Julie, I so understand what you are feeling. For so long, I saw no reason whatsoever for me to go on. What purpose did I have now? None that I could see!
I decided to try what others recommended. I got involved in a new church, volunteered to help cook and do Bible School. I bought a little RV camper and was determined I could go camping by myself.....and I did! Then, my son and DIL and 5 yr old grandson started camping with me. Now the 4 of us go every few weeks. I never wanted to do these things. It just wasn't in my mind that any of this would pull me out of the pit, but I was willing to try what others recommended. It did NOT make me miss Joe any less. But it DID get me going toward recovery. Now, at 2 and a half years I have now begun keeping my grandson in the summer when his pre-school was out for the summer and now I'm picking him up at school every day so his mom can work.

I don't have my Joe back. I could cry whenever I think of him. But I did not fall into a deep black hole, either. I put one foot in front of another and plodded on when I saw no reason whatsoever to do it. I felt worthless. But as time went on, I began to see that my friends at church look forward to seeing me and miss me when I don't show up. My grandson says Grandma is the BEST and LOVES to be with me. His school needs me to work in the Book Fair next month, so they will be looking for me. When there is a funeral at our church, they call me to come help in the kitchen to prepare a meal for the family.

So, no, there is no way to bring back the life we had. But there is still something out there. I have found that if I have LOVE (from any person - relative, neighbor, friend, co-worker) it makes my life worth something. And that is what I live for now. I wish the very best for you as you begin your struggle to find out why you're still here. There is a purpose for you and you will find out - one little day after the other. Take baby steps, be kind to yourself, and keep coming here where everyone knows how you feel!
Kathleen

The main thing, honey, is to give yourself time. You were left behind for a reason...you still have something to do in this life. I'm going to be without Vern for one year next month and I am just now giving any thought to what will keep me on this path. Everyone's different. Don't push yourself or let anybody else push you forward until it's YOUR decision. I got that advice and it's true...but with this roller-coaster ride you may feel half-way decent one day and hitting bottom the next. Let it happen. Do nothing...or do whatever you feel you can do. Right now I am wrestling with trying to find the "me" since the "we" is not here.

Stay with us and just take it one day, hour, minute at a time and allow yourself your grief. One day you will do a small thing and it will be a big triumph. Seems like it takes forever, but you can do it!

I am starting to see a pinprick of light at the end of the tunnel and although I hope it isn't a train I don't think it is. I'll sit here at the station and wait to see. My purpose is still nebulous, but I feel it's out there, getting clearer each day. It's sometimes just a matter of stubborn staying power and patience with yourself that gets you through to that little pinprick of light, but it will come. We're always here and always ready to listen and love. (((((Julie))))) Marilyn

Julie ,
My purpose is you all because any day I can make some one feel good for just one second it means the world to me. You have been an amazing support to me and many other. Charlie would want you to have that beautiful smile you always had with him. You have so much to ofter to people .

I know it is hard to live without are loves, but they would want us to keep moving forward even if it hurts because they love us with all of their hearts. Just remember those wonderful eyes you look into for 45 yrs and how much happiness they brought you.


My new found purpose is taking care of a pig. I know what you all are thinking has she gone offthe deep end . Bacon Jr is so funny and I love havinf something I have to take care of. My hubby is up there looking down saying you are so crazy because you have that pig in the house . I have always made my hubby think because he never knew what i would bring home. But that is not my only purpose you guys are too. I love all of you here and you all are so wonderful and caring.



Big hugs to you all , Jaime

Julie, I know how you feel about "finding the purpose" each day. After my DH passed 13 months ago, I had my companion-cat Lucy by my side and she gave me some sense of purpose. She passed 2 weeks ago, and now I'm grieving for both my husband and my companion cat...feeling so heartbroken.
I agree with what our dear friends here said...our purpose is to give encouragement and comfort to others in our widowed world. If we can add a little happiness in the lives of our family, friends, neighbors, everybody we come in contact with...then that's a good purpose right there.
Keep the faith, we have to believe that our lives will get better, so hang in there and be thankful for even the smallest blessings.
Sending hugs,
Nancy

Hello Julie,
I am Judy, I have not been on here for while and I am sorry for that to all new ones here. I have been helping the grieving in realtime and it has taken me away from all of you but I still pray everyone of you that I met and all the new ones I do not know.

