I know i havent been on here in a long time. Had to come to terms with that there was abuse in our marraige but i am working thru that and he did ask me to forgive him after his car accidnet that left him (my late husband) quadleplegic with severe brain injuries and many other injuries that after 19 months made him go septic. I took care of him for almost a year, he spent the first 7 months in the hospital. Once he was home he had asked me for forgiveness saying how could i take some loving care of him after how he treated me. I have come to terms with it now, i understand maybe he didnt know how else to be. Doesnt mean it was ok but i have learned to accept it and focus on the good times. This anniversary is very hard, cant believe its 5 years! I been helping my parnets decorate this year, i am at their house because i am very sick on teh verge of pneumonia and was in the ER all day yesterady struggling to breathe. Last year at this time i was in the psych hospital for 2 weeks with a nervous breakdown, major part of it was the loss of my husband and the 4 babies we lost to miscarraiges. It finally really hit me. This year i have been working with the DBT thearpy program since march and have come a long way. I still relaly miss him though. I am torn, i am happy that hes not suffering and is in Gods hands arms now, but i miss him so bad is that selfish to want him back? But i want him back without him suffering like he was! Every time i look at my dog (got her for him she was born 10 days after his car accidnet and was raised goign to the hopstial and riding around in his wheel chair) i think of him and how much i miss him! I am trying to move on teh best i can, everyone keeps telling me im only 33 i need to live my life but some days its very very hard! This is the first year i am into the holidays at least some though so thats a start! I am working with my pastor on top of my therapist and group therapy now again too. Why does it have to be so painful to love someone? I am so scared to love again. I know i am not ready to date and my family and thearpist agree. I am not in the right mindset for that yet.