You're not alone.

This is the first time I've ever shared my experience with others, even my family members that were around during this time don't know exactly how bad it got. But those first few months were hell on earth. I could barely take care of myself let alone a 3 and 5 year old. I also found out I was pregnant only to miscarry a short time after. Once the haze of pain meds and muscle relaxants wore off, my in-laws had to take the girls for awhile. My memories from then aren't crystal clear because unfortunately that's when I relapsed, but I do recall one day where the pain was so intense it physically hurt, lying on the floor sobbing and screaming. I didn't say those exact words, but it was the same sentiment.

In my own case I feel ashamed, not that I cried out like that but that I relapsed so hard and completely fell apart. Add to that I couldn't see what I had to live for, and was so consumed by my own grief I couldn't be there for my girls who needed me.

You haven't let that happen, those feelings on their own are nothing to be ashamed of. I think they're part of everyone's grieving process in some capacity. I know it's not much of a consolation but please know it does get better. It might be slow, some days you might fall back, but over time those raw wound begin to heal.

Don't do what I did and not reach out to your friends and family, not seek professional help. Take care of yourself and be good to yourself. If you ever need to talk, you can always message me.

:hugs:

I am not speaking to God at the present time. But as far as thinking it'd be easier to be dead sure that thought pops in my head.

I think most of us have said/shouted/thought those words, I did last night, it’s a natural response to bouts of crushing grief or pain . That’s very different from thoughts of hurting oneself. You seem to have a good grip on the difference.

Bay, I'm sorry for your pain. It's not easy going through grief. Please know that it won't always be like this. Try to be patient. I hope tomorrow finds you feeling somewhat better. Hugs, Dolores

We’ve all felt this way, sometimes it is unbearable. It really sucks to feel this way! Living in limbo, can’t go back, can’t move forward, just stuck. That’s how I feel! I always wonder how long will I feel this way? More questions than answers. Hang in there, Hugs.

musicstrings, I used to wonder how long this would last also. It's different for everyone. I tried to keep extremely busy and I kept on the go. It seemed to get better after a year. Exercise helped . Hugs, Dolores

And RockyMountainMama I read absolutely nothing in your post that is shameful. You sound like a pretty awesome person/mama quite frankly.

I've just never been able to do that. There is something in me that's wants to continue on with life, no matter how bad I feel or pointless it may have seemed. I just won't let go of seeing life as an adventure. When I climb a mountain on a trail I've never been on, there is an anticipation of what I will see just around the corner, something new, exciting, something not yet discovered. Everything always works out, just seldom according to my plan. Grief is like a long mountainous climb, the closer we get to the top, we think our destination of healing is just above the ridge. And when we get to that top, we see we aren't there yet because another climb stands between us and the top, and another and another. But no matter how much we hurt, if we will just keep climbing, one step at a time, we will reach the top of that mountain and be able to see life in all its majesty and our new beginning is unveiled before our eyes. Okay, maybe I've got camping fever :) Scott

Bayoured,
i, also, have never wanted to hurt myself but i find that i don't care if i die and that is new. I think because life is so hard and lonely for many of us, I've become indifferent to death, if that makes sense. But i know you are definitely not alone feeling that way.

No you are not alone. I don't want to hurt myself but most days are meaningless and I wouldn't care if I died or not. I just told my son in law that the worst thing that could happen to me has already happened so who cares.

I think it's normal. I, at times had the same feeling. But i would not ever act out on the thought.its just the feeling of not caring any more. It's been 4 1/2 months now and I still feel like that sometimes but not as frequently. My husband committed suicide, I will never do that for my brother's sake.i would never want him to go through what I am going through as a victim of someone else act.

Well as I said these are not suicidal thoughts . They are thoughts of not caring if God would take me. They pass after the meltdown phase. It is just when I am in the middle of it the pain is so deep. I wanted to ask on this forum because it is a safe place to vent such things. I do hope I did not come across as being suicidal or offend anyone. That was certainly not my intent.

Although I have 3 amazing kids that need me here, I've had the same thoughts. Losing my husband is like no pain I've ever felt. I'm doing all the right things, but there are days I'd give anything to be with him.

Angela, I have my own version of this thought. For a long time I don't care if I am living or dead. I don't have any children, and the person who gave me the purpose to live is gone... I would never harm myself but I am not living a satisfying life. I have to find a new reason to motivate myself to keep going.

I'm feeling this right now as I type. I wished I don't have to feel this awfulness. I know I'm wallowing but I can't help it to feel this way.