Been there. My first husband did go off with someone else. Still, I got over it. No getting over it this time. I'm still as heartbroken as I was the day my Scott passed away. The divorce hurt badly, but nowhere near as much. Just my personal opinion.

I've been divorced. The person is still there and if you have children together, still in your life to some extent. Oftentime, then, still reminding you of why you got divorced in the first place.

It wasn't my decision or my choice and did hit me like a bolt out of the blue. But it was nothing like losing my husband to death, not even of the same order of magnitude.

I was divorced from my first husband. I (at one time when I was too young to know the difference) thought he was the love of my life. I felt like I would die and wanted to for a week. I was rejected and he never treated me right, so I walked away feeling like I was the scum on the dirt under the dogs paw. My self esteem was in the gutter and I thought that I was damaged and no one would ever want me.

Then I met the "real" love of my life, we were friends first and it became more and more until we were married and joined our two families together. He treated me like absolute GOLD! He told me he loved me all the time. He held my hand and held my heart like I was the most precious woman in the world. I not only loved him with all my heart, I cherished the ground he walked on and anyone or anything that he touched became important to me.

We were SO SO happy and we only argued 6 times from the day we met. We just fit together and it never seemed like work when we were together. I can't even describe what we had, but we talked about how what we had very few people ever experience in a lifetime. We never tried to change each other and we were perfectly us to each other.

My divorce from my first husband and the death of my husband were so totally different. My first husband left me empty and with no self esteem. My husband Denny left me feeling whole and the love that we share is in my heart and no one can ever take that away from me. I would gladly go back and give my Denny up to a divorce so HE could live. It is so tragic that he had to die so young!! Not to mention it being so unfair to me and our children, it is so so unfair to him.

He was the nicest, kindest man I have ever met or will ever meet in my lifetime. He gave his life to me and I still feel like gold. I miss him so so much!!!

The only thing that I am glad about having lived through my divorce is that I now know that I can survive the unsurvivable. The key to surviving is within me. It was my strength that drew Denny to me in the first place and it will be that same strength and our love that I will carry forever in my heart that will pull me through now.

I was one of those that told my first husband that I didn't love him anymore and it had been for many years...he was just one of those men that did not participate in the marriage ...he wasn't a good father and a worse husband...he was devastated...but he remarried a year later...I found someone and was engaged to be married and he kept leaving and coming back so I told him to go. I was devastated ...but nothing and I mean nothing compares to what I am going through now...I have heard others compare divorce to a death of a spouse and I just can't compare the two regardless which side you are on.

I have to admit that death is worse than a divorce. I have been divorced myself too. At least when you divorce a person, they are still alive, you are given the option to choose whether or not to sign those papers, whereas in death, you aren't given an option, it happens. I remeber when I left my first husband, I told my mother that it would have been easier if he just died, and she told me no it wouldn't be. And was she ever right. I wasn't given the option for John to stay or go, and I still loved him with all my heart the day I found him. My divorce was bad, but this is devastating!

You were truly blessed, Missmyhero. Thanks for sharing.

My question is does a cut your hand hurt more then your leg/? They are both different but there is pain in both. My first husband drank and ran off with other women I had real pain.My 2second husband died of cancer this is a very different pain but still pain. I dont wish any pain on any one. the life in both situation are very different but the pain is real.
Malia

My first husband was not a good man. He is still alive. There is such difference between divorce and death, completely different emotions and grief. Death carries a finalty factor which doesn't exist in divorce. I had a love for someone and we broke up, I broke up with him..you know the butterfly freed and if it comes back. I carried the sorrow of losing that love for a long time but it wasn't crippling devistation as has been the death of my husband.
Really, this friends son is probably fortunate that is is happening now rather than years down the road. He will see this in time..of course..time is the healer fo so many things...

I too went through a divorce from my high school sweetheart. We were even voted "Class Sweethearts" and had a beautiful relationship. He was our school athlete and did not drink in high school but that sure changed when he joined the Navy. We later had a child and I no longer knew the man I married. It was very hard leaving someone you loved but had a drinking problem. I filed for divorce and we went back together several times. Neither of us wanted to be apart but I could not tolrate the drinking. Thank God he was a happy drunk! Looking back, I thought my heart was broken but now I know differently. I now know what it is like to have a broken heart - pain in my chest that would not quit, sobbing to the point where I could not stop or get my breath. It literally felt like someone put a weight on me & I was being crushed. I have never felt such intense feelings through my divorce or any one else's death. I truly loved my first husband & was devastated & had no idea how I would ever raise my daughter without her father. I know in my case, I cannot even compare the pain of the two- divorce was nothing , compared to what I am going through now. Through the years I would see Jerry (my ex) and we were always very civilized. I wouldl give anything in this world to see Ronnie again. I miss him terribly. Jerry is still alive, up walking around, drinking, etc. Ronnie is gone forever - until we meet in the after life. That is very hard to live with. He did not want to die but he/we had no choice in the matter. Either situation definitely brings pain but I feels the intensity is different. Again, I guess unless you have been widowed it is hard to understand the difference in the loss.

