I  know the first year is always the hardest. The first of everything. Here comes the roller coaster of my life. My husband and I always used to joke about our busiest time was October - Feb. It is filled with my birthday, our anniversary, christmas, his birhtday and valentines day. Every month from here out holds a special day. It all starts tomorrow which is my birthday. I am sad he is not here to give me a goofy card and a useless gift like some many he has given me over the years. The crockpot since I hate to cook, the keychain for the new car he bought me or the wool nightgown that was two sizes too big and way to warm considering we lived in California. But evey year I waited in anticipation for whatever he got me, I knew he picked it out with love if not with common sense.

I went out to dinner with my sister last night, just a quick bite at a casual resturant we stumbled upon. It didn't look like much from the outside but once we got in and sat down, I realized it had a beautiful view of the water. When the sun went down I thought I was going to cry. This is all he ever wanted, to live somewhere that was coastal where he could walk and see the beach. We would drive over an hour and a half in our old town to do this and here I was less then 8 minutes from my house. I wish he could share in this new part of my life but I guess if he were still alive well I wouldn't be here. I am not a sentimental person or an overly emotional one but what I would give to give him a hug or hear him laugh. Days like today make it hard to move forward, it is too easy to get stuck in the world of memories and what if's.  I am going to spend my birthday with my boys, do something as family and hope that he is there with me in spirit. Maybe he will give me a sign.