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Thanksgiving ordeal

MissinLilBear
MissinLilBear
I debated posting about this as I dont want to seem whiney but sometimes I just need to talk it out and you are the only friends that would understand.

Thanksgiving weekend was the hardest time I have had in the last 6 months, I thought I was coping fairly well and thought I would be OK for this obstacle too. This four day weekend was literally Dianas favorite time of year. She loved making the turkey dinner and decorating the house. If we went to one of her brothers for Thursday we would do our own some other day during the weekend. She was always very affectionate starting Thursday morning and would tell me we have a lot to do this weekend and I want to make sure you have a smile on your face for the next four days!. By the end of the weekend we were stuffed and the house looked amazing.

The boys and I went to her brothers for T-day and had a nice quiet dinner. I gave away the 12 foot artificial tree to our SIL as I didnt have the heart to set it up and decorate it, just planned on setting up the 9 footer. Friday I came down with a cold and just laid around feeling miserable through Saturday. Sunday I got all the decorations down out of storage and started. Every ornament I hung on the tree had a little piece of sadness attached to it as I remembered doing it with her last year, the sadness seemed cumulative. The last box I took out the four Christmas stocking to hang on the mantle and I held hers and just collapsed on the floor. My son, home on leave from the Corp, just sat down on the floor with me and put his arm around me. We sat there for maybe half an hour.

I did a fair job of decorating the house but there is no joy in the scene. There are no holiday plans, no challenging gift request and no anticipation of a wondrous Christmas. I was relieved when the weekend was over and I could go back to work.

Thanks all, putting this down in print was very helpful.

-Pete-
deleted_user
deleted_user
Oh Peter, Your post just brought tears rolling down my cheeks. It is touching to hear a man share his emotional response in this way. Holidays are something that a loving women make so very special for everyone, not that men don't but woman tend to set the tone. It will be a difficult time for all of us and I am so sorry. So glad your son was there for you and also that your son has such a good example: a man who cried when he needs to. I give you so much credit for trying. I can't do it this year. I will do something totally different. I was blessed to have Rob the last 2 Christmases but both were overshadowed by brain surgery in 2008 and hospice in 2009. I just can't find it in myself. My son and I will spend Christmas Eve at a casino, they stay open and busy. Who knew I would ever even consider it, desperate times call for desperate measures. Our home was always beautiful on the holidays, filled with love and cookies. Who knows what the future holds but can't deal this year. Thanks for posting and my heart goes out to you. Hug, Donna
deleted_user
deleted_user
My husband and I decorated stockings for each other when the last child moved out and that first Christmas I opened the box they were in and had a total meltdown no one was there just me and my memories. I thought for sure I would die from the pain in m heart! 3 years and 9 months later and here I am crying because today we would have been married 42 years and it still hurts. But it does get better with time like they say I have been having a much better year this year even enjoying my life a bit more..just not today! I am sorry for your pain. Hugs!!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Pete
i give you tremendous credit. the fact that you got through the decorating gives you super hero status as far as i am concerned!! i have yet to get up the inner strength to even start this project. i am so happy that your son was with you through this heartbreaking task.
i hope for all of us that the miracle of Christmas this year will be peace in our hearts
hugs
judi
doyew
doyew
My heart aches for you as you face this first holiday season w/o your love. I am glad your son was there when you needed him so. There are really no words to make this better right now. It's good you were with family for T'giving, and I think you are courageous to have Christmas decorations of any kind. This is my 3rd Christmas w/o my husband, and I feel much better emotionally than I once did. I still have young grandchildren, so will have a small tree and a few other things. Some people find it helps to go on a trip at Christmas, or just do something different. I know it will be hard to "enjoy" anything on this first holiday without her. Feel free to post your feelings, problems, heartaches here any time. We can't "fix" them, but we do Understand!
Blessings - Doye
deleted_user
deleted_user
I'm so sorry that this Thanksgiving was difficult and sad for you. For a lot of people, it is the "favorite" holiday and because you were lucky enough to have had a spouse who went to such lengths to make it even more special - well, your grief is intensified. Glad you had your son to comfort you as you fell apart. Give yourself credit for trying to keep tradition - you are honoring your wife by doing so.
Lininsocal
Lininsocal
Peter,
The holidays are tough, I am glad your son is with you and hope he will remain through till New Years. I applaud that you have decorated. I bought some new ornaments and they sit on the table still waiting for me to find the energy/mood to put them up...soon I hope with thoughts that it will inspire me somehow. This time will go by swiftly, it always does. I am always happe to see Jan 6, by then it is all over but the bills and this Christmas I hope to pay cash..
Have a nice week, stay warm...Linda
KipB
KipB
Pete, this is my second Christmas without my dear Marti. She was all about Christmas. The Friday after Thanksgiving, I set out to get the decorations up. I finished with the help of my sons, but I agree with you that the pure joy is gone. Also, Marti was such a perfectionist, she would make sure wires were hidden,etc. But since I'll probably have no visitors this yuletide, I diddn't pay attention to hiding wires. Maybe I'll get around to it, but the whole process is heartbreaking without her.
It is so hard this time of year. Hang in there, she's with you. Your friend, Kip.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Pete, This is the place to 'whine' or vent or whatever you need to do. As there is always somone who can relate in one way of another. So glad you had your son with you. It surely was what he needed as well. May your bond grow stronger as you grieve together. Perhaps you can start a new tradition together for the holiday season? After my Mom passed away we put a tree out on the deck with nothing but white lights on it. She always wanted white lights but we had multi lights. It helped to have something that was just her to remember her. I have a small tree with multi lights in my kitchen in rememberance of Mike as he liked multi lights and we would switch back and forth. I also found an angel form to hand in the corner with a bright red bow on it in rememberence of all the Angels watching over me. Just a thought...Hugs and Peace sent your way.. Diane
deleted_user
deleted_user
You're a lot gutsier than I am. I didn't decorate at all last year, other than a wreath on the front door. I'll hang the wreath again this year, but I just can't go through that box of Christmas stuff. No one else here anyway, just me and my pup.
Wmsbaby
Wmsbaby
My first holidays without my love as well. Your post made me want to cry. Of course these days everything makes me want to cry. My husband did the cooking on Tday and everyone came to our house. I told the family I didn't care what we did but it was going to be different. Just my mother and one sister and our daughter went out to eat and that was it. It was also so very painful I wasn't sure I'd survive the long holiday weekend but I did. Christmas....our 19 yr daughter wants to put the tree up .. I want to wake up and find it is March or something. I put out Christmas towels.. so far the only thing I thought I could handle. I'm scared of dragging out the tree and all the memories.
Parmela
Parmela
Peter: I could have put my name on your post and tought I had written it myself. Thanksgiving was always the weekend I decorated the house and got in the spirit. Stephen didn't help much, but he was always there.... under foot and making suggestions. But he always took pride in how nice the house looked. Thanksgiving was always a 4 day marathon of cleaning and decorating. This year.... there's a tree in the corner with about 25% of the decorations normally on it. The rest of the decorations remain in storage..... I just don't seem to care this year. Maybe I never will again. That makes me very sad.

