Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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The Holidays.

PamDenn
PamDenn
It has been six months since my husband passed away. The holidays began weighing on my heart several weeks ago but this weekend it hit hard. On Friday night I went to Costco to pick up some office supplies and they are decked out with Christmas decorations. I have always been a big fan of Christmas. I love Christmas music, Christmas decorations (17 boxes for my house) and baking, cooking etc. This year my heart breaks with even the thought of Christmas. For the past 32 years I have celebrated Christmas with Carl. We started dating at 16 and married at 17. I cant imagine how I am going to make it through the next several months. I stayed in my house all weekend long after the Friday night event because I could not handle going into another store. Every commercial shows how happy everyone is during the holidays. Last year I was that person. Still trying to figure out how in the world I got here. Overwhelmed is an understatement. The love of my life is gone and I am expected to carry on.

Just wondering how others made it through this time.
honey94
honey94
I am glad you posted this and So sorry for your loss. It will be six months for me this months. I am trying to make a big deal outta Christmas this year as it is our 1st without him. But it is even harder because he was born on Christmas and our daughter 5 days later....So I will be looking for some help to get through this as well. HUGS
deleted_user
deleted_user
There's no magic, no secret, no place we can all go and hide in. It's one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

The holidays will come whether we can handle them or not. The people will call and gather whether we want them to or not. Sometimes I'd rather just stay in bed, not move, not dress not bathe, not do anything but life will go on and the family and friends will continue on without us. I want to be part of a "whole", part of a life, part of the living. It's just so darn hard sometimes!

I used to be part of a "pair", we were a "pair", we were a "set", like salt shakers and wine glasses and candle sticks......we were a "set", now were nothing! It's so hard!

We're individuals moving forward in this life. We have a shared experience of sadness......

Roz
soalone2to1
soalone2to1
Roz said it so well. We were part of a pair and now we are nothing because we have lost our identity and don't know how to find a new one alone. The holidays are very commercial and not all families are story book perfect like on TV. I would bet the majority of them aren't. Mine sure wasn't, but over the years we endured the going all over town to various people houses all day and into the night until the kids grew up and people started dying. Then is became just us. Now its just me so there you have it. Bah Humbug! You can keep the holidays. I will look for a way to help others have a nice holiday whether it's taking dinner to shut ins or making gift baskets for needy families. That will give me pleasure that I will not find in over commercialized stores that open way too early on the day after Thanksgiving to try to get a much of our money as they can before Christmas.
coffeeforme
coffeeforme
Ah yes, the holidays - there are so many levels of joy, grief, and just plain sadness this year. My husband passed away unexpectedly on May 30. I become so sad when I look at things that just a year ago still made me so happy, just ordinary things like holiday food displays in the grocery. I want to turn the clock back. I want to reason with someone that I didn't know that last year would be the last Christmas with my husband and I want to relive it so I can ingrain every moment in my memory. I want to go back and take every little nothing moment and cherish it all the more. If we had arguments during what I used to consider the "high stress time" - oh, how I wish I could go back and laugh them off with him. But that's not my reality now and as sad as I am I hope I can move forward through the holidays for my sake and for my family's. Won't be easy, so thank you in advance to everyone on DS for listening! Karen
Rainbow27
Rainbow27
The dreaded holidays. This will be my first without him. Seems like everyone happy, making plans, talking about what they are going to do or where they plan to go. My world has been shattered and so hard to put a smile on my face and act like my world is okay after 8 months. I know that the only way to keep moving forward is to live in the moment and not dwell on the past. Thank you all for posting and sharing.
It all helps to know we are all over the place in our emotions.
letmehelpyou
letmehelpyou
Pam, I too was a huge Christmas fan. Decorate the house, put up the tree, bake the cookies, have a party kind of girl. That first year, wow... I just sort of made it through. I didn't feel like doing any of it. So I didn't. I got through the season and that was fine. No joy and a lot of crying. I did go out to dinner with some friends. Don't pressure yourself to celebrate. If you feel like it; go ahead. If not, that just fine too. I am now four years in and am looking forward to the holidays. I have ditched some of the old traditions (too painful), added some new ones (change can be good) and kept some (memories become bearable again). It does get better but it takes time. Be kind to yourself please.
PamDenn
PamDenn
Thank you all for sharing. It really helps talking to people who understand.
Community LeaderShrn
Shrn
Many of you are experiencing your first major holiday of Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's truly overwhelming. I felt like getting through the celebration was beyond what I could endure. I was at 6 months when Christmas came and I went to my daughter's for Thanksgiving and my brother's home for Christmas. Don't remember adding much to the day but wore a fake smile at the children who were caught up in the excitement. I know I left early, because I had to. We get through the day. That's all we can do. Sharon
deleted_user
deleted_user
So sorry for your loss. I can certainly relate to being overwhelmed. Just the thought of having holiday celebrations without my love is more than I can stand.

