Ex wives always amaze me with their gall. What a bitch. That is the last place she should have showed up. What if you wanted to be with him when you died? I'd go back to where his ashes are and scoop em up and spread them in your special place, if that's possible. I'm sure that having her there would have been the last thing he would have wanted.

You should do what is right for you. It's not creepy to want some place to go to be as close to him as you can possibly be, that's why most folks go to cemeteries. You don't have that "spot".

I am going to make a place on my land for a memory spot. Look around - there are statutes all over the country of famous people, benches, plagues, all kinds of things are around so that someone can be remembered. It's not creepy. Make a place that you are comfortable going to and spread his ashes, maybe plant a tree or flowers. Why not?
Hugs,
Kathy

At least I don't have to deal with the ex, she died several years ago, but I decided to keep a small portion of his ashes just for me. They are in a special box and if I want to spread part of them in special places, I will do so. I have not mentioned this to any of the children and I will not. Some things are just for us. There will be a special memorial service for him in May with military honors and that will be for the family(and I will honor him that way, too) but I really wanted to have something to keep of him forever.

How sad this that she could interfere with your spreading your husband ashes. She is a very sad lonely person.

Now having said that I would have decked her for being there. You are a much better person than I am.

I think it is a great idea to have your special spot for just you and him.

She may be sick enough to think she can visit the spot whenever she wants

This way if you have your private spot this will not bother you. When you do not make a fuss she will always wonder why. When she finds she is not getting your goat maybe she will go away.

Hugs, Holly

I would put the remainder wherever you wish, and NOT share that info with those other people. I am sure you and your spouse had intimate parts of your life, they had no business being a part of. This should be just one more. Take care of YOU and to hell with them.

It is not petty....you are not wrong.....you are striving for some peace........do what's on your heart....I have a few x stories too....lolol......guess it goes with the territory....
L

In my opinion, you should do what brings you comfort and the heck with "them". Having your own special place sounds like a wonderful idea where you can visit and find peace. I agree, I would not tell "them". You are in my thoughts for peace and comfort. Take care, Sandra

I don't go to the cemetery where my husband's ashes are i a beautiful niche by a waterfall. I went there several times in the first year but haven't been in a while. I have 2/16 Th of his ashes in a bronze box on a shelf by his picture. We were supposed to go to Catalina and spread them but I find comfort in having them with me for now.
Don't let the ex being there where you spread his ashes interfere in how you view the place. It obviously was meaningful for you and your husband. Consider her being there a respectful act and to support her kids. My husband loved this house and the backyard and I would think to spread the ashes here but if I move I can't take the backyard with me..I can however take the bronze box....

I went back to a family situation when my grandfather apssed away.

My uncle was divorced and remarried to his second wife. He had children with both of them. Yes, the first wife was ape poo crazy..

She came to the funeral and my uncle's saecond wife went through the roof! It was actually a scene in the family room where there was food and you could rest.

And it was my grandmother who in her grieveing looked at my uncle and his second wife and told them to stop it! That she was showing whatever respect she and that she had children who were grieving and perhaps those children needed their mother with them during this time. And that her own son (my uncle....who admittedly was not close to the children from his first wife and was years behind on child support) needed to shut up and allow his children to have her there. His second wife stewed a bit...but got over it when they relised it was NOT about them...it was about the children.

So, perhaps it was not about you or disrepect to their father. But, perhaps they honeslty wanted their mother there to support them. I know you and they have had problems...and even if you don;t think they are hurting..they may well be and their mother is a source of support for them. And she came for her sons and whatever respect she does have.

My own mohter went to my fathers funeral. They had been divorced for over 26 years and had their share of spats over child support. But, in their later years they were able to talk and attend events that related to us children. No one treated her with disrespect or questioned why she was there...they were all very nice and told her they were glad she had come in for the funeral.
He is actually buried two plots over from my mother and stepfathers plot. There is room between them for any of us who want to be buried there.

And i can speak from experience that I needed my mother there for support and I was a grown woman.

PS: Frank is buried in Germany. I made the decision to take him home to his family and allow him to rest in the church cemetary there.

