Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
This morning I attended a widow/widower grief support group run by the local hospice. I've been going for about 5 weeks and it's a once a week meeting.
Today, right off the bat, one of the male members was discussing an anger issue he was having and used the term "pissed off." The other male member of our group never let the first one finish before he piped in with something along the lines of "I wish you'd be more sensitive to others when using foul language." The first man, who had been speaking, got up and left the room. One of the counselors went after him and told us, upon her return to the group, that he was just too emotional to return.
Oh, boy! Brought back shades of what was going on in here about 4 months ago. Some of you were not here then, but those of you who were remember how horrible things got. This is the feeling I got at today's hospice meeting. I thought I was going to be sick to my stomach right there on the floor of the room, but I couldn't move - like I was glued to the chair, tears streaming down my face. I sat there the whole hour and a half and cried silent tears.
I did have a pretty bad night last night. When I made the bed yesterday, I happened to look down at the carpet. There are three white spots on it, where I had to bleach Darrell's blood from it. (He cut himself as he collapsed to the floor in the early morning hours of January 30.) Cried myself to sleep playing all those negative tapes of the days leading up to and the day of his death. This probably didn't help my reaction to the event that occurred at the hospice meeting, since I was already on a downward spiral anyway.
Then, when I dashed to my car after the meeting, it occurred to me that I had nowhere to go to just bawl my head off, since the contractor would be at my house this afternoon. (I'm having my kitchen remodeled and it's taking forever...) So, I went to the local golf course and ate lunch alone. When I finally did get home, there was no one here, so now I'm just sitting here crying my eyes and heart out to the only people to whom I know I can turn when I feel so horrible.
Thank you - my new family - for being here and listening. God, I wish at least one of you were here to put your arms around me and tell me everything's going to be okay. Friends and neighbors just don't understand...
Hugs,
Terry
Today, right off the bat, one of the male members was discussing an anger issue he was having and used the term "pissed off." The other male member of our group never let the first one finish before he piped in with something along the lines of "I wish you'd be more sensitive to others when using foul language." The first man, who had been speaking, got up and left the room. One of the counselors went after him and told us, upon her return to the group, that he was just too emotional to return.
Oh, boy! Brought back shades of what was going on in here about 4 months ago. Some of you were not here then, but those of you who were remember how horrible things got. This is the feeling I got at today's hospice meeting. I thought I was going to be sick to my stomach right there on the floor of the room, but I couldn't move - like I was glued to the chair, tears streaming down my face. I sat there the whole hour and a half and cried silent tears.
I did have a pretty bad night last night. When I made the bed yesterday, I happened to look down at the carpet. There are three white spots on it, where I had to bleach Darrell's blood from it. (He cut himself as he collapsed to the floor in the early morning hours of January 30.) Cried myself to sleep playing all those negative tapes of the days leading up to and the day of his death. This probably didn't help my reaction to the event that occurred at the hospice meeting, since I was already on a downward spiral anyway.
Then, when I dashed to my car after the meeting, it occurred to me that I had nowhere to go to just bawl my head off, since the contractor would be at my house this afternoon. (I'm having my kitchen remodeled and it's taking forever...) So, I went to the local golf course and ate lunch alone. When I finally did get home, there was no one here, so now I'm just sitting here crying my eyes and heart out to the only people to whom I know I can turn when I feel so horrible.
Thank you - my new family - for being here and listening. God, I wish at least one of you were here to put your arms around me and tell me everything's going to be okay. Friends and neighbors just don't understand...
Hugs,
Terry
That being said - girl, I do understand. It didn't take much for me to slide down that road of tears. I would come here and vent, and cry to myself. it's a hard road we're on. You did good. You took yourself out for lunch. That's huge. It will be ok, Terry, just a different ok. Big ((hugs)), Marsha
Sometimes at support group I cried the quiet tears for almost the entire session. It wasn't until last week that I actually got through a whole session without a tear. Not sure what that means, could be next session something will be saiid that will trigger the tears.
But... what I've learned as a person committed to doing the work and working my way through the grief is this. Mourning has no specific ending for anyone. Grief and mourning is an idividual thing. The depth of your grief is = to the depth of the relationship you grieve. That doesn't mean that if you don't cry you didn't love you spouse enough.
Please continue with your group. The value is being with people who understand. Spending time in a safe place where you are allowed to cry and allowed to share your feelings without judgement.
Between my wonderful grief counselor and my wonderful DS friends, I will survive. There was a time not so long ago that I wasn't sure I would.
Sending you a big HUG!
Vicki
Sending you Much Love and hoping your days become a little brighter, and your pain a bit less...
Love and Hugs,
Martha
Thank you all so very much for your words and thoughts of comfort. If I've learned nothing else in this whole miserable grief process it's that I must come here immediately whenever I feel terrible. You all are always ready to put your whole selves out there for everyone else here. We all supply to the well of hope and caring, as well as draw from it. I'm back and ready to supply again.
Hugs to everyone,
Terry