I suppose the experts would call it acceptance. Not sure when or how it came to me. I think I just got more used to my new existence little by little until I had no more recent memories of my pre-death happiness bubble. My grief train seemed to take me all over the place, but I had absolutely no one but myself to look after. I think at some point we start seeing a few things we like about this new life, and work on getting rid of the things we don't like. It's been a lot of trial and error for me. But I had to come to the realization that Juanita was dead, and there was absolutely nothing I could ever do to bring her and our life together back again. And all of that just keeps getting smaller and smaller in my rear view mirror. I have wonderful memories, but now I do my best to just live my life in the moments at hand. That is the only place we can truly live, not in the past and not in the future. We only can live in the here and now. It is all a process that just happens on its own. Grief is something we have absolutely no control over. And it seems to me that when I stopped trying to control it or beat it or win over it, just gave up and let it do what it was going to do, well, that is when it started to lose its grip over me. Like they say, You've got to go through it to get through it. Hang in there. Scottie

Grief is exhausting and frustrating, and it wears you down until you blow up at everything. You're not crazy, by the way, this is entirely typical. I felt so much anger rise up in me that it was shocking to me. I could blow up over nothing! Cliff died of a heart attack, completely unexpected, he was only 55, and I became a single parent to our two autistic sons - in moments. How could I not be pissed off?!? The anger does need a better outlet, though. I found that pummeling my pillows with my fists got out the anger and had the added bonus of fluffing the heck out them. We all cope as best we can....

You might want to try reading the book "Seven Choices - Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World" by Elizabeth Harper Neeld. Your public library may have it - check there first - or it's available through Amazon. I read a bunch of grief related books, but that was the one that really helped me. It was like a gentle manual to guide me step-by-step through this crazy new world I found myself in. I have recommended it many times here, and many others likewise found it helpful. My edition also had a list of recommended resources to use to help kids, including recommended books and such, which you might also benefit from.

I can tell you to take care of yourself, and most likely, you will think, 'yeah, right Martha, how am I supposed to do that and everything else besides??' I got that all the time, so I know that gets annoying. However, you DO have to take care of yourself. Try small things, like set aside 10 minutes a day to write in a journal, or 10 minutes to take a walk around the block on your coffee break (it will help you de-stress at work and also improve your sleep), or set aside a half-hour with your kids to do coloring books together - the adult "mindfulness" coloring books are very popular now. Little things, not expensive, not overly time-consuming or exhausting, but they can really help.

Doing the work of two parents can make you feel like you're not doing enough or doing it right or whatever. This will further beat you down emotionally. Don't let it. You are doing a wonderful job in an impossible situation that is not of your making. Don't let it further feed into unnecessary guilt (another normal part of grieving). What your kids need and want from you right now is attention and reassurance, and even just a half-hour a day together talking or coloring or going for a walk or having cookies and milk together is great. My two sons each got their own conversations with me every day - one while helping make dinner and setting the table, the other after dinner before he cleared up and did the dishes. Some nights we would have movie nights, although introducing them to old tv shows (Star Trek, Gunsmoke, etc.) was their favorite way to pass an evening and not too emotionally grueling for me (I couldn't handle the news or tv shows Cliff and I watched together for a long time).

I am sorry this is so hard. I can tell you that you will get through this, you will find your way, and it will be worth it to keep going. If I had given up, I would have missed so much. There is still good stuff to come - it just won't feel like that's even possible for a time, but it will be. Don't give up. If even I could get through it, you will, too.

I hope today is a better day for you.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Hi, I am so sorry you lost your husband in September. I totally understand your anger, as I went through the same phase two years ago when my husband, John, died, was totally angry at everyone in my site, yelled at them, even yelling at no one outside, just to vent it out. That's the best way, vent that awful anger, yell, scream, cry. It will eventually ease down with time. Just take good care of yourself, be kind to yourself, and know that time, moments, days, months, will bring you healing to rebuild your life. Music, physical exercise, dance, reading, all good positive things. Take care, dear, come back and always talk to us here.
Hugs, sunflowers, Nanette

Anger is normal. I went through that stage very early like in the first month. I can't count how many times I apologized to guys at work. I had no patience. Still rears it's ugly head now and than but nowhere near as often. Your right we do have to carry on. Not because that's what we are supposed to do but because that's what we have to do. Your right we don't have a choice. Life may be horrible now but in time it will just get hard. It's hard to lose the love of your life. It's hard to lose the father of your children. You will get through this. Just as we all will. How? One second at a time. Only look back to remember the good times. Don't worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will soon enough become today. Just worry about today. Get through today. Thats your goal for now. Good thoughts and hugs out to you and your girls.

TIME, we each grieve in our own way & in our own TIME
Little steps...
Give yourself credit for what you accomplish in a day

It's been 4 years for me. The best way I can explain the beginning of this journey is, it was a maze.
There are obstacles that seem insurmountable, it's ok, we can't know how to do everything.
We had a spouse to share responsibilities, now it's changed.
We had someone to bounce off ideas, to talk to, now it's changed.

You are doing the best you can, at the moment, for the girls.
Again, give yourself a pat on the back.

Keep going forward, one foot in front of the other
One task accomplished
One day endured

A local church or hospital may offer a support group. It's beneficial to talk with others who have experienced our loss.
We are survivors
jdp