My husband also died from liver problems. He was 58. He had hepatitis C and developed pnuemonia and sepsis which triggered his liver and kidneys shutting down. If you don't want to answer the phone then don't answer it. I often did tell people - and lost some friends in the process - but got tired of saying I was ok. Some people just stayed away altogether. I think most people really do want to know how you are doing. I know that I would want to hear the truth.

I had so many people avoid me that I would have welcomed people asking me - at least they care (I would hope). I hope joining our little group here will help you.

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this, so sorry you have a need to be on this website at all, becoming a widow is by far the worst thing I've ever been through. I know it's hard to hear those questions--because to us it seems obvious how we are doing--but honestly I think people who ask how we are doing are just trying to show they care. You will have lots of questions that are clueless--and "how r u doing" will be one of the better ones for sure. A lot of people just say whatever comes to mind. They just have no idea what this is like. I can only suggest from experience that you don't answer the phone if you don't feel like talking or dealing with them, do whatever makes it easier for you to get through it because you are the one living the nightmare. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to grieve. Rant, rave, vent, cry, whatever you need to do. Come here and vent to us because we will listen, we've been where you are and we understand how it feels. My prayers are with you. Hugs

Hi Autumn, I am so sorry for your loss. My husband passed away November 2010 to head and neck cancer. My husband passed away at home. I had care for him here except for a few hospital visits, and he refused to go back to the hospital. The last 3 wks. of his life hospic was brought in. Not many people ask me anymore how I'm doing. I think because most of the time now it shows on my face. I watched my husband in pain for three years, every day getting worse on him. You are never prepared for death. I don't care how many times or how often they tell you. You never are. I am so sorry you have to be a part of our family here, but glad that you found your way here. I hope that we can help with what you need. we are all here for the same reason. Everyone here is wonderful. All my best to you: Donna

My husband passed away on October 9, 2010. I went through almost the same thing you did. He had cancer in the liver and lung too. The primary cancer was pancreatic. He died 44 days after the diagnosis. He was sick for months before the diagnosis. I too had to call in Hospice myself. Hospice was called in on Wednesday. He died on Saturday. I haven't shared much on this but I really like reading everybody's story. It makes you feel like you are not alone. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Hi Autumn,

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband.

I used to answer "coping the best that I can" when people asked. As others have said, there will be other remarks made that seem thoughtless or downright stupid, but most of the time, people do care. And they do not know what to say.

There are many wonderful reasons to be at this site, but one of the best is that it validates our feelings and responses. We really do understand. The others who do not, or who think we should be at a point that we are not, yet, will try (sometimes) to tell us how to grieve or that we are somehow doing it wrong. It is wonderful to be supported by others who are on the same journey, and tell you that you are not crazy for crying your eyes out 5 10 or 15 months later.

Keeping you in prayer,

Shar

Welcome Autumn, and I am so VERY sorry for your pain, and your great loss. I am very glad you found this group, and I hope being here will help you in the same way it has helped me so much.

My heart is literally breaking for you as I read your words. It mirrors what my sweet husband Greg and I went through also. while he did not have Cancer, he did have cirrohsis, and was diagnosed in 2009, after many tests to rule out other problems. He was on many choleserol meds from early twenties, and also macular degeneration drugs for his eyes, that is thought to be the cause along with family history. We were DETERMINED to win this battle. We were proactive, and became fluent in all that had to do with his desease. We were not married yet, and married in 2010. We had kept his MELD score between 16 and 18 down from 29 for many months, and the medical staff was astonished at this, THEN the sodium level in his blood started to drop rapidly, and frequently. Many trips to the hospital for Samsca therapy to elevate it. Many TAPS to relieve the ascites build up, and then had TIPS therapy to try to avert all other therapies. FEAR at every turn as you know, and HOPE that all would come out OK. After the TIPs procedure, he started feeling even worse, and along with ascites, he now had adema in both legs.
the daily Tests to make sure we were giving enough Lactulose, the mental testing, the hand tests, the FEAR everytime he would want to go somewhere and drive. the fatigue, the muscle loss, the lack of appetite, and the creative ways to get nutrition into him,The checking the blood numbers frequently the weekly blood draws,the many different therapies to get rid of the water in his system, checking creatinen levels for his kidneys, the bilirubin counts that we would know were elevated because of the jaundice. It has all come back through your post as if it were yesterday for me.

All the while this sweet man fought, as did you and your sweet husband. He fought with all that he had as I did by his side. To watch the wonderful man I loved most in the world deteriorate before my eyes every day, and knowing that his spirit while so ill, would be strong for us. His family who loved him so. He had come back from a procedure on a Friday eveing, and returned to the hospital at 5 am Sunday morning having had a heart attack. they had to Stent the heart, and the dye used overtook his organs to a point that he could not recover. I was in shock, and refused to belive he would die. He almost 5 days on life support, and then let go.

your post has brought it all back to me, and I'm literally feeling it all right with you.. I am SO VERY SORRY for your pain, and I wish I could wish it away for you. I really do. I know the hell you went through with your sweet husband, I really do.I also know about being your love's nurse, while being his wife.