I lost my youngest sister Feb 9th,2010 & my Carmelo my common law husband just weeks later to hep c. He was on the list for a liver, on the day they were wheeling him down to surgery he aspirated and because he swallowed his own blood, they told us he was to weak to survive healing from this infection and we had to take him off life support.

I was angry at God for years but when my sister and Carmelo passed I turned to God for comfort and also to be close to them because I felt if I talked to God, I would be close to my loved ones.

I gave my pain gradually to God and He in turn gave me comfort, peace and joy in my heart.

I also was able to help others and this helped to heal me.

I have asked Him for my calling and He has started me on a huge one, I will start giving a bible group at home for Bereavement and also I started a facebook group online for the ones who can not come. It has turned into all over the world group.

I post beautiful scriptures, photos, videos and music for the grieving to find healing.

God has shown me my calling and He can show you yours, I will be praying for you to find comfort and peace and most of all wisdom to know what it should be.

Hugs & God Bless,
Judy

Julie;

I can't answer your question - to be truthful it is not something that I think of. I also do not question why this is happened. I have deep sorrow and pain but I also have a deep faith. I'm working my way through the sorrow by reaching out, saying what I need to say, feeling what I need to feel but also not worrying about tomorrow. Todd and I would speak often of our life being "the most excellent adventure" - it is how we lived not knowing where the road would take us. I do not know what my future holds but I do not fear it. I will continue the "most excellent adventure" without knowing where this road will take me. The only thing I know is that this adventure I will take will be without Todd no longer physically here with me but he is still with me in a different way. Because of that I am not fearful. I will take a step into the future knowing that our love is forever & always. I hope that you are able to take that step one day without fear and knowing that your Charlie will be with you.

Julie............have decided to let go of the purpose thing ..............just going through the day and seeing where it leads..........since I am not working, it is easier to do that................following my gut as much as possible...............no answers................
hugs
Lori

Hi Julie - You know that I feel the same way - why are we still here? Is it just to torture us being apart from Charlie and Brian? I think we still have a job to do on this earth. What it is, we still don't know. But I've been thinking of volunteering somewhere - maybe the hospital - maybe the Cancer Centre. I don't know but I feel drawn to that because I know what those ladies that were kind to us and brought us coffee and tea while we were waiting made us feel better for a little while. Maybe I'll try that. My church is looking for volunteers to wash the altar boys uniform - maybe I'll volunteer for that because I enjoy washing and ironing. Anyway, I think I'll start be thinking of others instead of me and how rotten I feel. What do you think - is this a good idea? Do you think you could volunteer? I know that many organizatiions need help and with winter coming, I will have time to help. Good luck in finding your niche in life.

I understand what your going through, the 6 months is the worst... I sat in my yard and tears just rolled from my heart and eyes, I could NOT stop them.. I thought it would never end but it did... I finally was able to move on, to take that next step. I am a social worker for a nursing home. My first big problem was a patient that was ready to die and I had to set up Hospice for him.. It brought back all the pain, hurt and tears for myself.. I worked through it then I went outside to get hold of myself.. I now have an understanding of what they are going through, what the family feels.. I had people tell me to stop crying, to cowgirl up get over it... IF you have not been there you can not know the feelings, anger, loss, anxiety....... I am able to honestly sympathize with people. I can give back with heart...................
It will get better, It does get better... My prayers are with you.....We are there for you.... Just take one small step at a time... DO not expect answers immediatly.. Give yourself time.... Hospice tells you it can take a minimum of three years but it can take much longer also.... TIME... it is ok...

