Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
A good friend of mine who was widowed about 8 years ago has been my "guide" through this journey. I recently sent her a message about completing my "year of firsts". Her response was so profound I decided to post it here.
"So your year of "firsts" is over. And indeed, those anniversaries do get a bit easier now. However, I'm afraid you still have a lot of "firsts" ahead. Some of them will make you sad, some will still feel like a kick in the gut, but some will be a lot easier and some will start bringing pleasure back into your life.
This week was the "first time" you made a major purchase of something you wanted that you know your love would have resisted. You know you did the right thing. Ahead will be your first big trip, (vacation - not work), without them. Perhaps they didn't like to fly, but you don't mind it and you may start to travel to places you've always dreamed about. You'll make some more big purchases without them too. You may have your first dates. You'll buy new cars, cameras, computers, and do remodeling of your home. At first it feels strange, and then it just becomes your life.
Each of these new "firsts" will be bittersweet for a while, and then some will happen and you won't even think about the fact that it is a "first." When you realize it, you'll be surprised. You'll love your travels, but you'll wonder how it would have been with your sweetie with you and you'll wish you could talk to them about the things you see. You'll read a book and want to discuss it. But you'll find other folks to talk with about work, books and movies and the things you see and think. You'll find other people with whom to travel, and, more and more, you'll do things they probably wouldn't have done. But they will be things that you enjoy. That's okay. It's a new and different life. It's not a life that you would have chosen, but you will start to choose to enjoy it anyway. You will choose to enjoy living because deep inside, despite your terrible sadness and grief, you have joy in life."
Be well. -Pete-
"So your year of "firsts" is over. And indeed, those anniversaries do get a bit easier now. However, I'm afraid you still have a lot of "firsts" ahead. Some of them will make you sad, some will still feel like a kick in the gut, but some will be a lot easier and some will start bringing pleasure back into your life.
This week was the "first time" you made a major purchase of something you wanted that you know your love would have resisted. You know you did the right thing. Ahead will be your first big trip, (vacation - not work), without them. Perhaps they didn't like to fly, but you don't mind it and you may start to travel to places you've always dreamed about. You'll make some more big purchases without them too. You may have your first dates. You'll buy new cars, cameras, computers, and do remodeling of your home. At first it feels strange, and then it just becomes your life.
Each of these new "firsts" will be bittersweet for a while, and then some will happen and you won't even think about the fact that it is a "first." When you realize it, you'll be surprised. You'll love your travels, but you'll wonder how it would have been with your sweetie with you and you'll wish you could talk to them about the things you see. You'll read a book and want to discuss it. But you'll find other folks to talk with about work, books and movies and the things you see and think. You'll find other people with whom to travel, and, more and more, you'll do things they probably wouldn't have done. But they will be things that you enjoy. That's okay. It's a new and different life. It's not a life that you would have chosen, but you will start to choose to enjoy it anyway. You will choose to enjoy living because deep inside, despite your terrible sadness and grief, you have joy in life."
Be well. -Pete-
Hugs...
Thank you for sharing your friend's counsel. She couldn't have said it more perfectly. Like it or not, struggling or gently submitting, we find our groove in the road to happiness. I think those who have lost a loved one, in time, discover healthy, balanced happiness albeit different from before our valley of sorrow.
Life is for the living. We can honor our spouses in so many wonderful ways, but to give up on any possible happiness would be grossly dishonoring to the love we shared. Blessings to you in your new-found happiness. Sue looks like a lovely lady. TJ
Something positive too.
Nessie from KY
That was beautifully written and so well expressed and thought through. Reflective and kind people like that are gems! It helps me to think about the future better. John
Wilma
Kathy
So positive and uplifting. Gives us HOPE!
((((hugs))))
Carla
Most of what I have read either spearks about the "Year of Firsts" in such a general way it was almost like reading the "possible side effects" on a bottle of asprin.
I especially was glad to see " some will make you sad, some will still feel like a kick...."
Our grief is wildly unpredictable: Why can I use the same office, living room and drive his car yet it is impossible to be in our bedroom, more than 2-3 minutes??
Thanks for posting your friend's email; personally, I need to find more pepple who will speak honestly about their grief. I have realized I need to advocate for myself and find support that fiits.
-K-