My first marriage lasted for 15 years. 10 of which were sorrowful as I tried to make it something it could never be with a man who didn't like me but said he loved me. I tried so hard for the kids sake and by the time the youngest was older I knew that with the kids growing I couldn't stay. The kids kept me emotionally satisfied but they were growing up. I walked out of the house with the kids and dogs and slammed the door behind me. No regrets.

I was married to Rob for 15 years, together 19. So both marriages where for 15 years. I have no sadness at losing 15 years with my ex. My heart is broken losing Rob, he liked me, we were friends, he loved me, I loved him and we were just perfect partners. We rarely fought and that was when we used to drink and we didn't like to argue so we quick drinking and really didn't argue after that and that was 6 years ago.

No - one 15 year marriage ending in divorce didn't devastate me.
15 years of a good marriage and cancer taking Rob, now that is devastating to me.
Donna

I've gone through an unwanted divorce. Take the absolute worst feelings that come with that...rejection, heartbreak, and, in my case, manipulations,(my ex had a new relationship right away but dangled hope of reconciliation in front of me for several months), take EVERYTHIG anyone can think of about unwanted divorce and......toss it out the window because it PALES in comparison to this nightmare.

I would endure a million unwanted divorces before choosing this grief ever again. Thats how poor of a comparison it is.
Theres NO comparison.

A couple more things. First its amazing to me how many of us have had to put up with comments like the one from your coworker, in one form or another. All of this has left me with a bad taste in my mouth for pople in general and people I know inparticular.
Second, rejection is etirely based on ego. Ive gone through that rejection. Death is based on a law of the universe that is bigger than ego altogether. It is CRUSHING and changes the survivor inside out.
Theres no comparison at all...on one hand you deal with human feelings, thats when i do believe time heals...on the other you run smack into the giant will of God. With death I dont believe time heals. we just become numb to time.

Annnnd another thing, (hopefully with less typos), with unwanted and painful divorce you may wonder "will anyone ever love me again?".despite all the evidence around you, and usually in each persons own history that yes you will love again.
When your spouse dies you instead have to struggle with "How can I ever love anyone again?" The big difference is that the widower/widow has such deeply personal soul searching to do before they can even dare try again. If ever.
There just isnt a valid comparison.

I have also been through both divorce and death and agree that there is no comparison in terms of pain and devastation. A divorce causes terrible pain undoubtedly on both sides regardless of who initiates it, certainly it did for me. There might be shock involved if one party doesn't recognise what is happening to the relationship which perhaps is a bit like losing your loved one unexpectedly or it might be a long drawn out death of a marriage. Either way, the marriage broke down and there are bound to be many resentments, bad times and hurt to deal with. I think divorce leaves both parties feeling less good about themselves as a person regardless of what went on but the other person is there still alive in your world giving you time and opportunity for closure and moving on. When you lose your soulmate, all the pain and bad feelings are because of what happened, not because of your loved one, what he was or did or the life you shared together. The last thing you ever wanted was closure but now it's been forced upon you in every aspect of your life completely beyond your control. There's no looking for the silver lining in this cloud, there isn't one. You loved each other and wanted to be together forever and it's been taken away by death not a breakdown of the relationship. The love you shared is still there in your heart and sustains you. Knowing you loved and were loved in such a way strenghens you to cope with your life and that is a blessing compared to the negative feelings about yourself roused by divorce. It does however make you more keenly aware of what you have lost and the agony of that is crippling. If you've had the best, the perfect match for you, it's very hard to hope that life can ever be that good again. Just my opinion based on my personal experience.

I'm sorry for all the comments. I think this hits a nerve with me because of a conversation I had with my sister regarding our estranged mother. I made a remark and she went off me, saying how dare I compare the incident we were discussing to another painful incident. I couldnt find the words at the time to explain that i "dared" through the spectrum of grief. Was the incident, under normal circumstances, worse than the other incident my sister feels such pain over? Not under normal circumstances no, but in grief I can not imagine a time when a child needs their mother the most so my response was through that grief, (my mother hung up on me when I called her to tell her my wife had passed).
So, reading this topic has got me worked up because i do not believe their is any worse expierience than grief over a spouse. It magnifies everything painful and ims every pleasure. And no one really sees the end in sight. we can only hope our own grief turns out as well as those longer down the road than we are.
the amount of second guessing and self incriminations we go through has no resolution. Theres no one to apologize to. No hope for a reconciliation in our life time. No easy way to "move on", or even smile again without a hint of sadness. The deepest soul searching I will ever do is right now,and i do not forsee ever being at peace again.
With my divorce, though i ached and felt the rejection an the hurt from being emotionally manipulated, i was able to enthusiastically love again. Thank God for that. Now, not only do i not want to love again, I pray i never do.