Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Since my honey's death and all the sympathies I've received, I've been thinking about how very clueless people are when offering their condolences to the grieving. Many of you have touched upon this: some of the comments from friends and family about "moving on," "he/she is in a better place," and, my favorite, "man up." Throw me into that group, since I meant my comments sincerely, little realizing how hollow (and in the case of "man up", downright killer) such comments are. I've come to the conclusion that there simply are no words that can comfort people who have lost someone who is actually a part - and I mean an actual piece - of themselves. I've lost a mother, two fathers, and various other family and dear friends, as well as having three miscarriages, and nothing, nothing, NOTHING comes even close to losing my husband.
I guess, what I'm trying to say is that I have learned two lessons from this tragedy:
1. The only ones who can truly sympathize with me are those who have gone/are going through what I'm going through (and thank you all here for handling that); and
2. Choose my words wisely when offering sympathy to anyone about any kind of loss. If possible, listen rather than speak.
Thank you all for being here,
Terry
I guess, what I'm trying to say is that I have learned two lessons from this tragedy:
1. The only ones who can truly sympathize with me are those who have gone/are going through what I'm going through (and thank you all here for handling that); and
2. Choose my words wisely when offering sympathy to anyone about any kind of loss. If possible, listen rather than speak.
Thank you all for being here,
Terry
Peaceful hugs,
Nancy
A close friend of ours lost his spouse 10 months before I lost my husband. We thought we had some idea of what he was going through and let me tell you, we were NOT EVEN CLOSE to what a person experiences.
Most people mean well, just don't understand and when you are early in your grief you are very resentful and then you realize.....how are they to know???? Wishing you some peace and healing in the days ahead.......hugs
Please know I am deeply sorry for your loss. One can never be prepared for a loss at this. I understand. ((HUGS)))
I would like to now respond with some thoughts that came forth after reading your great posting. Obviously, I nor anyone can begin to understand in a personal manner, what one has not experienced personally. Which is true for all of us.
Only when we became aware is when we can apply what we have learned. It sounds like you are doing just that. Applying what you have learned. I do the same. AND I fully understand the sentiments of your posting.
It is true, there is NOTHING like losing our beloved spouse. My beloved wife surely was a gift from Creator, God, and given unto me to love and cherish in sickness and health and cleave to, protect her against anything or anyone and love her above all others. My ardent love for her is nothing like that for a family members or relative.
I believe the ONENESS that occurs between a man and woman, in marriage is a most beautiful bond of love that is incomparable to any other bond of love on this earth. The ONENESS which my beloved wife and I experienced is the foundation that will forever keep our bond of love alive for all of eternity. Naturally, you are going to feel deep and eternal love for your honey. I totally understand.
Regarding the man up comments I believe they were shared by myself. I have a Neanderthal man friend. He is quite proud of his Neanderthal manhood. He compares our manhood to each other often when we speak. Actually I find him comical. He is rather unaware and refuses to deal with this fact.
AND he is aghast that he cannot find any women to date him. So he has swore to NEVER date again. Funny...I just listen and chuckle every now and then. At times I respond. He tends not take a breath between speaking, which leaves NO room for interacting. He just TALKS, captive audience style.
I have not phoned him lately. It is counterproductive at this point. He tends do give unsolicited manhood advise, for which I do NOT need, and various other choice Grade A comments about being a real man.
AND he is so puzzled as to why he has socializing issues with women. I tell him to try being a gentleman for an evening, just an evening. I then say to him Gotta love ya, aye bud! He roars and laughs....
I truly believe the best of most folks who speak with me and try to help me. However there are those that just produce more heartache and it is wise to not associate with folks as this, I have discovered.
I am a peacemaker. I do not like to create conflict and discord. This world has plenty of problems without making additional ones to solved, I believe. I am not fearful of confrontation. I am quietly confident.
Since my beloved wife suddenly and unexpectedly passed on to HEAVEN, I decided to discontinue contact, at this time, with folks who I would not have thought twice speaking with when she was by my side.
My sisters are in this limited contact group now. They have bright ideas about me dating Widows. OH yes, they have the Move on and date dialogue" when we talk .
They argue " You are a handsome awesome, intelligent man, with lots to offer a Widow Your wife would want you to date. REALLY??? She would?? I see.... I shake my head in disbelief at them both. It is too comical. Bless their precious hearts. (grins)
Grief is demanding and produces weariness in the heart, mind, body and soul. I am focusing on Healing now. I must and can Heal. My beloved wife never failed to support me to be the man she fell in love with.
I intend to HONOR my beloved wife and be true to living as the loving, peacemaking, strong, confident, honest, humorous, caring man of Faith, which she fell in love with AND faithfully and loyally loved with her whole heart, mind soul and body.
Thank you for your posting. Moreover for your transparency. It generated yet more of my LONG- Winded thoughts and comments. (grins) I do enjoy thinking, the art of words and communication.
Thank you kindly, Terry
(((HUGS)))
Genuinely,
BEAR
How wonderfully laid out and something we all need to remember even though at times it is hard to.
WE WERE happily the cluless before this happened to us. WE learn empathy. TRUE empathy, for those that have had to bear the unbearable with true understanding.
I remember when my mom lost Dad, and the things I said to her....to help her? I'm surprised she did not DECK ME!
Thank God, the powers that be, or the stars alligning that we find this place when we need it the most to know we are not crazy....and we WILL MAKE it through this.
HUGS and much love to you, and to ALL here whon keep pulling everyone up and cheering on the good things.
Love you ALL Diane
I now know there are no words, and also that checking on them in a few months is much more valuable than being at the funeral.
I cannot even tell you who spoke to me or was at my husbands funeral.
It has been four years and on Fathers day my daughter was talking about things that happened that day that I had no memory of.
I know most people mean well, but just don't know that some words hurt more than saying nothing.
Sadly most of them will all find out what it is like someday. :(
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Terry