I don't have any advice - but just to confirm you have a right to happiness. It's better for all round, including them, that you are happy.

You might tell them that he is just a friend for now. I would think that you would date for a while and allow your grand kids time to get to know him. That's what I would suggest. Also, how long have you been dating this man? Maybe keep dates away from kids until a specified amount of time. Like 3 or 6 months? Then they can get used to you talking about him before they meet, etc

Good for you!! I am so glad that you are getting on your feet again, dating and continuing on with your life is a big step!

As far as your grandchildren are concerned, my guess is that they have suffered many losses in their short lives. The fact that are being raised by you, their grandmother, tells me they have lost their mother, father AND grandfather (either figuratively, or as in the case of Grand Dad in reality) Before addressing their acceptance of your new guy, I would talk about their loss. I would talk about how things have changed. Let them know that it is ok to hurt, and talk about that hurt. What do they miss the most about Grand Dad? Have them write letters to him, draw pictures....If need be, get them some grief counseling. They could be thinking that this new guy is going to take you away from them too, and then would be left to care for them? That could be a freightening thought for such young kids.

So I guess my advice is to address what is going on under the surface, not the outward behavior. And again, you may need some professional help to get to it, but maybe not.

Good luck, and again, I am so happy that you are starting to move forward. Let us know how you make out!

Paula

my grandaughter and I were talking about marriage today, I told her some people get married for convienence....And IF I ever did again, thats what it would be for. even though I never look for that to happen. At my age.... just for someone to help me.

I THINK YOU KNOW WHEN ITS TIME FOR YOU

Talk to them about being lonely without him to share THEM, CAMPING (or similar fun), hugging someone, fixing the car etc......
And that you will always love Grandpa ALWAYS but this new guy is a different kind of love for now. A getting to know love and that in time MAYBE it will be someone forever.....And give it that time to continue to share those feelings with them.

I wish you well and happiness

I am not near being ready to date it has only been 6-7 months ...
Though I am comfortable being alone I prefer having someone to share life with. If God provides me the opportunity to have that at some future date I will accept that...
As to the kiddos even kids who's parents divorce, secretly wish they were still together at some point or stage in the process....
Time and perhaps therapy for your little family would help the process....
I wish you the best....

I would create more opportunities for that man to get to know them, to connect with them.
Getting to know each other eliminates half of the problem usually, otherwise, unknown is scary; they might see him as a threat to thier some form of stability.
People they loved were taken away from them before, so they just might anchoring the new situation to what they had learned about life so far.
Reassuring them is important. Also you are their parental figure and they learned from you about life, love, loyalty, etc. Communicate your position of those important issue, otherwise, they will use their imagination to fill up the gaps.
Lastly, I respect you for taking this huge responsibility raising your grandchildren. Hope you work this out.
Good luck.

More than anththing, your grandchildren are telling you they are grieving and asking you for help ~

Please read my Journal ~
Links to dating with grieving children, etc ~

I am a realist. You have the right to a life of your own and remember when their time comes, the kids will not think twice about you when they want to date. Tell them quite firmly, that nobody will ever replace your husband, but you are entitled to new friends also. Don't let them manipulate you into feeling guilty. IMO kids are given way too much power these days, and they lack the life experience to deal with it. Enjoy your dating, your vows were until death parts you. You kept them. Now take all the good you can get - you are worthy of it.

for one your their grand mother and they think that your not sopposed to have intimate relationships regaurdles of wether they new your husband or not. that's the way I thought about my uncle when he started dating again . I was wrong and I realize that now they will understand eventualy

If you haven't had a chance to read all the links in my Journal I will some info here ~
Excerpt from "Effects of Dating/Remarriage on Grieving Children"
"It is very common for children and adults to experience a renewal of or increase in their grief at this time. You can also count on your children presenting you w/questions, challenges, and/or problematic behaviors assocaited with your dating/marriage."
Low self esteem, skin hunger and loneliness are contributing factors in choosing to date ~
Dating/remarriage prolongs grief ~
Grief takes back seat to the relationship. When the honeymoon period ends and the reality of the work involved to maintain the relationship, grief will come back worse.
Dating/Remarriage takes stamina ~
When dating you must be prepared for the times he doesn't call, possibility of multiple dating partners, cancellations, no babysiter, his/your mood swings, issues w/grandchildren affecting dating, disagreements, etc - none which your grandchildren should be exposed to ~
Your chances of the above happening are high since you have taken on the responsiblity of having your grandchildren live with you to raise due to what they have gone through ~
Everything we are comes from our past. Childhood is the formative years; it is where we form our deepest resentments that carry on into adulthood ~
Please do not risk losing them emotionally or legally ~
There is a period during anger in that we resign to "I want what I want, when I want it & how I want no matter what anyone says or who I hurt" ~
Baring down w/the anger & doing grief work resolves those strong emotions, and I learned from it that no one was trying to take away anything more than what I had already lost. This issue was a matter of low self esteem (I also have a link on how to build self esteem in my journal) ~
Whether you decide to keep dating or not, please take your grandchildren in for therapy to help them w/their grief, to help them get through this additional layer of grief caused by dating, possible abandonment issues to help you & your family together ~
You might find that the love & attention they need from you is also what you need from them ~
Good luck ~

"Dating/remarriage prolongs grief "

Dating after loss is a really sensitive subject here as I know after being here for 6 years.

