Nicola

Unfortunately in the earlier stages of loss of a loved one your feelings are very normal. I think there are many here that have felt like what you describe, and many have wanted to stop living even mention taking their lives. When they say this they are reaching for help, your post tells me you are reaching for some help.

I believe you need to get ahold of someone very close to you, a best friend, sister, close neighbor, pastor someone you can sit down face to face and say these things. AND seek help through a dr who could tell you what medications can help you through these horrible rough patches.

AND keep writing here, vent, get angry, cry, stomp, storm whatever its all normal healthy letting go...This journey is a roller coaster and heart breaking to deal with so know we care.

Find some books on grief - there are many that help you relate to what you are going through - just relating to some of them has helped me...

This life right now is tough, your grief is a tough thing to face -

PLEASE KNOW you are normal .....but you may need some help for awhile....

Nicola,

I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. I can relate to what you said. "All my life I only wanted to be loved"/ I am very much the same as you. My entire life I would do for others, but never knew what it really felt like to be loved. My first marriage there was none of that, and when I met Greg, for the first time in my life I had what I'd been dreaming about. Then it was gone as quickly as it came, and I was PISSED! How could that happen? WHY did that happen? I was a MESS. I really understand what you are feeling my friend.

I had many a dark time in the beginning, but it slowly went away. I didn't have to take meds, but did think of it many times. If you think it would help with the darkness than by all means DO IT! Talk to someone and that way you will know if this is what they call 'situational depression" which we all have to varying degrees. there is NO SHAME in doing what you have to to be able to be there for Thom. He needs his mommy to be OK, Right now his whole WORLD is you, and there is such pressure with that I know.

Anything you can do to be able to be more in the moment. I would say go for it! When you talk to a doctor, they may feel you just need to talk, or may feel you need something a bit more to get you through this dark patch. Either way do what you need to do to FEEL BETTER.

Love, and many hugs of UNDERSTANDING. you are ENTITLED TO FEEL SAD, and your special enough to get THROUGH this.

Let me know if i can help. Even if it's just to listen.

Diane

Nicola - I am coming up on 5 months since my husband passed...and I still have a hard time regaining my interest in things. None of us were born to be miserable, how we react to circumstances in life is what determines our misery.....and right now with such a great loss, you are reacting the way anyone of us has.....and having the same feelings of being miserably lonely. If things seem so very, very dark for you, by all means speak to your doctor to see if there is something that can help you through these hardest of times.

Thoughts and prayers are with you...

Nicola,
I don't have the answers for you, but I want to send you a huge (((((bear hug)))))! Some people do need medication to survive the loss. Only you and a trusted counselor and doctor can decide if you need medication or not. You are right in the hardest part at the worst time of the year. You are definately depressed. I do not know how depressed and if it is short term or long time. Depression is normal considering all that you have lost, but if it gets too bad and a person is really considering ending their life, then medication is an option.

I mostly wanted to tell you how sorry I am that you are hurting so...and to give you lots of virtual ((((((((((hugs)))))))))).
-Diana

My heart goes out to you...so sorry I cannot help other than to say I wish and pray for some comfort for you. Maybe medication would be helpful for you. Take care, as best you can and please keep updating us.
-MJ

I went to the doctor a week or two ago for an unrelated condition and while there, at the place Vern and I went so often, wonderful caring nurses and a doctor who's tended us for 35 years, and I broke down. I was surprised when he put me on a very light dose of fluoxetine (a generic for Prozac). I was a little leery, but I find it doesn't affect me in any way I can see, but I am calmer and can cope with things a lot better now.

Not saying that's what you should do...it's like was said, it's between you and your doctor as to whether it's appropriate. I thought I was doing pretty good until then. I still cry some, and I will always miss Vern like crazy, but I'm glad doc did what he did...for me it was a good thing. I'm supposed to stay on it until Spring unless I want to get off it sooner or if the dose needs changing. Everyone's different. Good luck with whatever you decide, (((((Nicola))))).Marilyn

Nicola37, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are feeling this way. Like others I can not give you any advise other than seek out help from your doctor for you. Everyone is different and it is whatever works for you......
I too have lost interest in lots of things that I used to enjoy. Some of them are just too painful right now as it was something that my husband and I did together. I hope I will get back to doing them as he would have wanted me to continue to do the things in life that made us happy.........
Come to DS lots as there is lots of caring people here that can try and help you through those dark patches. Sometimes it helps to know that you are not travelling this road alone and just to have someone to listen to you.
Wishing you better days ahead......hugs

Nicola, I know what it's like to feel as you are feeling. It got to a point where I said enough and I made an appointment with a psychiatrist. She is very caring and understanding and prescribed medication to help smooth out those horrible rough places of which there were far too many. I feel much better now. It doesn't take away everything because I still have times when I bawl my head off, however I don't have that hopeless feeling that I had before. It just might be something you want to discuss with your doctor. Love and hugs......

I just wanted to say how much I admire you for going through this horrible ordeal while caring for a child.