I think we will always have a purpose and that it will always be somewhat in flux - subject to changes. It has always been so, but with the protection of the security of our loves, it has not been so obvious. We have a tendency to think that everything has disappeared from our lives because they are gone. It feels that way for a long time. I felt like half of me had been ripped away when Cliff died.

Gradually, you start to see the things in your life more clearly that you still have, including the legacies they left behind - some large, some small. We also start to find those things in ourselves that our spouses fell in love with in the first place. And each day that we hang on is another day with an opportunity for joy as well as sorrow.

The thought that you could ever be happy again, even for brief moments, will seem like an impossibility in the early weeks. I think there were even times in the early days when I wanted to shout at people, "How dare you think I will ever be happy again!"

My own purpose, initially, was obvious -- I have two sons, both on the autism spectrum, and I became their single parent. But beyond that? All my "purposes" were entwined with Cliff's purposes. I had to find what I could do on my own, who I was on my own, who it was Cliff had fallen for in the first place as well as who he had helped me become. That takes time.

At the end of my first year, I did a journal entry about New Year's resolutions, and several people commented that the following list helped them, so I will give it to you in the hope that it will help you as you find you way through this. I can't tell you what your purposes will be, but perhaps this will help you find them:


1. Be happy for whatever and whoever you have, and whatever and whoever you once had.

2. Be grateful for small blessings, unexpected wonder, loud laughter, minor successes, and new knowledge.

3. Be selfless - every person is precious - share the wealth of yourself. Someone needs you.

4. Love whoever is still here, starting with yourself first.

5. Dont give up.


I have done my best to live this way since that first year, and it helped. I am coming up on 5 years in November. I can tell you that one of the things that has struck me with each passing year was how much I would have missed if I had given up after I lost him. There is still laughter, and wonder, and love, and purpose, and I would have missed so much. It is worth it to keep trying.

I hope this helps...

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Dear Julie, you don`t have to go looking for a purpose, it will find you, or it is already there for you to see.
Early days my purpose was to get out of bed, go to work,see my boys and g-kids.In writing this it seems that hasn`t changed much -
Children are what ties us to this earth, they are the great equalizer!
Where you are just taking care of yourself, and maybe others is a huge purpose, don`t sell yourself short, you are still breathing so you are doing something right, and are to be commended for holding it together enough to even be on this site! God bless and keep you... G-

I have to say that at 18 weeks I had no purpose. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and kept forcing myself to get up, get dressed, and keep going. I guess that my goal was to survive..even though I felt like I belonged with my husband...and since he was in heaven...I felt like I belonged in heaven with him. I had no fear of dieing because it meant I would be with my Denny.

My job kept me trying to keep my home. My children and grandchildren reminded me that they needed me...but I was hurting so much (where you are right now) that I was sure I really had no purpose. It is like someone opened the shoot underneath me and I fell into hell.

So...if you are wondering what your purpose is in still being here..I wasn't there yet...I couldn't think about the future yet and HAD to take it one baby step at a time...one day at a time.

It wasn't until much later down the road that I noticed that even though my world was grey...there was still color in the rest of the world. Even though I felt so alone...there still were people that cared about me. Even though I thought I was the only person in the world hurting so...there were so many others who were walking the same walk...especially here in DS that understood how I felt.

Now I once again have purpose....but it did not come instantly...it did not come easily...and it did not come for a long long time.

My purpose is to live this life that I have been given the best I can from moment to moment and day to day. To live, to laugh, to love, and hopefully to dance. I am here to share what I have learned along the way, and to honor the man that completed me and live in a way that he would be proud of. And now I know that my purpose is once again to experience joy whenever and wherever I can and share that joy with others, especially my children and grand children.

hugs....
-Diana

At 18 weeks, I have to say that I was still questioning, and searching for ANY purpose. I was going through the motions, but not really FEELING the moment, or being grateful. I 'talked' about it often, wrote about it often, and hoped that if i wrote about it and believed there WAS a purpose, that I'd find it.

My pirpose was there all along as i look back now. My purpose was to be happy in the fact that I was fortunate enough to have such a love in my life even if much too short, and use that to BE in the here and now.

