Hi
My name is Laurie and yes i think we all go through the loneliness after the initial week or two of everyone being around. After that it seems they all scatter and think we need to be alone or they think they are intruding or they just don't care anymore, I'm really not sure why this happens but all you need to do is tell them, i did. It helped get me company and it helped get me out of the house. I wish you peace
Laurie

Hi Garry -

I have experienced situations similar to those you describe. They were there in the " beginning " for a few days but then became scarce just as the initial shock began to disappear and reality began to surface. I had the feeling someone slugged me or something when the full force of reality began to hit.

Everyone said to let them know if I needed anything or just wanted to talk. Those invitations didn't remain open long as I didn't want to talk about politics or football or anything but the fact she was gone and I had the feeling I was drowning. They didn't want to hear about her any longer and some were surprised that I was not
" getting over it ". I became angry but kept it to myself. In hindsight, it was a wise decision.

I had a discussion with a man that had lostt his wife 16 years ago and was still grieving for her. He reminded me of two things. One is the simple fact most people just don't know what so say. However,
more importantly, it is completely impossible for ANYONE to even remotely understand unless that person has been through it.

There are about 6 billion people on this planet. I am the ONLY person that knew my wife the way I knew her. Absolutely no one in her family or neighbors or friends knew her the way I knew her. They " knew " her as a person in one capacity or another but they did not " know " her as a wife, friend, lover, confidant and all of the other aspects of a beautiful relationship. They did not love her as I did and still do. They did not experience all of the silly little things she and I did together or observe the tender moments she showed to me many, many times. All of these people are incapable of feeling the grief I feel or understanding the grief I am going through.

I am no longer angry at any of them. I have decided it is impossible to explain it to them. But I look at those ( family and friends ) in good relationships and it slightly adds to my sadness. If they knew what I know about grief in losing a spouse, it would scare them to death. I just leave it alone as I keep trying to find ways to deal with this unexpected horrific journey.

Darrell


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yes, gary , at first I seemed to have to invite myself to my inlaws, then let's say I havent seen my brother in law since june, and havent seen my sister in law since september. Still have their christmas presents and to no avail, no invites, or even mention of meeting somewhere at the half way point. Sad, but true, to hard to face, and to hard to connect, no understanding, nor wanting to be reminded that she or he might just by chance lose the other. Just discover new friends, embrace the chances given for friendship, and what will be will be with the rest.... I'm not stressing over it too much, it's on them, not me. I did my part. much love, and hugs carla

Same here Carla,,,25+ years with their brother and I still have their Christmas Gifts. They keep saying they have to come over and see me one of these days,,Yeah,,,I have found at nine months to move on and make new friends and thank god for my family. My husband would be so disappointed.

yeah,I called them on thanksgiving, and all I got was a text all about what her and her husband and gdson, were doing, then at the end, hope your all well.. end of text.. not so much of a call, nor happy new year.... so I think Ill just mail them their gifts. .and let them figure out the rest.. tired of catering to everyone else, when Im the one who lost a husband.. Topper, is after my husband died, shes all like, oh oh, I know how you feel, so Im like, did you lose a husband, and she says.. no I lost my husband to divorce.. oh my gosh .. really... but my brother in law, lost his wife, and did get me more than she does, but for whatever reason, she doesnt allow me to talk to him much.. oh well, their loss.. Tired of wasting my energy on people, who dont even want to understand.. thanks carrie for the support. Sometimes, I do feel alone in this grief... and in how people, approach and deal with me.. Im not a doll, and I do have feelings, but I too am very understanding to others feelings too.. geez, Im not an idiot.. lol much love and big hugs carla

yup, we have all experienced it. Someone toldl me I would discover who my true friends were and I have to say truer words were never spoken. Sending a hug your way.

I have found that the people I could count on before Fred died are still the same people I can count on now. They are very few. My best friend since childhood has shown me why she is my best friend. My sister (one of three) and her husband have been unbelievably supportive. I have quickly learned that most people really don't know what to say and are very uncomfortable talking about "it". Their lives go on, even though I feel like mine is frozen in time. Fred's best friend and his wife have reached out to me but I get so emotional each time I hear from them that I told them it might be a while before we can get together. They were friends since junior high school and the thought of being with them without Fred is more than I can bear. They have told me that they understand.

Ruth

Hiya!

