Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Truhal 03/02/2011

It's been nearly a year and I've had plenty of time to examine every part of this journey. I was thinking about something today. So many of us are alone and hating it, but for me it wasn't enough to just hate it, I needed to know why. Of course the first thing that came to my mind is that I miss my husband. That's true, but it goes deeper.

Being without my husband also means for the first time I'm without a safety net. It's a strange feeling.

Let me explain. Like a lot of women here I left my parent's house for my husband's house. When I lived with my parents I felt safe. For example, if I didn't come home by a certain time, they would know something is wrong and come looking. If I went out in the backyard and fell and couldn't get up, I could holler and they would come running. If I lost my job they would make sure I ate and had a place to live.

Then I got married, and the same thing applied. If I went to work and didn't come home, my husband would come looking for me. He would make sure I was safe.

But now, at the age of 54, a new reality presents itself. If I fell down now, nobody would know. No one would come looking for a long time. It's a first for me and it doesn't feel good.

I think a lot of us are in that postion. You live with your parents. Then you live with your husband and kids. Then the kids grow up and go off on their own and your husband dies, and you're on your own. Sure the kids will call, but not as fast as your parents or husband. You can't rely on them.

So here we are, getting used to being without the love of our lives, but we're also adjusting to flying without a net. It's not fun.

Truhal 03/02/2011

Sorry guys, my computer had a glitch and put the same post out there 4 times. Worse part about it is that it didn't show up for at least 5 minutes, so I posted again with a different title(though I added something).

missingt 03/02/2011

I feel the same,it makes me sad that later in my life I feel so alone.I miss my husband very much- it has been just 1 month since he died.
I have many loving friends but my home is so empty when I come back from work.I am very grateful that I have my dog waiting for me.MY son and his wife live in another state and we talk almost every day but it does not help with the lonely feeling.I am so glad that we have each other here.Love and peace.Ann

deleted_user 03/02/2011

Boy did you hit the nail on the head. For the first time in my life at the same age as you - I'm alone. My son moved in with me after my DH died and moved out at the end of December. It set off a complete new and different roller coaster ride. I hate it but I'm adjusting to it.

My husband knew what time I should be home for work, and if I wasn't here shortly after that time, he'd get worried. He hated it when I had to be on snowy roads. If I got sick, he was here. If I had car troubles, I knew he would come to get me. Like you said, our kids will eventually call but no one calls to make sure I'm safe inside each night, home after I go some where. It's that fact that is tough to come to terms with. We are alone.
Hugs,
Kathy

deleted_user 03/02/2011

Thinking of the future sets off an anxiety button. I try not to think. I'd love to have a roommate, but who could I get that can move into a fully furnished house without being a total loser. Besides, I'd be afraid to leave my dog alone with a roommate at first. I HATE this aloneness. Absolutely HATE it. Perhaps we should start calling one another each day......

NewRoadsForMe 03/02/2011

I must share an encouraging story with you on this matter. At only about 2 or 3 wks, I needed to drive to a nearby town about an hour and a half away, half of it on a 2-lane state hwy not traveled much and out in the boonies. I was terrified of having a flat tire and only God would know what kind of person might come along and hurt me. Well, the trip went well and I had not flat tire. The very next day I had to take my 2 grandkids to the dentist's office in the middle of town. When we came out after they were done, we had a flat tire, sitting there in the parking lot. Lots of people there. I called AAA and they came, fixed it,and we were on our way again with no harm done to us. I cannot think of any other reason for what happened as it did except that that was God's way of saying, "Even though Joe is gone, I still have your back." I'll never forget this experience. To borrow a phrase from Dr.Charles Stanley of 1st Baptist in Atlanta, "Trust God, and leave all the consequences to him." I certainly believe that.
Kathleen

deauxgirl 03/02/2011

Truhal,
You hit the nail on the head. The first thing I did after my husband's death, was to have a security system installed on the house. We didn't lock our doors half the time, now I come home and dead bolt the door. I only use the alarm, at night, it helps me feel safe. I miss having someone in the house. I let the dog in, in the evening, but he's a outside dog. I don't think I'll ever get used to this.
Paula

MissinLilBear 03/02/2011

Its not just the women that feel this way. I lived with my parents till I married Diana and we moved in together in a little college apartment. I always had someone to worry about me (even though at times I resented it :-). I had someone to take care of me when I was sick and I also had a safety net. I recall one time I was losing my mind at work (I was working for a man with clinical multiple personalities). She put her arms around me after a particularly rough day and looked me in the eye and said quit, do it tomorrow, we will figure out a way to get by till you find work again. Knowing I had that kind of support made the craziness bearable and in the end I was able to transfer out to a new department.

