I am sitting here a total mess. Tomorrow makes 6 months since my husband passed. Two more days and I will be on a plane to my new home. The time has finally come and I am at a lost for words. My heart hurts for my kids, they are leaving their older brother and one of their dogs and of course their friends and the only life they have known for 16 years. I have trouble sleeping and haven't really eaten in days. I can't believe in a few days I will awakening in a new house, where my husband didn't have a say in any of it. I have had to leave so many memories and pictures behind, I had to take the bare minimum with me. 

I had a last lunch with a co worker of mine yesterday. We spent an hour crying in the car. Our lives had mirrored each other so much. We were married on the same day, same year. Our kids are the same age, I have boys she has girls we both have a set of twins. We would always laugh how we mirror images of each other. She is battling breast cancer and I guess this was my cross to bear. She was the one person who didn't tell how strong I was but rather she was proud of me. That just blew me away, and I cried so hard. I don't know how I can start my life without him. I can't even make a decision on what color to paint the walls, we had very differnt taste and everything was a compromise. 

Moving on is not easy, I think sometimes staying still would be easier. I question everything I do and wonder if it will pay off. Everytime I start feeling good, I have a bad day and I feel I have taken 3 steps back. Writing down my thoughts helps. I have overcome so many obstacales to get where I am today. Now I am in the home stretch and in a panic something will go wrong. I am starting to forget what he looks like a bit and that scares me. I think of my grandmother often, she lost a husband who left here with 8 kids to raise. She didn't speak english nor could she read or write. She would then lose a child. How did she overcome the grief? She passed away at 97 four weeks before my husband. I never once saw her cry. She was a great woman who saw the good in everyone and who always was laughing. Maybe she was hurting inside, now I wonder. I pray everynight for her strength and guidance. I like to think they are together watching over me.