I know your feelings totally. I've heard that more times than I care to count. However, only few have actually called or texted to say hey what are you doing?? Granted I post my days on my FB since I have a close net group on their. My own brother hasn't called once since my husband passed. Although, he's asked my mother how I'm doing. She says he told his ex-wife now girlfriend to send me a card. I've yet to receive one and it's been 7 weeks since my husband passed away. Needless to say it's one of the reason's I've decided to stay in Ohio instead of moving back to Oregon. I've got a great job (pay sucks), I've got good friends that care and his family has been a blessing. But, yet at the end of the day it's just me and cats until I can move in the Spring. But, honestly people don't understand we won't be the ones calling. Because we do not want to feel like we are burden - even though we know we are not - it's still be nice for those to contact us and invite us to do things. Hugs

It's true what everyone is saying, no one knows what it's like unless they've been through it. I have to admit, I've known a few people who lost their spouses, and before it happened to me, I really had no idea what it was like either. I'm sure I wasn't all that helpful. Especially to the friend who lost his wife and daughter, back when he and I were still in our 20s.

Get out your address book [wherever it may be] mine is still a black, leather book that I write in. I love the feeling of a real book that I can scribble notes in.

Now that it's out, start changing some of the names in it to:
"See ya"
"Don't really need ya"
"I didn't like you before and I really don't like you now"
"Where were you when I really needed you?'
"I'm moving forward and you should move-on"
"Yeh, sure, you'll call me later"
You said, "if you need me I'm just a phone call away!" Why don't you ever answer your phone?

There's lots more but I think you're getting my point!

Roz

Yes I have! The first 2 weeks People would call, maybe drop off some food. Then slowly they all started to disappear. By NYE, 6 months later, I sat alone. No one answered my inquiries as to what they were doing. I am not an emotional basket case, or invalid. I grocery shop, pay the bills, clean,do the wash, take care of the dogs etc. But it seems like I am a leper that finds myself alone.
Oh yes, they will usher me in if I go to their home but like you said no one stops for coffee, or small talk. I am not in the apartment Pete and I shared, I am staying with friends now. But I don;t understand - when I was there the memory was too great and now its uncomfortable. So my life as it is makes everyone uncomfortable no matter what state it is in.
I am pretty sure this is not the norm, but it is mine. And it is so lonely. My children are either overseas or thousands of miles away due to serving in the military but I thought a friend or two would be supportive.

It is true that you'll find out who is in it for the long haul with you. Carla - like you, I don't hear from the in-laws much and usually only after I initiate contact. It hurts and it hurts my children. Maybe some time and space will be helpful for me. I don't know. I do not have the energy to put into trying to maintain the contact right now.

My first marriage ended in divorce after twenty years so I can honestly say that this (i.e., desertion of family/friends) was the one thing that I saw coming when my late husbands cancer was declared terminal. So, after he died, when I received the offers of help, I messaged all of my high school/childhood friends (most of whom are very active in my high school alumni association) on Facebook and assured them that showing up at my late husbands wake was the one thing I needed most because I knew that 90% of the friends [my late husband] brought to our marriage would vanish after the wake. One year later, I am still in contact with every single one of these childhood/high school friends via Facebook. My late husbands friends have virtually disappeared, of course.

I have chiefly relied on my adult children for company but I have been very careful about not coming across as needymost of the time I wait for an invitation from them.

Your post mirrors so many posts so similar.

Many have said things like its because those around us do not want to be reminded it could be them or someone they love they lose.
Many say our families and friends do not want to be reminded of sad things.
Many say they do not know what to say, and are afraid they will say something that will hurt you and set your grief off.
And there are those that just want you to move on.
And there are those that just do not care and have gone on with life.
These are just a few things those of us who have lost someone and just wanted someone to actually come over and yes talk about our lost spouses, and life and just have a cup of coffee to feel good about life again and do not understand why.

I do understand what everyone is saying. Even my own kids mainly contact me when they want something. I can call or text and they get back to me when it's convenient. I guess its just too hard for them to witness me grieving. But then again we can be lonely in a crowded room too. The aloneness is just unbareable at times. I have to take blame though for some of the friends I haven't heard from in a while. I haven't been much of a friend to them as I really don't want to hear the whinning about stuff that doesn't matter. I know I should do better, but for now this is all can muster up. Hugs and Love to all, Michele