Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Nicker07 03/11/2011

Due to the horrible situation with my departed husbands kids - even tho' finally settled - when spreading his ashes forever to get them to do so - THEY brought their mother - she ran off with another man on him in 1993, divorced in 1995 (I was not in picture til end of 1995).
It upset me but I spread them anyway - its bugged me ever since, I honestly feel the place is now disgraced or something like that. It does not feel peaceful to me now.
I do not feel good about going there now. I wished I had taken some ashes for myself and spread them in just a place for us but at the time I could not think. SHE hurt him bad at that time, & has never been a part of his life since then....Has caused some hard feelings during our marriage of dumb stuff she did (not that it bothers me its was petty long gone) BUT to have her come there.....

When taking the URN with his ashes back & starting to clean it up there was some left - ~2 tablespoons at the time I just said "OH great now what do I do" WELL I added them to my old dogs ashes thinking when i spread hers I will with some of him.

SO heres what I AM thinking: I can spread these in OUR place, and I can go there and honor him, and not go where the rest are. It just seems like it will be peaceful for me. (MAYBE someday I will feel better about it & go back BUT FOR NOW I DON't)

Am I petty? Am I wrong thinking this? I know I need to let go but I just can not right now. Even tho' its only a little part of his remains I thought its enough to make a peaceful place for me to be with him, and honor him. I need some honest opinions if this is too far out or creepy?

cliffskat 03/12/2011

There's nothing wrong with you making another special place to find comfort in your memories.

I think the ex may have been brought by her sons for two reasons (1) because they needed some kind of support, and (2) so she could finally try to make some sort of amends. I'm not saying it was right - far from it - but I could kind of understand the motivations for what they did.

I have never felt that where Cliff is buried is where he is. He spirit is with me and I rarely go to the cemetery. My kids find no solace at the grave. They prefer to remember his life.

You should do whatever makes you feel all right with it. If it's to make a separate place, then do that. If you would feel better if you had a blessing said at the original site, maybe that would help. Just a thought.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

deleted_user 03/12/2011

Do whatever brings you peace and solace. I have my husband's ashes on his dresser in our bedroom, surrounded by pictures of us throughout the years. I'm sure many people in my family think this is weird - but I have no intention of spreading them or burying them. When it is my time our ashes will be combined and will then be spread together. That's the way I want it. And what I want matters!

deleted_user 03/12/2011

I think Martha is right. If it gives you comfort to have a special place to spread the remainer of his ashes...a "just your" place...then it is probably a good idea.

love,
Carla

Wmsbaby 03/12/2011

I was told by a widowed friend to make a special spot for just us. Her husband is in a different state from where she lives now so she needed to have a spot for her. She says she goes and sits or whate er. Said it brought her peace. I have been thinking of doing our own special place as well.
On another note my husband's ex and her family (mother and brother)came to the wake and funeral. They were married 8 years and had two children together. I just thought that after all they had been through that family still thought enough of him that they braved the waters to come. (she is estranged from one of the children.) His philosophy on being divorced and remarried was that
being with our exs in the past actually made us the people
we are now. Just my two cents for what its worth.

Caroline04 03/12/2011

My husband's first wife attended the memorial service and the luncheon. We are not friends but get along OK. She called me first to ask if I would mind if she attended. She would be attending along with his youngest son who even though was an adult, had physical problems. Everyone toIld her she should not go but I told her I had no problem with it. I believe she was even included with some pictures at the memorial service. The reason being, good bad or indifferent, they had two kids together and many of the pictures included her. Now, I don't know hold old your stepchildren are but if adults, they should have phoned you first and asked permission. If they are young children, then the first wife should have phoned you and asked. You probably wouldn't be feeling the way you are had it been done correctly. Do with the remaining ashes what you chose, let that be your decision!

deleted_user 03/12/2011

I have Sherm's ashes here in the bedroom with me until my ashes are added. I got close family members who mattered...the ones who were there for him in life...pieces of jewelry with ashes in them. The heck with the others. Family that never called or sent cards or anything were the first to worry about funeral arrangements and the first to argue when I said no funeral as he wished. I just did what felt right to me and as others have said, I think you need to do that as well. Hugs, Kathy

Truhal 03/12/2011

Similar situation here. My husband's ex-wife took off, leaving him to raise his daughter on his own. He was very bitter about her for years, affecting our marriage. Still, when my husband passed, I invited his ex-wife to the funeral. She would have been welcome to sit with me and my step-daughter in the same pew.

The reason I offered the invite is because my husband was not there. His daughter was. Here was a girl who'd lost her father at a very early age. I would have been willing to do most anything to offer her a small amount of comfort. If it meant sitting next to the devil himself, I'd been willing to do it.

At any rate, the mother declined and the funeral went on as planned.

I can't speak for every case. My step-daughter and I are close. I never had biological children, but I think of her as my own. I want the best for her just like if I'd birthed her myself. Now, if she and I weren't close, I'd probably feel different. Still, her mother would have been invited.

Nicker07 03/13/2011

Roger w/have nver invited her, she caused a lot of chaos with one of the sons for many yrs, they still have a strained relationship, he loathed the man she ran off with - as he has tried to attack Roger physically early on,
We basically were civil at grandkid functions but she rarely went to the one sons things.
She was not there to soothe her sons, she was there because she has mental health issues & was the most disrort over what she had done 18 yrs ago.
With the mean spirit the sons had immediately shown towards me, I in honestly can not see ever seeing them again ever.
I did his wishes (they never knew what they were) but in all honesty the spot he picked for his ashes is tainted now because of their distain over everything. After discussing here & with my family & friends (they brought the idea up to me) I will take my ashes & put them on my place on the hillside, plant some trees (protect it with fencing from elk/deer) & stay away from there until yrs go by.

Caroline04 03/13/2011

It sounds like the two of them had some unresolved issues and you and the kids were placed in the middle. While we have no control over the past, we do have some control over the future. One thing is for sure--you no longer have to have contact with any of them. I don't know how old the kids are but maybe there will come a day when the kiids reach a higher level of maturity and contact you.

Both my husband and I were divoriced when we married. We both had difficulty with our former spouses mainly because of kid issues but you know there comes a time you just have to let go of these feelings because it is over. Realize that if the x-mrs has done anything to badmouth you or to manipulate the kids, that may come back to bite her in the a---. She can now spread her craziness elsewhere. Focus upon recreating some peace in your life, you deserve it!

julie50501 03/13/2011

You get to choose where to put those last ashes, and I think your idea is perfect! The X-wife sounds like a nut case, plus she sounds like one of those who always has to make sure it is all about her! What she did was terrible, and if that has ruined the other resting place for you, finding one that only you know about will bring you some peace, I hope. Know also that while you acted appropriately, the X looked like a fool even in front of her own family, and let that bring you comfort. Nothing will ever take away of what you and he had together.

In my case, Gene talked about his X early in our marriage, but later they made their peace, and I also was friendly with her. I made sure his sons had a major part in the funeral and burial planning. When they objected to cremation, I honored that even though Gene had said he was O.K. with it and I would have preferreed it. His X did attend the funeral, I don't recall where she sat.

deleted_user 03/13/2011

Feeling like it entirely up to you what to do with those ashes that you have left. Great idea to add the ashes to that of your old, loyal dog and find a special place to scatter them. A place where you feel safe and loved when you visit.
To Hell with the Ex, she was the Ex for a reason and it has nothing to do with you and your life with your husband.
Find Peace and do what is best for you and your emotions.
Cindy xxoo

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