Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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IAmSteve 10/27/2014

Well, after 5-1/2 months, I still don't have any of my "thank you" notes written, but I went out to look at different styles of monuments this weekend. I wanted to have it installed by Christmas, but it might not make in time. It felt good to actually be doing something that needs to be done.

What a beautiful day! It was mid-afternoon, and the site I had selected for us is on the East side of a Large maple tree. As I had hoped, the leaves were turning, and the tree was casting a shadow over our plots. It was truly peaceful. And then...

I started looking at all the other markers in our section, and was fixated on the dates and other details especially large last names in blackened letters. I saw a beautiful gray granite stone in the general shape I wanted and imagined seeing our names and dates chiseled-into the front. That was it. All I could take. Why am I standing out in a cemetery on a Sunday afternoon instead of being home watching football and getting to smell the wonderful scents coming from the kitchen as my wife prepared Sunday dinner.
I've got to get the stones ordered this week in order to have the slightest chance to have it by Christmas. But I'm not sure I'm ready to see her name on the sketch before placing the order. My beautiful wife is inside a box underground instead of at home working out holiday travel plans. I can't afford to wait much longer, but this is one more thing I really want to put off for a very long time. Yet I don't want her plot to go unmarked any longer either. I'm just not sure what to do. How long do people wait before selecting a marker? I'm wondering if the cemetery is beginning to get a little impatient with me.

Just another example of my inability to make decisions on anything right now.

hellerat13 10/27/2014

Hi Steve,

I think when you are ready to place her marker then that is the right time. It is a very hard thing to do, it makes it all so final. My Husband is buried at Fort Snellng here on Minneapolis and they had his Marker done by Christmas, Yet I didn't know it yet when I brought Christmas flowers for him and that was a complete shock and took my breath away. Don't rush into it if you are not ready, do it when you are and don't feel pressured. Peace and Love to you
Laurie

SandyV1 10/27/2014

Well Steve, after 6 months I have written 25 out of about 200 thank you notes (and posted none as I thought they should go out at the same time). I still have no idea where to scatter ashes and where (or if) there will be a marker. The funeral home is very patient and have said they'll check back with me every 6 months. That works for me as my priorities have been elsewhere ie. just getting through. I also have this idea that I'll know when and where and what is right eventually.
All the best
Sandy

lrs55 10/27/2014

I am still dealing with the marker issue as well, Steve, and the 4th will be 2 years. However, the last several months have been the monument maker's issue. He never finishes what we talk about on the phone. I am calling him at least once a week trying to get this finished up. My daughter and I made the decisions on the type of stone and everything over a year ago!

doyew 10/27/2014

My husband is in a cemetery where the markers are cast bronze and mounted flat on a marble slab. He was a veteran and I think the VA paid for it. Most of those in the cemetery are alike -- some are a little fancier, but none are the standing, stone kind. I'm sure this made it easier -- the order went in at the time of the funeral and the cemetery placed it when it came in. You will probably feel better when your wife's is placed, but nothing regarding this is "easy."

tothemoonalice 10/27/2014

I thought about my husband's headstone for several months and visited a few cemeteries for design ideas. I wanted something special, as he was, but not extravagant, as he would have told me not to "waste" the money. He died in September, 2013, and I didn't order the stone until just after the anniversary last month. It may be in by Christmas.

I'm looking forward to having an actual memorial to visit. For the past year I have visited his plot quite a few times, and left silk flower arrangements, but there was no identification there for anyone else to know who was so special.

It also felt strange to design a headstone for this double-depth grave, since the expectation is that I will be interred there too, when the time comes. So I was also designing my own gravestone. But at least I included elements that were meaningful for both of us.

But the cemetery never urged me to have the marker at any time. It is a cemetery over 100 years old, with an interesting range of old-style stones, up to the present, with engraved photos on headstones, etc. But many graves remain without stones (they have small initialed flat stones placed by the cemetery to mark the edges of the grave plots). They are also worthy of respect and I get a sense of peace being among them, and the grass and trees surrounding them.

I waited until I felt it was time, and now that I've done it, I am glad. I was sort of nervous about presenting my ideas to the marker company, since they will literally be "carved in stone." I think it will look very good, but even if it doesn't appeal to some people, I will always appreciate its meaning to me.

I think you will do what is right for you, at the right time!
Alice

sandeestttn 10/27/2014

I wanted my husbands stone before his birthday, didn't make it, so I tried to get it there on our anniversary. Made it a week later. It takes time. I wanted about 2 months. Then it took about 3 months to get here. It will be hard no matter when y.ou do it. I finally just figured the money I had, went to where I ordered the stone, told them, this is all I have for a double stone, told them the info went with him to the cemetery. They were so helpful. He made suggestions, I agreed. It is a nice stone. CAUTION.....when it gets there, don't view it the first time alone.

So sorry for your loss... Sandee

coffeeforme 10/27/2014

My husband was a veteran and he has a military marker. The funeral home had me pick which one I wanted immediately after the funeral. In a few days it will be just 5 months since he died. I had gone online to look at the choices but it was only when I looked at other markers while at the cemetery that I made up my mind. Although I thought it rather odd that they wanted me to pick so soon, I'm glad I did and it's installed. He is buried in another state so I have not seen it in person, but the cemetery sent a photo to me as I asked them to do.

That may sound super efficient, but my son who lives near me wants to plant a tree in his dad's memory and have a little memorial service. I thought I would do that in early Autumn. Nope. I just cannot get it organized. It may well be a year from now. I must not be ready to do it because it seems so insurmountable to plan it.

