It's been three months since witnessing my love, my best friend, and by far the best person I ever known in this life take his last breath. It kills me how strong I have been in this whole grieving process. When he was alive, just the slightest thought of loosing him brought tears to my eyes. But now that he's gone I have forced myself into skipping as much of the grieving process as possible. I suck back tears, I try hard not to think of it and I keep my self so overwhelmingly busy I don't have the time to be sad. Am I hurting myself by doing this? I had 12 wonderful years of amazing memories but everytime I think about him no matter how blissful, it reminded me of the blood, the ambulance and the most God awful grief of that tragic day. I went back to work a week and a half after the accident and people tell me how amazed they are and how well I'm doing. Not only do i need to pay bills now that im on my own, but work is a form of distraction. However, skipping the grief makes me feel like a bad person, like I must not have loved him enough.... why am I not the wife who lays in bed for months crying over the loss of my husband? But I know that's not true. Matthew ment more to me then anything in the entire world. Perhaps it's because I know that he would not want me to be victimized by this.... so many questions and no answers.