I'm sure alot of members will be curious how you arrived at such a dogmatic and I would suggest incorrect conclusion.

It is a challenge to make kids understand that love is not some finite thing that can only be doled out so much and then there is no more. The kids are worried that you will love this man more than them, they aren't really old enough to understand relationships yet. I think all of us who have kids and gotten into a new relationship have had to address insecurities on the part of our kids - whether they are like your grandkids ages, or my sons' who were in their early 20's.

It is not disrespectful to take the lessons you learned about love and love someone else in your new life. It takes great courage to love again after loss. And I can assure you, 100%, it does NOT prolong your grief - nor does it shorten it either. You are not new to this journey, so I am not concerned that you are doing something you shouldn't. You have a right to have a life and be happy and be loved. You also will act as the example of how to carry on with living after loss for your grandkids. They may fuss now, but in the end they will thank you for the beautiful example of strength and love you are providing them with now.

What worked for me was to keep talking to my kids. To reassure them that I would always love them and care for them. I made sure that I had one-on-one time with each of them and maintained a good and attentive relationship with them both. We grieved together, we learned together, we rebuilt our lives together, and we are much, much more bonded and closer than we were before. My sons know there is much more to life than death and grieving.

And we are a new blended family now. I am married to a widower, and my sons have a stepfather now. He can't replace their Dad entirely, never will, but he is not expected to. But the plus side also includes my kids also have grandparents now (mine and Cliff's parents are dead), and I have not only my new husband in my life but his daughter and his parents as well. All of our lives have been enriched and blessed so much, and it is astonishing some days to see how far we have all come in the process.

Do not be discouraged. Parenting/grand-parenting is always a challenge, so is loving after loss. But they are worth it. I think it is wonderful that you have some companionship in your life. It is healthy, it is good for you. You may have to take things more slowly for a time to help the kids get used to it, but I am sure it will work out for you.

For additional support, I would also encourage you to check out the member group here called Hopeful Hearts-Loving Again After Loss.

Hope this helps....

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Dating and remarriage prolongs grief"

that is such a powerful statement, and sometimes it is true. When you go into a relationship just to get away from the pain of the loss, I can see where that may be a problem.

that does NOT sound like you! I am widowed 2 and a half years now. Loved my husband with everything I am. And now...i am making a move across the country, leaving my hometown behind to start another chapter in my life. I took alot of time to think it out, and came to the conclusion that life will be BETTER and I can ADD to the love I have already had in my life with giving MORE of it!

My kids understood thankfully and are very supportive. but MANY children are not. you are right, they ARE also grieving, but as previously mentioned, the kids will have a life. They will Date, they will marry, they will love. you have to take care of YOU. they will always love you, but they will GROW they will LEAVE...and you have a chance to have MORE love in your life. I also agree that that is COURAGE after loss.

i remember talking myself out of moving over and over in my mind..having that internal fight with myself. But one thing i would think of ..when I am 70, do I want to look back and say I should have? Or I DID...Simple after that...

I wish I had good solid advice on how to make the children and grands understand. they will have to come and accept in their time frame. what I told my own kids was that I could have the strength to love again, BECAUSE I had a BEAUTIFUL love...not ever forgetting their dad or the joy of him in my life..never forgetting..ADDING to it.. I hope that helps and BEST of luck...

Diane

Yes, it is true they will grow, they will leave and they will marry (almost sounds like a preparation for doomsday) ~
Those are in their future ~
Grief makes us think too far ahead even though the reality is now ~
One has to live in the now & work w/the issues at hand ~
Once the anger is resolved at the "life is not fair" & "I'm gonna make it fair come hell or high water"; it is no longer a battle & one's attitude improves ~

The choice to raise her grandchildren has already been accepted. The PO stated the grandchildren "have gone through alot"; it indicates major issue(s) w/the grandchildren & their parents. By accepting the responsibility of the grandchildren she has said "I can provide for them" ~
Remember, these are not her children. There are risks involved ~

Whether the PO continues to date or not, I still believe grandmother should provide family & individual therapy for both herself & grandchildren ~

Good luck horsepad ~