I plan on visiting at least every other year.

And when I die I want to be creamated and have half my ashes buried in the family cemetary i spoke of above...and the other half to be interred along with Frank in Germany.

I have no place to visit here in the US......he is in my heart.

How sorry I am that you had this dreadful incident at a most painful time in your life. The ex gets the BITCH award, as far as I am concerned. In your statement, you said you had a place that was OUR PLACE. You also said it brought you peace. That makes a good case for putting his ashes where YOU find peace, and yes, you can keep this secret from anyone else if you like. This is your decision to make and no one else's. I wish you peace in resolving this in your heart.
Kathleen

when my husband passed on, all the family thankfully was around to say their goodbyes to him. I was fortunate enough to make that happen for all involved. My husband's ex was there, along with her now boyfriend. It was in the beginning, unnerving for me, as I knew she and my husband barely spoke. I also knew the background on their life before he met me. His children though, I felt did need their mom there, and would have been selfish to tell her not to be there. The way I look at it, my husband I have to believe knew how much I loved him. That I loved him MORE than I wnted any sort of control over the situation, and didn't want his children to feel that starin and watch their dad that they loved so much pass and deal with that also. I think the idea to keep a special place just for the two of you is a great one. I also think it should be PRIVATE just for the two of you. My husband's urn is here with me, and I am getting all kinds of "input" from well meaning family members, but I will take my time, try to accomidate as much as possible, but my first priority is to him, what he wanted, and what WE wanted for each other. Family loves their departed family mamber and always have to be respected, to a point,....but in the end, the soulmate of that person, knows them best, and needs to be able to do what they want and not worry what others will think, or have to say. I am going to keep a bit of my sweetheart for myself, and not tell anyone. No one is hurt, and he and I will know we have each other whatever happens ion the future. Guess it can be done where everyone has peace?

One Son was disowned by his mother sev. yrs ago cuz the other son on drugs was not being helped by the good son. The Ex has some serious issues, she was standing away from both sons there, she actually was disrot saying "How sorry she was for cheating on him" over and over at the ash spreading. It was weird to say the least. Her husband was just staring at her....

Now she wants me to give her things she thinks I might have of his: I did not know of the things she thinks he still had? like I said they were separated over 18+ yrs ago & I just had to tell her I was not a part of her divorce do not involve me now. It was her responsiblility to get the stuff than if she did not it was not mine. That was done that day to me...

Thats why with how horrible the sons have been treating me I just do not feel comfortable there now. Their attitudes towards me & their mother behavior degraded the area to me & I honestly believe for Roger too, he would not have wanted what happen to happen - every one there was disgusted by their behavior. If I had been stronger than I think I should have spread a few ashes and brought the rest back but I just was not thinking at that time.

So I feel good about making what little ashes I have put in a special place for just us, & let them have the other place so it won't represent what ugliness went on than. I had been somewhat upset about what happened but had been just trying to forget it until it was brought up to me why not use what ashes you brought home your private shrine for him. So I just started mulling that over now that spring is starting to come. I feel so at peace w/it altho' 2nd guessing me if I was being petty.
So thank You

Hi Nick, My husband's ashes are buried in a place he chose...a week before he died. I will be there with him and my name is already added to the stone. I often wonder if "she" comes...there is a bench beside it...but if she does...I always envision them talking about what utter fools they were. My daughter, at the time of the funeral, was hurting so much, and knew how crushed I was, that she called my dear cousin(who was a friend to "her") and said to make sure she did not show up. Guess what? It upset my cousin...the old gang from high school actually thought she belonged there...one person, whom I thought was a friend, said, Well, you know they loved each other for a long time......

Gave some of Bill's ashes to Lennon and Jill (Bill's ex wife) and the family (Her, Her Sister and their Mother and Lennon) had a small memorial in Boston. They were married and family for 8 years. It does not diminish what he and I had at all to remember that there are others who are also experiencing a "loss". No matter what happened in their life/marriage together.

Life is too short to carry around boxes and boxes of grievances and anger...the only person it wears down is you.

love,
Carla