I am 39 days out and obviously facing my first holidays alone. We were only married for 15 years, but he was the love of my life, my rock, my best friend, he was my everything!! I frankly don't see how I can get through the next six weeks of "holidays" and family gatherings and traditions. My heart is shattered and torn and all I want to do is curl up and cry my eyes out, but even that doesn't help.

In addition, my father died on Christmas Eve in 1963 (I was 16) and my mother died the day after Christmas in 1997, so for a long time, the holidays have been a trying event for me. Now I have even more reasons to wish I could skip over them. Bah-humbug is right!!
Eastangliangirl
Eastangliangirl
I'm going away for Christmas this year, out of the routine. I think Im going to bypass cards and gifts and try and avoid the stores. I kind of feel like the grinch, and like in the story, Christmas still comes no matter what. But, I don't think it hurts us to stop for this moment and just hug ourselves, light a candle, pray, or whatever we do to feel hopeful, and bow out of the commercial ritualism for this year at least, until we can handle the grief a bit better. I'm able to do this, I know that for those with small children it would be so much worse and I suppose what I'm saying is that if we can withdraw from the holidays without hurting those around us, I think that is ok. Shut the door, make some cocoa, light the fire, and watch some good movies. It's just all too much.
mbrockm
mbrockm
Coming up on 9 months for me. I have a good relationship with her parents. They have invited me to come over. Not sure if I will be able to (emotionally). I find myself frustrated what did not happen last year. Between her illness and my work we did not celebrate the holidays as well last year. At the time I did know it would be our last holiday season together.
I hope all of us here, find our way thru these holidays. Here is hoping we all find peace and maybe some joy. Blessings to all of you.
Mark
MrsLfromTX
MrsLfromTX
yes the holidays are close and i am feeling unsure myself. I lost my husband less than a month ago and am being asked to go to thanksgiving with my sister and brother which is fine, but many people will be there,, maybe 30 people. I don't know i i'm ready for it. I know everyone will be bringing up my husband, "sorry to hear about your husband" etc and i don't know if i can deal with it. But i feel like i should be there.
It's tough. Christmas is a different story. I will be at home alone for Christmas. I don't think i'll do the tree unless something spurs me to put it up. Right now celebrating i don't feel like doing.
And i have my brothers and sister but no kids. So the ones who do keep my going are my family (less mom and dad-they're gone too) and my hubby's mom and sisters.
I am thankful for all of them.
onward1
onward1
I'm relieved to read the posts here and know I won't be alone in wanting to skip the holidays. I can't of course, my kids(even though they're 21 & 13)need some normalcy. But it's going to be more subdued, less about the piles of gifts( money is different now) and hopefully more about the real reason we celebrate. It's going to be hard but we'll get through it.
royalbubble
royalbubble
I feel the same way I love Christmas and so did my husband. Even when my mum passed away 3 years ago I decorated the house and threw a big Christmas cause I knew that's what she would have wanted but come Christmas it will be 7 months since he left and I just can't bring myself to be excited about it. I don't want to decorate or do Christmas stuff I use to.. I hoping eventually it will become less painful and we can start to enjoy Christmas and the reason to be happy on that day. Big hugs to everyone as we all go threw our struggles these holidays. We will get threw it!
Myne2
Myne2
There are no set rules. Do whatever works for you and don't let anyone, however well-meaning they may be, pressure you into something you feel that you cannot handle. The holidays last year were the first since my husband passed away. I managed to get through them. This year I find myself not even thinking about the holidays; just can't seem to muster up any interest.