Hi Laura - like you I have spent many holiday seasons trying to create the "perfect" Hallmark type holiday setting. This typically left me exhausted and never enjoying the actual event, although others were enjoying the results of all I had created. One year my niece gave me a pin to wear that had a string of Christmas lights on it and read: "All Strung Out At Christmas!" That described me perfectly.

I've learned since Ross died to let things go. Yes, I still cook, clean, plan, wrap gifts, etc. But I keep it much simpler. And the kids and I have even opted for totally different experiences such as taking a trip or visiting family or friends we've never celebrated Thanksgiving or Christmas with. In other words, we mixed it up.

This year I'm in a new marriage and merging two families and I am forcing myself to keep it streamlined and simple. We're having a fairly large Thanksgiving gathering at our house (30+ people) but I'm not trying to do it all. I asked people to bring certain dishes so I'm not cooking everything. And for Christmas we're simply doing stockings (which means gift cards and small items). Relieves the stress of wrapping and shopping.

Happy Holidays! Tami

I love Thanksgiving - we have the opportunity to give thanks for all we have. It's always been my favorite holiday. What I learned from this website is that none of us lead a ''Hallmark'' life, even when our spouses were alive. I always thought I was the only one who didn't - really. It's in a weird way comforting to realize that people put on a facade, and are just as lonely, just as fat, just as, fill in the blank as me. Anyway, I'm going to look for the good as I sit around the table - and we go around and say what we are thankful for. I'm thankful for 39 years of marriage, and having someone that I love - some people never have love. I'm thankful for friends who invite us - now me, every year. My girlfriend is now a Grandmother for the first time - I'm the ''adopted'' aunt - what could be better than a new baby at the table??? I like a Maxine Thanksgiving - more realistic!!!

It's been a bit different here - of course we don't have thanksgiving but Christmas always set me on edge - something about the expectation, not so much mine, other people's that everthing is "perfect".

Possibly having bipolar issues that tend to surface at that time of the year, makes me think there should be a card "I'm dreaming of a shite Christmas"

Things are generally now easier though..

Hi Laura
no one has a perfect life. but yes, we had hallmark holidays. the holidays were my thing!! they allowed all my creative juices to flow.
i am forever thankful for the years of wonderful memories. i know they can not be duplicated or replaced. i do not know what i will do with the season ahead... i am going to have to think way outside of the box!!
i hope we are all here in the next couple of months to help each other through.
hugs
judi

A curiousfish, interesting that you mentioned the bipolar issues at Christmas. My husband was also bipolar, and always got upset around Christmas time. Is this coincidental, or do bipolar people tend to get upset around that time? I always thought it was his personal family experiences with the holidays that got him upset, and I always tried to assure him that Christmas could be whatever we as a couple decided it should be. Some years I think I succeeded...laurabp

Hi Laura,

Holidays are stressful in themselves because there is just so much to do to prepare and all the 'hype' that goes into them.

We usually had wonderful Thanksgivings & Christmases together. I am thankful for that... Bob and I almost always got along well... just occasional 'teen-age issues' would dampen the days!

Not looking forward to the next couple months, but know we will all get through them. Maybe we'll even be surprised how well they went. (Hopefully)!
Sometimes I think our expectations far surpass the realities of our lives. Do you agree?

Hugs, Linda

Thanksgiving was one of Cliff's favorites, perhaps because it had to do with gratitude rather than materialism. He made a big production out of doing the turkey - he learned the secret to a really juicy turkey is to do it upside down - he made the best turkeys - while I did all the side dishes, desserts, etc. We'd get out our wedding crystal, and good linens, etc., even if it was just us and the two kids. In the early days of our marriage, we would have dinner for all the "homeless orphan waifs" - i.e., all of our friends in California whose families were elsewhere. It wasn't unusual to have 14 people at dinner for it. Did it look like the Norman Rockwell version of Thanksgiving? No, we were never that mainstream - more like the Mad Tea Party than Norman Rockwell...

Cliff died two weeks before Thanksgiving in 2007. That first one is a vague memory as we were all still in shock. Friends took care of us and made us dinner at their place. In 2008, we tried to do it like we used to only without Cliff there. Didn't work - it was awful. In 2009, my sons and I decided that inasmuch as it was just going to be the 3 of us - no family or friends joining us - that we would do what we really enjoyed - so we made home-made pizza together which my sons love, relaxed, and watched a movie - just enjoyed being together. The food and the company were great! This will be my first year away from my kids for the day, so it may be a blessing that it's not celebrated here in England.

Cliff wasn't a Christian, so the Christmas holiday has been a mixed bag for years. I celebrated everywhere but at home. We used to decorate the outside of the house to cheer the neighbors, but nothing inside the house. I didn't grow up with the Hallmark Christmas either - we were a big, poor family - so it was different but I do have good memories of Christmas and of New Year's growing up.

This year I guess it's a whole new ballgame. I guess we can invent whatever new traditions we want! That's actually pretty liberating...

