Hello Brother,
13NOV2013 15:03
Mile marker 225 W. 64,
My wife died.
Your grief, if it is anything like my is completely devastating, I don't know how long the daily crying went on, I don't remember how long the bewilderment went on, I don't remember how long or how many hours I would stand on the porch and stair down the road looking for her to return. I don't even remember the amount of WordPress, Facebook, and who know's what media I blog on poured out my heart on.

Your grief, feel it.

I would suggest two things.

If you start fighting or drinking or using heavily get help immediately.
Find a healthy distraction, preferably something the two of you didn't do together and go do it. Make sure it is healthy, physically and mentally and spiritually if you are spiritually inclined.

Other than that, you will be physically ok, don't put a timeline on your grief, What I have learned is the loss of my wife has uncovered things that were broken before I met her so I have to deal with those things now also.

Be gentle and kind to yourself and don't set time limits, expectations or any such nonsense and as a fellow widower, I give you full permission to walk away from anyone who judges your grief or tries to limit it. In fact a few choice cuss words and a finger now and then work well if the words don't come to easy.

One day at a time!

I have had many terrible heartaches in my life, but the losing my husband is more devastating than anything. You need others who are in the same boat to connect with. Losing a baby and all you were looking forward to is also at the top of all grief scales. so you have a double dose of pain.
I am so sorry for your losses.
Start reading discussions here, to see others feel the same way.
This grief is not something that we can just plan how to solve. We go through it, and yet the loss remains.
Welcome,
Barb.

I am sorry for your losses - they are pretty severe, and they won't subside easily. My husband died of a heart attack, and I lost him in moments. I couldn't save him, although I tried like hell to do so and so did 8 paramedics. It took a lot of pieces to put my world back together. You'll read about different things people have tried here - some work and some not so much. I will make a few suggestions...

Get a different counselor or try a bereavement face-to-face group. If you aren't making any progress with the therapist you have, get a different one. Everyone is different and sometimes you just don't click with the first one you try. Not all counselors have expertise is grieving - some are more relationship based (i.e., marital problems, parent-child, etc.). You may just need someone with different training. It doesn't mean you're hopeless, it just means they weren't right for you.

I would start keeping a journal - you can do that electronically here at DS or a good old-fashioned paper one or both. I kept both for a long time. That helped. I also wrote Cliff letters and poems; that helped, too.

I read a few grief books, most didn't help - I couldn't relate - until I found "Seven Choices - Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World" by Elizabeth Harper Neeld. I have recommended that one over the years, and several other people found it helpful, too. Neeld is a professional writer and a widow. Her book was like a gentle guide, step-by-step helping me get through the mish-mash of emotions I was going through. It's very well written, and has resource recommendations in the back. It was hugely helpful for me. Try your public library - they may have it (along with other books that might help), or you can get it on Amazon. I think there is a Kindle version, too.

You can rebuild your life. It will be different, but it still can be good. If I had given up, I would have missed so very much. I am glad I didn't. I live in then UK now with my new husband who is a British widower (we met here in this group). My life looks totally different now, but I am happy. It didn't happen overnight - but one of the things I learned along the way was that not all surprises in life are BAD surprises. Happiness is as inevitable as sorrow. Don't give up. You can make it.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I don't mean to be simplistic, but it sounds like you haven't accepted the reality of what happened yet. Maybe it doesn't make sense to you and you're trying to settle on reasons why it happened. When does death ever "make sense" to any of us? It is never a welcomed guest. It was never in God's mind for us but entered in as a consequence of disobedience (sin). But now we have a saviour from it.
It's ok to still look for answers to the whys, but you have no control over them anymore (your girls), only over yourself. If you trust God, entrust them to him and your own existence now to him.
I recently "returned to the scene" of where I was when my husband died. I got shivers the first time and didn't stay long. It's good to cover all bases in our effort to accept reality. That is more productive and solacing than avoiding and running away. May God be near you as he is to all the brokenhearted.

I dont really believe in religion and im not sure I ever could. Maybe thats why I feel so hopeless that I believe they are just gone.
I went back to the scene to try and get answers and to try and calm my mind but it hasnt really helped in any real sense at all.