This is such a hard time of the year. So much pressure to feel a certain way, act a certain way, carry on tradtions. But how do you carry on with the traditions of your marriage when your marriage has ended. How is it possible to look forward to a holiday when you know there won't be any presents under the tree from the person you loved. No quiet moments in front of the tree. No laughter and shared secrets. ....just a month of lonely days and nights.

Geez, I'll be so glad when the holidays are over.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Pete, I can relate to everything you said. The holidays are just so hard and it is so sad. This is my third year and I try so hard to focus on the grandchildren. Putting up the tree is hard but the grandchildren expect it and I now find myself enjoying it a little too. I still can't decorate other than that. I wish us all peace and comfort. Take care, Sandra
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi Pete -- your post brought back so many poignant memories to my mind. I vividly remember that first Thanksgiving without Ross. I tried my best to prepare the recipes I had always prepared -- for the sake of the kids -- but I was unable to make anything turn out well. I finally collapsed and laid on my bed sobbing. Fortunately, some family stopped by with a full turkey dinner and we did our best to celebrate for the sake of the kids.

I know all of us here at DS feel your pain. We know firsthand how difficult all of this is. Hang in there. It's impossible to really believe right now, but a day will come when you will feel peace and nostalgia as you remember all the happy times you spent with your beloved wife.

My thoughts and prayers are with you,
Tami
deleted_user
deleted_user
Pete,
What a moving reflection. How wonderful that your son was there for you. You are not whiney. It is just a very difficult time of the year for so many of us, going through this "happy holiday season" alone for the first time. You did well, making the attempt to decorate. I don't think I'm even up to that. I normally go all out with decorating the house from Halloween right through Easter.
I LOVED the holidays, from fall to spring. Not this year. I went up in the attic in late September to dig out my boots. I saw my boxes of holiday and Christmas decorations and ...that was it. I haven't been back up there since.
Give yourself creddit. You're doing well. As others said, and I'm counting on them for it to be true, next year will be easier.
Thanks to all who responded to Peter. In so many ways, you were talking to me, too.
Truhal
Truhal
I am so sorry. It's hard, but I'm glad your son was there for you. I believe we will get through this.