I wish you a healed heart.

Nicola, I understand too. My bereavement counselor says "you use whatever help you need". I asked her if it's true that drugs can delay the grieving process and she said absolutely not. My doctor has prescribed meds and I believe that they are helping me to survive. Survival is the most important part of this process. I still have some very dark days. Actually had a couple weeks this month when I wasn't sure I could go on. I did a lot of praying. Spent a lot of time on DS. Somedays it's all I can do to go to work and get through the day. Other days are not as bad. I still don't know what I'm suppose to do now with out Don. I haven't lost interest in prior activities because I didn't have any that didn't include him. Everyone teased us because we spent every moment together when we weren't working. He was my best friend, my love, my life. Anyway, I don't mean to ramble but that's what I do these days. I guess it's my therapy. I hope it can be yours too. Call your doctor and have a talk. Use all the support available to you. Sending you a prayer for peace and comfort and a big HUG. Vicki

Nicola,
I totally understand,I feel the same way alot of times,It will be 6 month's for me and my 2 kid's (15 and 23) on the 1st. I try to just survive each day and with the help of God I am doing better. Please talk to someone and go to see the doctor and see if he can give you a med that will help,and please keep coming here to share how you are feeling as we all care and are wishing you the best. God Bless Mary

I resisted taking anything for about a year and a half - don't know why. Then with the stresses of life - financial, kids, 2 jobs - one very stressful, I began to worry about my health and how this was affecting my blood pressure, etc. and went on medication. I can't believe the difference it made - not like I don't have problems now - but - I don't feel like I'm on any medication at all but it has made a very big difference. One day I ran out of the prescription and didn't have time to get to the store and didn't take the pills for several days - I was crying and yelling - didn't realize how much of a difference it made.

I know several people on meds - and they haven't lost anyone in their lives. My suggestion would be to try it and see if and how it makes a difference. I wish I had done it earlier. good luck.

Dear Nicola:
I know that very dark place you describe and I know it very well. During the first 4 months after Nick died I had planned very seriously to get the bills paid, get my Will drawn up and a Trust established for the 5 cats he & I had rescued. Once this was done I had a concrete plan to stop living. I wasn't a bit afraid and, like you said, I could see no reason at all to continue to live.
One day I was just at the point of no return. I had these thought right then: (1) If there is any form of life or existence after death and if I didn't like what I found because I had taken my life there would be NOTHING I could do to correct or change what I had done. (2) I watched my husband fight for life so valiantly and bravely. He wanted to live no matter how much he was suffering. If I voluntarily threw away the gift of life that he had fought so bravely to hold I would have dishonored him in the worst way possible. (3) If I met Nick again in an afterlife he would never never never forgive me for taking my own life.
Since that time I have found out that if a parent commits suicide the children of that parent are more likely to do so also. So, your child is depending on you. Please do not let your husband or your child down.
I am now on a low dose of anti-depressants closely monitored by my doctor. I also joined a grief support group and am seeing a professional grief counselor. I also read a lot in books to learn about loss and grieving and what to expect or not expect. Also, I have a couple of trusted friends that I talk with and cry with. All of this has truly helped. Things are not wonderful, but I can honestly tell you that they are a lot better than they were.
I do understand your despair, the pain and the endless grief. However, please do not give up. You are really needed here. Your child needs you. Even if you are crying you can still hold him close and tell him how much you love him, how important he is to you and that you are there for him even during horrible rough times.

Please please find someone to talk to. See your doctor for help and find a support group in your area. Let your friends know how much you hurt. Journal, vent here, learn about grief and seek whatever professional help you need. There is no shame in needing help. If you broke your leg you would seek professional help. Well, you leg isn't broken but your heart and soul are. Seek the help you need.

I am so sorry for your pain and loss. Please do not give up. This is one of the most hard and cruel things anyone will ever have to face. My doctor told me, "I promise you. You will not always feel this way. I promise you this." I believe him. I pass his promise to mo on to you with love and caring. Many hugs to you.
Darlene

Hi Nicola, I am so sorry for your loss. It is so difficult in the early stages and it is cliche to say oh it will get better, because at this time that is not what you want to hear. I can relate to you though it will be three years in March for me/us. It is tough. I almost thought it was no use to go on and had some awful thoughts of doing something. Then I thought what would that solve. I knew my mother and boys would be devastated and I knew they needed me and needed me to be strong. I have supportive friends. I have DS friends and I have a great support group that I had joined at the time to make sense of everything and became close friends to 6 of them who we see each other on a regular basis. It is great! I am liking life again. My friends are wonderful. Take your time. Grieve as long as you need. Look at your son in a light that he is a part of you and your beloved and that will give you strength to keep going. he would be devastated without you. Hang in there for him and soon you will want to hang in there for yourself. My best to you.

My advice would be to go to the MD as soon as you can! For some meds are a life saver. You have your little boy to think about, and he needs a mom who is There for him. I wish for you to find a little peace in your life, and take care of yourself. no-one else will do it for you.
God bless you G-