I know death happens im not so stupid as to not realise it happens, but the fact that it happened to my wife is something im not sure I will ever get over. Im beginning to see there is really no way anyone can help and its really all up to me. People repeat the same thing over and over and that doesnt help. I dont even know why I am in here other then I want to voice my frustration and pain. I know no one knows me on here and somehow thats less traumatising to tell someone who doesnt know you and never will know you.
I dont know all I know is I miss her as much now as I ever did and im still hurting as much as I ever did.

It has been 15 months for me and it feels the same. I do know in time it'll get easier as you learn to adjust to life without your family.
You will never be the same . I am slowly getting by some days more then others. I have a goal right now and it's helping me go through the days. There will be happiness again just never the same way as we have changed. I am finding though that the more I love the more I receive..I thibk I am seeing things I never saw before because my heart was closed..in time you will see what mean too. Hugs and prayers

KurtT, grief has very little to do with our logical thoughts. Even though you don't even know why you came to this forum, expressing your frustration, heartache, and ANYthing that you are going through is absolutely essential for your survival. Only people who are going through the same thing (or have, in the past) will "fit" with you right now.. I would like you to pause for a minute and soak in a big realization: You are doing the best thing possible for yourself. Human instinct brought you here, and you don't need to understand why, JUST KNOW THAT YOU HAVE TAKEN A GIANT HEALTHY STEP. Trust that as a fact. You have taken a step forward. You might feel like this is a big zero. but it is not. We are social beings to the core, and we need other people. Especially when there is no one we can relate to, and no one who can relate to us! Please stay. You will find that there Are people walking near you on earth. We feel the same as you. some are a bit ahead of us, and some are on our heels. This issue of proximity/closeness can change each day, or hour. It is the nature of the beast: Grief.
There are absolutely no requirements of you here. Just let the pain out.
I don't want to overload you today. So just soak that in for now.
Love,
Barb.

You will always miss your wife, you will always wonder about your sweet daughter. Those are just the facts. Even as time goes by, and you re-form your life anew, you are re-forming around a deep wound that will always have the capacity, whether often or just sometimes, to shoot out a new pain to remind you that it's still there, at your core, like a scar that you carry, only this one is on the inside, instead of on the outside. I think you have done well for someone just 6 months past a soul- shattering event. Even the bouncing around, going back home and returning here again, tells me that you are trying-- bouncing around to try to find a place where you can rest a little, and be a little more comfortable. Sounds normal to me. But, I think, somehow, we have to re-form our minds as well, and treat the whole world as a strange, new place--because, for us, that's EXACTLY what it is. Even the places that hold memories for us, or seem like they should be welcoming and familiar to us, they really aren't. Their whole subtance is changed, too. They are as just as foreign and unknown to us as if we stepped onto another planet when out loved ones died, because in some sense, we really did do just that. We are in territory that is unknown to us. I think it helps, at least me, to remember that.

KurtT, so sorry for your losses. I too am in this club that none of us want to be in. All here have heartfelt advice for you for certain and if you are anything like me...it's hard to take it all in...please re-read Geo70 and Aftermom. They have excellent points in my opinion and in addition to what those two said, I want to tell you what has helped me and I am hopeful it will help you too:
1)Really try to live minute by minute...don't look to the future EVER, I find that too painful. If you see a nice sunset or pretty cloud or what ever in nature be sure to enjoy it as much as you can with your painful heart.
2) If you can, watch a movie or tv show that will make you laugh, do it, somehow, laughing is good for you and your heartach.
3) I use a meditation app for my phone and I use it every night and sometimes in the early morning hours when I don't/can't sleep called "Insight Timer" it helps me and maybe it can help you as well. 4) Love the people in your life that are left here on the planet, there is more than your significant other in your life...ie your parents (if you still have them) your siblings (if you've got them) your friends...again if you're lucky enough to have them. I am trying to do this for myself...oh and I have two cats...thank god...they have been my saviour honestly...I love them and because I have to care for them, it has somehow helped.