Now its just me. I have lights on timers so that I dont come home to a dark house, Im sitting eating leftovers at my computer. Yeah this whole journey sucks

-Pete-

deleted_user 03/02/2011

I feel the same. This is the first time I have lived alone and it is not as bad as early on but still hard at times. My son and his family are here very often and they are wonderful. But... when they leave and go home here I am, alone. When I've been sick I've taken a few steps backward. We always took care of each other. At 3 yrs., I now try very hard not to think about the future unless I have to. I do live day to day as much as I can and try to accomplish something everyday that makes me feel good. It is so good to talk about these things with people who understand. We are stronger than we think. Take care, Sandra

Joely 03/02/2011

Tru,

"Ain't it the truth?" I left living with my parents to being married to Joe and living with him. Our children are all adults, married and have busy lives. I talk to them, but, not everyday. (we did the first year to maybe 15 - 18 months).

When Joe was at work ~~ driving a truck~~ he called me 2 or 3 times a day, and especially at night ~~ to make sure I was ok and at home. No one does that now. If I fell ~~ I don't know how long I'd be here w/o anyone missing me!! That is a hard thing to think about.

Today, I finally went to the Dr. ~~ haven't felt good in a couple of weeks ~~ sore throat and cough. It would get better and then come back. I felt really bad today, and the cough was coming from deep in my chest. Well, I have pneumonia....yay! Isn't it grand?? I feel so tired and just not well.

Of course, my dtr (who lives next door)told me to let her know if she needed to do anything.....not really. There is nothing she can do. I am supposed to rest and I rest better w/o anyone here. Just knowing Joe won't be calling or coming home to ck on me is unsettling, to say the least.

I wrote about this day in my journal already. Sometimes being alone is fine; and sometimes it plain....SUCKS!

Flying w/o a net is definitely NOT fun.

Hugs, Joely

deleted_user 03/03/2011

So true ...Tru....exactly how my life began and has ended...my husband did everything...a man who could do anything....married to woman who could not do much of anything...and it is not fun at all without my precious husband...how I miss him...

IClaimTheCross 03/03/2011

I've sat here many times fearing the worst, knowing that in an emergency where I could not call for help, I would only be found when the rent is seriously overdue. It can be overwhelming. One instrument I haven't seen talked about in here is the Veterans Administration. They have phenominal resources to help and wives of military men are included if you do not have your own military benefits. You need only your or your husbands DD214 paperwork and Identification to apply.

cliffskat 03/03/2011

I was on my own when I met Cliff, and I was the primary breadwinner throughout the majority of our marriage, so my experience was different in some ways, but I think going through this loss takes away whatever feeling of confidence or security one has about life, It's like a kind of loss of innocence - we now know what can happen, and once you do know, it changes your view of everything. We're no longer blissfully unaware.

Love and Hugs, Martha

deleted_user 03/03/2011

OMG - I thought they booted you Tru!!! I read messages early in the morning, and I saw that you were ''blocked'' I thought what would this woman say that would be blocked????,ha ha ha. A very thought provoking post - worth reading 4 times!. Pete - I said the same thing to my husband about a week before he had a major stroke - "QUIT'' - we'll be ok. In the beginning, I was so scared of everything, but now I'm not. I don't know what changed, except I figure the worst thing that could ever happen to me has - the death of my husband. DS has helped me so much because I thought my feelings were crazy and unique. I have to keep my mind on one day at a time - often I keep myself in la la land (not artificially), but I have had the honor of a friend who keeps drilling it into me, that I have to have a positive attitude - he works on me every day!!!. Sickness, being alone, houses falling down, - hey - I even worry about the world - the whole 'stinkin world - pollution - running out of water....you get it. Someone asked me what my five year plan was the other day - it made me snap - but then when I thought it over, I'm going to get one - and head in the direction of my dreams - why not???? I can't wait for things to happen, I have to be proactive - it's my nature to be. Peace to all of you. thank you all for expressing your fears, your doubts, and your dreams. What a fine bunch of ''Widees'' we are. Vicki

Mrs340 03/03/2011

I married my dear hubby later in life (33) so was on my own for years. Now being on my own is the same in ways, but sucks in SO many more ways!! I keep an "in case of emergency" contact card in my wallet at all times and let me tell you, that was one of the hardest things I've done....changing it to take Steve's name off and adding my brother's name! Just one more not-so-gentle reminder that he is gone! Thank goodness for AAA and brothers who would go to the end of the earth for me!!
Hugs -- Ruth

deleted_user 03/03/2011

This is the story of my life, I left a very safe home and parents and married young. We lived together and had children for 27 years. He was my backbone and took care of everything, now the kids are grown with lives of their own and he is gone. I come home to an empty house now and have been trying to keep busy. What I miss the most is not having someone to come home to and tell how my day went. The set of ears that shared my life with day to day. I too worry about the things that can go wrong. The other night I woke up in the middle of night I heard noises and was afraid it was a frozen pipe. I never use to worry before because he always fixed things like that. Fortunately it wasnt, so I got up in the morning and wrapped it up with plenty of blankets. I will probably go to the home depot this weekend and buy a heat strip and try to put it on myself. Its only been a month for me and now Im facing the reality that I have to deal with these issues alone.

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