Guess I'll know when the time is right.

russ1153 10/27/2014

Since Im a veteran I picked a military marker that will be used for both graves. All they need to is add my date now. It took about three months to install. I ordered it at the same time I purchased the plots. They had a couple left in my family area sonmy grandparents, parents brother and me will all be in same area though I have a very difficult visiting right now. It took me a year yo send the thank you cards so finish when you can. Its hard.
Russ

statsmaster 10/27/2014

Steve,

My brother in law worked with the stone place to design a stone. I was able to turn it over to as we were burying his mothers ashes as well as some of Sally's. The grave was next to Sally's dad in a small town Montana cemetary. We dug the hole for the ashes, covered the ases with dirt and poured a concrete pad for the stone. Sally's brothers and me set the stone on Sally and Alice's grave. Got to agree with Sandee; the first time you see the stone it will be very hard. Sally died March 30, 2014 and we dug grave and set stone on Sunday before labor day. It was freaking hard emotional weekend and following week was hell. It kind of makes the event final and thats hard to accept.But we must! I waited to scatter Sally's ashes around our 3/4 acre property. The place she loved! One day my heart told me I could no longer, out of respect for my love for her, let her be in a box any longer. I covered all corners of the property and spread her ashes on her beloved cats graves. It was hard to do but, I know that is what she would have wanted. I guess my point is you will know when it is time to act. I can go out on the deck and know the sprit of Sally may be nearby. Sorry for you loss as we all are! Do not put a time frame on yourself. You ,like me are fairly recent into this roller coaster ride. We didn't ask for this but we will deal with it. BTW my middle name is Steven. Take care!

Dewey

Shrn 10/27/2014

I don't think you need to be concerned with the cemetery's opinion. It's hard putting up the marker. It's another step in saying that she is gone, and that's always hard. We do it in every day and in every way. It's why holidays are hard. Birthdays are hard. All building up to the knowledge that they are gone.

The time to place a marker is when you are ready to take that step. My husband was cremated by his wishes. I knew for years that was what he wanted. I had trouble dealing with the notion of cremation, but I had the same dealing with him being buried. The whole notion was something I didn't want to think about. But when he was diagnosed terminal with lung cancer I was forced to deal with it. There's no time limit on the marker. You do it when you feel it needs to be done. Hugs, Sharon

cliffskat 10/27/2014

The funeral home we used was wonderful and the cemetery folks where Cliff is buried were horrible, so when it came time to do the marker, I ignored the pressure from the cemetery and ordered it through the funeral home. They worked with me to get the size, stone, decorations, inscriptions, and everything right, did it within the price range I could afford, too. It was better and cheaper than what the cemetery was trying to force me into. In Florida, by law, the cemetery cannot force you to get the marker from them, and they cannot threaten not to continue the upkeep if you buy from someone else. Anyway, it is as close to perfect as I could get it.

It took me 2 years to place the marker. I wasn't ready until then. There was a temporary sign on the grave until then. Didn't matter to us. We rarely went there, and when we did, it wasn't really for what was on top of the grave, and we knew no one else would care but us.

Take your time, don't get pressured. It is a hard thing to decide. I think that if I could have written everything I felt about Cliff on his headstone, it would have had to be 100 feet high to get it all on there! How do you distill 30 years together into a few words?? It's not easy.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

deleted_user 10/28/2014

it's been 25 months and if on my own I probably still would not have a marker erected. I had to pick one, 'cos my in-laws generously offered their plot for my husband and he was the first to be buried there.
So, I was picking not just for him, but for their whole family. I did it about 6 months out.

I didn't want to see his name, but forced myself to. Then, when it was finally put in place(which took months, wasn't available for his first year), didn't want to see it, either.

don't be so hard on yourself, but if you feel it is hanging over you then do it.

onward1 10/28/2014

I couldn't stand the thought of a cemetery at all. So I had Paul cremated, our daughter picked out a beautiful urn and he is home with me. Don't feel pressured to make a decision. Take your time. Can they do the sketch with both of your names on it? That may be easier to look at rather than just her name on it. I think it takes on a loving tribute feel with both names sketched together.

Driftersoul 10/28/2014

Steve, there is no rush. Do take your time. For my part, I had the ashes of my husband with me at home for almost 2 years. Way before the disease came into our lives, he had told me, when I die, spread half of me back home in Switzerland and the other half spread here or do what you want. Well. After the funeral service I took the urn home and it took almost two years before I was ready to bring some of his ashes to be buried with his parents instead of spread around. I wanted a place where friends and family could stop and honor his memory. The other part I buried here in Canada a week after the Swiss burial. Dealing with the cemetery in Canada was hell. Thank God I was strong enough to deal with them! I would have been a mess if I would have had to deal with them shortly after his death! How could I have made such a huge decision when I was not capable of buying a pair of winter boots????? By the way, I finally bought my winter boots, today, almost three years after his death! Again, take your time Steve. No rush. No pressure. No regrets. Driftersoul

BandiBlue 10/29/2014

Hi, Steve . . .

I have to agree with some of the others who have responded before me: please take your time!

I realize that you would like the stone placed before Christmas, but judging by my family's experience, that may not be possible time-wise.

I'm certainly not trying to tell you what to do, but you might want to plan it out, have it sketched out, then simply wait till spring. During your wait, if you think of any changes, you'll have time to make them!

Hope everything works out for you. I know you'll make choices that will be a credit to your wife.

Wishing you peace . . .

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