Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
My husband passed away on October 19th. He just turned 61. I am 48. We had no children. We would have been married 14 years on Nov. 1, but lived together for 8 years prior to marriage and dated since 1987.
He was diagnosed with liver cancer in August 2010. I am an RN, so I knew the likely prognosis, and so did he. The worry and constant state of fear of the past year has been so stressful, I can't imagine dealing with that for years and years...
He had surgery to remove the tumor in Sept. 2010 and remained cancer-free until last May. In June he underwent a special radiation treatment in the hopes of shrinking enough of the tumors to qualify for a transplant. We were told the treatment of his liver was successful, but unfortunately the cancer had spread to other organs.
He was only really sick for the last 8-10 weeks of his life, and for that I am grateful. He used to brag to people that he was the healthiest looking sick guy you'd ever see. He was hospitalized twice in August, discharged Labor Day weekend and ended up with C diff, which made him very ill.
He refused any further hospitalization, although we went in every 2 weeks to have fluid drained from his abdomen.
I knew he was dying, he knew he was dying, but no Dr. ever came out and told us he was dying. I had to call Hospice myself 2 days before his death. I felt abandoned by the medical team, left to deal with this on my own.
Hospice came on Monday, he died on Wednesday morning. It was probably the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life, to be a nurse to my dying husband. He never wanted to go back in the hospital again and I had to honor that.
The day before he died was terrible, he was restless and confused and I was so exhausted with no sleep. I was not prepared for the way he died...are we ever??
How do you repond when people ask "how r u doing?" I hate to be rude, but how do they think I'm doing? I'm doing crappy...this loss is deep and profound and awful... I don't want to answer the phone...
He was diagnosed with liver cancer in August 2010. I am an RN, so I knew the likely prognosis, and so did he. The worry and constant state of fear of the past year has been so stressful, I can't imagine dealing with that for years and years...
He had surgery to remove the tumor in Sept. 2010 and remained cancer-free until last May. In June he underwent a special radiation treatment in the hopes of shrinking enough of the tumors to qualify for a transplant. We were told the treatment of his liver was successful, but unfortunately the cancer had spread to other organs.
He was only really sick for the last 8-10 weeks of his life, and for that I am grateful. He used to brag to people that he was the healthiest looking sick guy you'd ever see. He was hospitalized twice in August, discharged Labor Day weekend and ended up with C diff, which made him very ill.
He refused any further hospitalization, although we went in every 2 weeks to have fluid drained from his abdomen.
I knew he was dying, he knew he was dying, but no Dr. ever came out and told us he was dying. I had to call Hospice myself 2 days before his death. I felt abandoned by the medical team, left to deal with this on my own.
Hospice came on Monday, he died on Wednesday morning. It was probably the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life, to be a nurse to my dying husband. He never wanted to go back in the hospital again and I had to honor that.
The day before he died was terrible, he was restless and confused and I was so exhausted with no sleep. I was not prepared for the way he died...are we ever??
How do you repond when people ask "how r u doing?" I hate to be rude, but how do they think I'm doing? I'm doing crappy...this loss is deep and profound and awful... I don't want to answer the phone...
deleted_user
I'm so sorry for your loss and the terrible pain your are feeling. I lost my husband 3 moths and 3 days ago and I agree with you, our pain is so raw that when people ask "how r u doing?" we want to pour our heart out, but we hold back and just say something like Ok. We sometimes think that people can't handle the truth, and that is true for some, but most people who take the time to call you and ask how you are doing just don't know what other question to ask. I tell everybody who calls exactly how I feel and some don't call again and that's Ok. I have very few people who still keep in touch and allow me to say whatever I'm feeling. Most of the time they just listen, which is what helps me the most. This is a great forum to express your feelings and get feedback from people who know exactly what you are going through . May God give you the strength to heal your broken heart. HUGS! Connie
icezam19
My response is: "I am homesick."
deleted_user
I am so sorry for you loss. Hospice was there for the last 2 1/2 days of Jim's life and to say I was unsatisfied with their services is a gross understatement.....but that is another story for another time. I think most people are just trying to be polite when they ask how you are. Just like most people automatically say "Hello.....how are you?" Any trite answer will satisfy them and a lengthy, honest answer would go over their heads anyway.....one has to have actually grieved themselves before they can understand the process. I think it must be very hard for the person that is dying but the being left behind is also gut-wrenchingly painful. It does get easier, with time, but it is never over.
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