On the night Greg passed, the respiratory doc called the room. He asked that same question. "How are you?". I so needed a release, and let him have all I had inside me. I replied in a rather loud voice. "How DO YOU THINK I'M DOING?!?!?!" I KNOW what you feel when people ask. You just want to SCREAM! Now, when people ask this question I know that they mean the very best, and my reply is usually, "If you really want to know thenI'll tell you, but if not, and I understand the not, we'll go with "fine" and leave it at that ok?". Usually works well, and no one has become offended by it. when someone I don't know very well, asks I ususally just go with "fine', and move on.

And no, we are never prepared for the one we love to die. I KNOW I wasn't, as much as I thought I had prepared myself, NO ONE is prepared.

Please know that you have found such a good place to be, and please come back and read, post, VENT all you want to. I came here almost 9 months ago, and it leterlaly IS a lifeline for me. I HOPE it helps you too.

HUGS of welcome, and again I am so very sorry you had to find us.

Diane

How are you doing? Not thoughtless as some of the things I have heard. I hate "Call me if you need anything". They never answer the phone. I think you could do a lot worse than having people ask how you are doing.

Maggie

Your story is very sad, I am very sorry that you are now dealing with the grief of deep loss, like we are. When people ask me how i'm doing I tell them the truth; My wife died, I'm lonely and miserable and I'm hoping to join her soon.

They never ask again.

God Bless, Sal.

Autumn1019, so very sorry for your loss. Reading your post like Diane I can feel your pain. I dont like to go back to that final 12 hours because the pain feels not just emotional but physically. When my husband was dx on sept 1 with liver cancer, we researched all we could and knew the outcome was not good.I even got an appt for Bruce at one of the best hospitals, mayo in Rochester mn. The day Bruce died he was in so much pain I had to call an ambulance to bring him in. I never knew he was in his final hours. The doctor informed me at that time that it was. We were still holding out hope for a miracle I guess. I took him home at 9:00 am, priest arrived by 9:30, hospice arrived at 11:00 and he was gone by 3:00. I knew the time was coming but still was in such shock that he didn't survive.
I remember feeling angry a couple of months after the funeral when I was asked "how are you". I took it in stride and convinced myself they really were concerned. God bless you on this journey and I am so glad you found your way to this support group. It has made all the difference for me.
Brenda

Come here and tell us how you are really doing. We really understand and care.

My answer: As well as can be expected.

Autumn, sending hugs to you.
When people ask, be honest. Those that care will continue to hold you, call you, pray for you. Those that don't care won't ask again.
Your story makes more tears flow, some for you, some for me, some for the futures we won't be able to experience with our dear husbands.

Boy did this post bring back memories. I too had to call hospice and my Mike died with only 1 and 1/2 days of care. When I called the doc, she said, yes, it sounds like he needs hospice now, and I was floored. This happened almost two years ago and I'm slowly adapting to a new life. At first, like you, I hated it when people asked how I was doing. It was a ridiculous question from people who had no clue; but now, I've got to be honest, I don't mind when people ask, because it hardly happens anymore and I feel like it's up to me to keep my love's memory alive. It gives me a chance to talk about him. It's weird how my perspective has changed on this surreal journey. I pray for peace to your heart autumn.

Autumn, I am sorry for the loss of your husband. I lost my wife on Sept 20 after seeing doctors in multiple hospitals just trying to keep having hope. Even after one Dr. hinted at Joanne having 6 months we still had hope. Just after Labor Day it was suggested she go into hospice. So she was at home for 3 weeks until that fateful day. It was hard on me to see her get worse on a daily basis. It's hard on me thinking about it.
Everyone asks me how are you doing. I just say I'm F.I.N.E. They say oh, that's good. Little do they know that that is an acronym for Freaked Out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional. I'm feel I'm telling them the truth.

Thanks for everyone's kind responses. It is good to know that all of my feelings, thoughts, emotions and everything else seems pretty par for the course. I still sometimes can't believe that this terrible thing has happened, it seems like a bad dream. I had returned to college and am completing a 10 week course this week, and started another 2 weeks ago and my husband died 3 weeks ago...

I really don't mind answering people when they ask how I'm doing. I guess it's when my mom asks me every day. She never stops talking about how he died (she was there too) and I just don't need to hear it. I lived it. I feel bad, she is almost 81 and she is taking it hard, sometimes I think worse than me! I ask her to change the subject but she can't. Sorry I feel like I'm rambling.

Kelly