I can relate as my husband could have been the one you were describing in your post ...He was 52 when he passed and I had just turned 48. My children at the time were 19 and 21 and a few months later my daughter moved back in from finishing her school year and then went to school nearby as originally planned. She has been a rock and so wonderful to me but now I find myself at a crossroad once again and struggling with life choices. Over the last 3.5 years I have maintained the mortgage on the house I live in and gone to school to become an EA. It has been go, go, go and now I hit a brick wall with only one college class to finish, I realize that I am tired and that when my daughter moves out to continue her graduate schooling I won't be able to live here alone. It's not in me to live alone in this house as I get scared and I hate yard work. To pay someone to do it eats in my small budget and I would still be alone and scared which leads to depression .

The solution is to sell my house and move into an apartment where at least there would be others around. Family and friends say buy another house or condo but I would still be alone and by the time I would pay for everything and up keep I am no better off.
The budget I have for rent is not encouraging. I went looking around yesterday and what I consider an healthy rent budget would get me in holder apartment buildings. The one place I saw yesterday had a rodent hole in the bottom of the closet !!! I have an extreme phobia of rodents so that's a no go.
People around me except for my kids and one sibling cannot comprehend how I feel and judging freely my possible options.

All that to say that currently , I feel like I am just as emotionally in pain as I was in the beginning...

Hello Renie, Thank you for sharing. I feel the very same about my wife. We were married almost 35 years and all we wanted was to grow old together and share our lives. I never thought that I would cry every day, but that is what I do (at home, work, in the car, wherever). I teared up at church this morning. Right now that is who I am. Those that understand, understand and those that do not don’t and may not ever understand. I also never realized the pain that other people were going through. I think that we cannot realize the degree of pain unless we have started this journey. I now think that I am more aware of people hurting all around me and there are a lot of people that are hurting for many different reasons.
I pray for happiness in the future, but I am not sure how to reach it at this time. I don’t think that I am ready for it yet (sigh), I wish that I were, but I am not ready for it.
Blessings, Peace, Hope, and Healing for all of us today and for all that are hurting today… Mark

Thank you handg and Markie for sharing your experiences. I just do not understand how such wonderful people can be taken. I know that life is a gift and I now have such a deeper appreciation for my friends and family. I just never thought my hubby would be snatched away in such a cruel manner- taking him away from what he loved so much- his wife, kids, grandchildren and his life. I work very hard every day to not be angry and to fight off this tremendous sadness that I feel. Thank you both again and I pray that god help us heal.

My husband died at 60. We had just retired and beginning to enjoy our retirement plans. It is profoundly sad and terrifying to be left so alone. Our children were adults and living independent with families of their own, but truly were my rock for many years. I am so very sorry for your loss and understand the importance of having the people here who understand. Sharon

I am not thinking of my husband every second i have noticed lately..am trying to think of everything else .It's going to be alright it just hurts so much..((Hugs)))

Sending you lots of hugs and prayers. My husband took his own life at 50 in our home. My boys and I walked in to find him. I want you to know that you aren't alone and we are here for you. My husband had borderline personality and was delusional and telling people lies about me. When you wrote that your husband was your number 1 fan and all the good memories, I had tears in my eyes because those are beautiful things you can hold onto. Nothing is going to make the pain go away. Time doesn't really heal. It's been almost 10 months and night time is the worst. Memories will always be there. I block out all of the bad times and the erratic behavior that my husband suffered because I know he was mentally ill and was sick. You have those good memories that you can hold onto. I know that can be hard as well. We are here for you. Don't feel like you're in this alone and reach out to us. I have an online support group and my therapist helps put things into perspective. Lots of love, hugs, peace, and prayers. Tee

We are in the same boat. Not fun. I am praying for us both. Take care :-) Jeanne

I am sorry to hear about your loss TeeKay. I am glad you have an online support group, this helps. I spent the holidays with my children. My children are grown and I encouraged them to spend time with their significant others' parents. I spent Christmas Eve alone- I was on call since I am a nurse and was not called in. I was sad but I had a chance to think about the years I had with my husband and also yes cry.... I try not to cry in front on my children or grandchildren because they get so sad and my daughter worries about me. I hate to say this but I am so bitter. I am so angry that my husband was taken from us. He was so generous so I gave away some of his winter clothes, my husband was not a wasteful person and I know that he is happy that I gave some of his clothes away. The individuals that I gave the clothes to were so grateful. I am taking small steps in trying to cope with his loss. Thank you Teekay and Britta for responding, I am sorry for your losses and pray for all of us.

I'm so sorry for you loss. You story could be mine. We were married 29 years too and he was only 56. We have two kids in college and was looking forward to retirement and growing old together. I'm still in shock and it's been over two months. I just don't understand how someone can go to bed on an ordinary night and wake up gasping for air (I did CPR on him) and then die in the hospital. He was my rock and the love of my life and would do anything for me and our children. Now he's gone and I'm left to pick up the pieces. I cried most of the day yesterday and slept with my daughter the last two nights as I did not want to be alone on Christmas Eve or Christmas day. I'll pray for you to find peace and joy. It helps me to pray for others and focus on gratitude for all the wonderful family and friends I have.

Hi Unique, my husband died of sarcoidosis. I had an autopsy done since he was so young and so healthy. It is a rare disease and I was told that he more than likely died from heart failure. I went to the movies by myself on Dec 23, I saw the movie Collateral Beauty. Very odd, but the character that Will Smith is me in the first few months following his death. I would tell people, this is a rare disease and he died of.... just like a robot.I finally realized it was just me on autopilot trying to deal with his death- avoiding people and if anyone asked me how I was doing- I was fine and just wanted to be left alone. One year anniversary is coming and I am being proactive by taking the day off and will attempt to celebrate our life together. This guy pushed me so much- he pushed me to get my education and was always so proud of me. I am so grateful to him, I do have a career and can take care of myself. He took care of me while he was alive and now that he is gone- he still took care of everything in my life. I am glad to hear that you have your daughter- I owe so much to my girl- I know that it is hard on her but she will come by everyday and also call me - call me so much sometimes I am annoyed. She bought a house about two blocks from me about three years ago and now I know why, she is there for me. I also focus on gratitude and this helps me. Thank you again for responding and I will pray for you and everyone on this site that has lost someone because no one and I mean no one know what it is like until you lose that special person in your life. Please take care and again, I like this site because I feel that I can relate to others and this helps me understand that I am normal and not losing my mind.