My advice: TURN OFF THE TV. Make Thanksgiving and Christmas meaningful for you - don't give in to what is basically peer pressure to buy junk, get stressed out, and forget what these holidays are really about. Love, compassion, generosity, gratitude - however that is best expressed for you is what you should go with.

My two cents/twopence worth.....

Love and Hugs, Martha

I'm with Tami on being too exhausted to enjoy Thanksgiving. We would have 25 or 30 family and extended family for Thanksgiving. Everyone would visit and munch on appetizers and I would be mashing potato's and whipping up gravy. I do have everyone bring dishes but they still need to be warmed or arranged and I use paper plates but no matter how many are there to help, the responsibility is mine. Last year we had a small family gathering this year we will be a bigger group. I liked Christmas much better. We would have Christmas Eve and I would have a buffet table with ham, tamales and lasagna and other serve yourself and eat when you want to foods. By 10PM everyone would be here for a gift exchange and by midnight everyone would be gone. Christmas day was ours to enjoy each other and left overs. Hallmark holidays are just like the pictures of movie stars on the cover of a magazine...all photo shopped and decieving.

Laura,

I'm not sure that my 'picture perfect' holidays match what has been portrayed on TV; however, they are 'memory makers' to me.

In our early years with our daughters still at home in the nest, Thanksgiving was all about having family over, eating, and relaxing around the fire.

Christmas morning was always spent at home. In the afternoon, we traveled to the home of whoever didn't have the Christmas meal the year before. Those visits were sprinkled with tons of laughter, some gifts from grandparents, and plenty of comfort food. They would last way into the evening. Good memories of family, storytelling, good-natured goading, and, of course, nibbling at the leftovers.

The memory that is closest to my heart, though, and a tradition that is still practiced is reading scripture from the Bible on Christmas morning. My husband would do the honors before our children were of reading age; however, once they could read, no matter how haltingly, they were allowed to pass Dad's Bible around and read a few scriptures each. Now that they are parents, I see them continuing this honored tradition. When they come to our house for Christmas, not a gift is opened until the grandchildren read the Christmas story from the Bible. I watch as they pass Grandpa's Bible to one another so each may have a turn reading. To me, nothing can top that experience at Christmas.

After my husband died, I decided to tweak that time-honored tradition a bit. I asked our grandchildren not to buy me any giftsI had something different in mind. I told them that if they wanted to give me something for Christmas I would appreciate more than anything that they pick out a scripture, quote it without the Bible in front of them, and then tell me what it means to them personally. WOW, that started something 5 years ago that has grown into such a blessing.

From that humble beginning, each year my gift is something they can memorize and then quote, sharing with the family what that particular scripture has taught them. It may sound like a strange Christmas offering, but to this grandma it makes my heart sing. There is not a gift that could be given that would mean as much as seeing our grandchildren edifying God's Word. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

Blessings to you. I suppose that the 'picture perfect' Hallmark moment is different in the eyes of each individual. TJ

@Lininsocal - your comments made me remember the first big Thanksgiving dinner I did with Cliff, as a new and nervous bride. Big crowd coming for dinner, and me all stressed out in the kitchen, literally mashing potatoes with one hand while stirring gravy with the other at the same time. Good grief! I got better at all that over the years, and I learned not to get so stressed, but it was funny! LOL!

Lininsocal & cliffskat,

You have my admiration. It took me years to figure out how to successfully make gravy. Those first years of 'experiments' were laughable and NOT WORTH STIRRING. On a couple of occasions, they hit the trashcan and never made it to the table. TJ

We've had both. The typical "Hallmarks" and those very far from it. Greg loved being home on our farm so for him to really enjoy the holidays we stayed here. Fine by me and so I cooked the holiday meals whether for two or 10 or 20. This year for Thanksgiving my Mom has invited me to join them for an early dinner. She ALWAYS gets very stressed about it. My Dad has had some major health issues over the past year or so. My Grandmother will be there who has Alzhiemer's. Bring in Aunt Sharon who has suffered a stroke years back and has become difficult to understand what she says. Next at the table will be my brother who has "gender" issues and for reasons only he can know, believes this should be our main concern. Last, but not least.... will be ME! My first major holiday without my husband. I had to laugh when I read "Hallmark". It will most likely NOT be "Hallmark" but I do see a "Kodak" moment happening. Hugs, Joni

Joni,
Your post made me smile!! Sounds like it will be a very interesting day! Please keep us posted as to how the day goes.

I hope it will be great and you will all enjoy each other's company and lift each other up!

Enjoy! Linda

Whenever I get into situations like that I try to remember "There might be a movie script in this...." What else can you do??

TJ,

I LOVE your idea of having the grandkids memorize a Bible verse and share what it means to them. May I copy you?? I think I may present that idea this year.

One of my biggest prayers and Bob's also, was to ask God to bring all of our children, grandchildren and on and on, to a saving faith in Jesus Christ! i am so thankful that our daughters are walking with the Lord! I love this suggestion your family has used and I hope I can implement it also.

Thanks so much!!
You all are talking about gravy: :-) Bob always made that, so I don't know how!! But, my daughter married a professional chef.... and he will do most of the cooking... I am blessed! But, I really should learn, huh? Any tips??

Linda