To learn from that experience, all of it, and pass it forward to others. Yo yell people that REAL love does indeed exsist, and that no matter how long or short, it IS what life is all about. To have that feeling in life.

I look at Greg's family, dear freinds, my children, his children (our children) and have a purpose. To be here to watch as they grow, to be their link to Greg and all that he was to all of us. To be happy to be ABLE to watch their growth, and be amazed by THEM now and what they will become, knowing I'm watching them through my eyes, and also through love, in my heart...... Gregs eyes.

To be happy "I" am here on this earth here and now. This one is the HARDEST to do, but once you make it to just BE happy to BE? It IS a good feeling!!! I think that may be more of a goal, but for me it's the same thing.

Our purposes in this world I think have a way of finding us. When we just start trying to be in the here and now.

My purpose in the end i think is simple...to be his legacy plain and simple. To pass what I have learn3ed about love, and PEACE being OK with who I am in this world, and knowing I am taking him with me, not leaving him behind, but taking him with me so I can possibly touch lives as he touched mine so profoundly...

I don't know if any of this made any sence, but as far as purpose? On word to sum up? LEGACY. As YOU are your sweet husbands legacy.......that in itself? I s a HUGE PURPOSE.

HUGS and much love to you in finding what your very own purpose is...Diane

Julie,
Sometimes I think it is impossible to see our "purpose" until years have passed. It has been over 2 1/2 years for me and I know there must be a purpose why I am here, but I don't see it yet. My husband had so much more to offer the world. Everyone liked him. He was one of those people who could just get along with others. I, on the other hand, have always felt like a nobody. Really, I lived 28 years in his shadow, but I liked it that way. When he was gone, I couldn't help but wonder why him and not me?

"Being a member here and writing all the time has gotten me this far, but I don't see what the future has to offer."
The first year, I felt exactly the same way. DS saved me, but I couldn't see a future other than finding support and comfort here. But I gradually began to look at it a little differently. I tried to focus on all I have left here. Most of all, I remembered Dan's words to me, how he wanted me to go on living. Now, I kind of feel like it is my duty to go on and live - To live for Dan!

A year ago, I met another man. I wasn't looking for a relationship, wasn't ready for one and had a horrible time dealing with what was happening. Oh Gosh, it felt like such a betrayal to Dan....I almost did not allow it to happen. But once again my DS friends were here for me - supporting, reassuring, encouraging.

I have finally accepted a few things about widowhood: #1 I will ALWAYS be a widow #2 It is OK to "move on." #3 I NEVER have to give up Dan, He will always live in my heart. My love for him, memories, and all he taught me is gradually filling that gaping hole that was left in my heart when he left. #4 I will continue to grieve until I see him again. I accept that and allow it.

Now back to my PURPOSE...????....I can see some possibilities. Maybe it is to help others who are going through this struggle? Maybe it is to help my new husband who still suffers the effects of a horrendous childhood? Maybe it is something that I will never know?

I don't think our purpose or reason to go on living has to be anything astounding. Right now, your purpose is to give yourself time to heal. You need lots of it. I tried to rush my healing, pretend I was stronger than I was....That didn't work. About 4 months ago, I finally realized that healing is a lifelong process. Oh, it does get better with time as everyone says. But don't believe that time is some magical cure all. Getting better doesn't mean the pain ever leaves us, we just learn how to live with it better.
Hang in there
Angie

Early in my grief I demanded to know what my life purpose was. I felt that it must be something very important to justify the intense anguish I was experiencing.

I have come to see that my life purpose has not changed from what it was before my husband died. I am here to interact with others, hopefully in a positive way. A primary focal point of that purpose was my husband. Now that he is gone, I must re-focus my attention. It has taken me awhile to realize this as I work through the sadness of him being gone. He was my favorite person and I enjoyed focusing on him. Now I must focus on myself and others.

My life purpose is still the same. There must be others that need me. I need to be willing to make those connections.