking. I can't ever see myself with anyone but Gerry. I do have faith in God that he will take care of me and lead me to where I should be. I don't know what my future will bring so I just live for today. After a 28 yr marriage of abuse I never thought I would ever want to be married again. Then God brought Gerry to me. I wasn't looking then either. Just look to God for guidance and listen when he speaks to your heart. You can't go wrong. God bless you,

We can never go wrong with God. God listens to our hearts and tries to give us the tools to make our lives and paths easier. But, we also have free will and choice.

I don't think about dating or remarriage. And I ask God to just let me live the way I want to now, and give me serenity and peace.

Blessings, Debbie

Ok, Reply #2...here's the deal. I have Debbie's back on this one. There are some of us that don't want another man. I have told many people and I will say it one more time. I don't need one. I had the one I wanted. 'Till death do uspoart???? Don't remember saying that.. I do believe it was" through all our days on Earth and all the days beyond". My two and four year old do not need another Daddy. This is more than a choice for me. Kaaren

at 8.5 months I am seeing it not getting better. I dont believe it ever will. I am 49 and feel Ihave no future without Barry, I miss him so much thepain doesnt go away

I agree completely with Debbie and even if I do find love again in the years to come it will only be half hearted because I gave my full heart to my husband and that is where it will stay.

I am at 2 years and 8 months now, for me the intense 24/7 pain that the others have mentioned has definately eased. I still think of him everyday, and I still miss him and long for him, but I am pushing myself to live the best life that I can now without him, honoring him and the love we shared, feeling blessed for having our 2 children everyday and holding on tight to every memory of him. I still have my rough days, but I know that I have to pick myself up and keep going. I went through the therapy the first year and do feel that it helped me. I hope that you will find the same, I wish you peace and strength. Hugs.

I agree that you never get over such a loss, you just get used to it. It's like a deap wound that heals, but leaves a terrible scar behind as a constant reminder or what was and will never be again.

All any of us can do, is put one foot in front of the other and try to get through each day as best we can. For me, some are good, some are bad. I try hard to be positive and move forward because I know my husband would expect me to be strong.

As for finding love again, everyone is different and should follow their heart whereever it leads you. Either to someone new or to a life lived alone, but fully. This isn't a black or white issue. It's one of many shades of grey.

I cannot imagine another man even sitting on my sofa, let alone holding hands, kissing, and more. There was only one man that I trusted, loved, and would die for. I agree with Debbie and Kaaren. I had the love of my life and my marriage did NOT end at death. I am still married, but my husband is not here anymore. He went to heaven and is waiting there for me. I have learned that there can be great joy and, yes, even lots of fulfilling love with my children, grands, girlfriends, church friends, and older mentors. The hardest part is that I could go to Joe with ANYTHING and he and I went EVERYWHERE together, we shared joy everyday. I had my turn with my soulmate. Some never find theirs in a lifetime. My father always told me, growing up, "Never be with a man because you have to, only because you want to." I can take care of myself and I don't want a man. I had the best, so I can't settle for anything less.