Donna, I have no advice for you as I have never dealt with suicide. Maybe it was an accident that he overdosed, that is possible, right. I know the pain of loss as I have lost the love of my life. I wish I had advice for you but all I can offer is knowing someone cares and hopes that you can get through this horrible situation. Take care. Linda

I am sorry for what his COD is. and don't know what to say, except,
It could have been accidental, especially if he hadn't done that drug for a while, or got something from an unknown batch..
HOW could you have helped?
Him doing drugs was not your decision, and is not your fault.
Many addicts accidentally overdose. They are convinced that they have control over the drugs. COD being overdose does not automatically mean intentional.
I am so sorry for your added pain.

Donna, unless you shot him with a needle, put the pills in his mouth, stuffed the powder up his nose or poured the alcohol down his throat you DO NOT have a dog in this fight.

He made his choices, he was free and chose to live and die the way he wanted to.

You need to let him go, grieve the loss, however long that it takes and take one step at a time into the light of living!

You're young and need to think about your future and what you want for yourself. DO NOT START DATING AND PARTYING, not yet! Take some time to think about what just happened. Sort it all out and make the decision to move forward positively, with great thought and care.

I'm sorry, that this has happened. We're all here for you.

Roz

Donna,
You have every right to be angry.
I just want to say, if the coroner did not specifically RULE his death as "suicide", they did not have enough hard evidence to determine that.
Again, I am so sorry you have to deal with this.

Donna. I don't have any magic help for you, just writing to be with you silently with all your sorrow. Someone somewhere posted this link:
http://www.timjlawrence.com/blog/2015/10/19/everything-doesnt-happen-for-a-reason
and it has helped me, maybe his words will speak to you, too.

donnalovestodance,

My wife ended her life in 2009. Although I seldom post here on DS, on another site I have written many times on the subjects of mental illness, addiction and suicide. And I often post the following to newer members who lost their spouse to suicide:

"The psychological trauma of the survivor of suicide (SOS) of a loved one is classified among the most extreme that a person may ever experience. And this is made even worse when that suicide is of one's spouse, whose death is ranked as the single most emotionally stressful event in an adult's life."

But despite this, it is still possible to heal, to recover from the trauma and the grief, and to move forward with life. In the years since my wife's suicide, that is what I have been able to do. What helped me were several realizations that I tried to convey in other previous posts:

"The great majority of adult deaths by suicide or addiction are not due to freely chosen, self-destructive behaviors or character flaws. They are instead the result of serious mental illnesses that often have a physiological / biochemical basis of genetic origin. Such illnesses may be chronic, life threatening, difficult to manage, and impossible to cure."

"I have accepted that her [my wife's] suicide was not about me or even her life circumstances. It was about illness. If medical science has learned anything in recent decades, it is that so many psychological / behavioral problems stem from physiological / biochemical abnormalities of the brain, many of which are genetically inherited. My wife's family has a long history of anxiety, depression and suicide."

"And if I learned anything during the past several decades with my wife, it is that clinical depression is a serious illness just as real as any other life-threatening illness, like heart disease or cancer. Unfortunately, it happens to be classified as mental illness, which makes it appear different. My wife died of a disease of the brain that impaired her thinking and her judgement. I take some comfort in accepting that she died, not by choice, but of natural causes."

Sorry for the traumatic loss that brought you here.

--- WifeLess

I'm so sorry, Donna. My husband was an addict, too. He OD'd on several occasions over the years, ended up in hospital, and was lucky...until he ended up with Hep C which, combined with alcohol and excessive drug use, including but not limited to pills, heroin, etc, his liver finally gave out..and that's how he died.
He may not have done it purposely...if he hadn't used in a long time, it's possible that his resistance wasn't as high anymore, or that he got bad shit. Whatever the case, he likely didn't do it to hurt you...addicts have little control over their addictions...the desire for the drug is mental and physical, depending on what he was using. There is an old song from Neil Young that might help you put things into perspective...here's the link

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0t0EW6z8a0

I hope this helps somewhat..there is nothing you could have done...just like there is nothing I could do for my Tommy, although God knows I tried...take care and again, I'm so sorry...

I just wanted to add that I am also an addict...although I have used heroin and cocaine in the past, my addiction ends with codeine painkillers, and has gotten worse since my husband passed away. I am trying to use more weed instead of the T'3's, but it's hard...and I can see how it could go bad in the wrong circumstances. It's like a sharp claw that digs into you so deeply, that it's more painful to remove it than to leave it there...if that makes any sense at all. Again, I hope this helps...

Donna,
My son is a drug addict in recovery. He has revealed quite a bit about his addiction since being in recovery - things I never knew. Because of his current work status as a Peer Recovery Advocate, he has received a great deal of training in drug addiction. It wasn't until after he received this training that he actually realized that he had overdosed and probably could have died several times. I honestly do not believe that your husband deliberately tried to kill himself. Grief is hard enough to go through without adding guilt to the mix. Please know we all care about you and continue to reach out when you need our support. Roxanne

Thank you everyone for your support, Ya the COD was accidental overdose. Kennon could of died several times if I was around babysitting him is what I called it. I took him to the hospital many times. I put him in rehab many times. He went through the steps like a champ but couldn't leave it alone always relapsed within 3 months of being sober. His clinical depression was severe. I'm trying to come to grip that there was nothing else humanly possible to make him happy. That he probably overdosed because he wanted a good high. thanks again to everyone. Im glad I have your support, Hugs Donna

He even one time lost the function of his kidneys. He had to get 4 rounds of dialysis and was in hospital 3 weeks. If he was alone one more hour that particular overdose he would of had a heart attack and died. So that might very well be the case this time. Donna

Hi Donna, I am so sorry that you lost your husband to drug overdose. I don't know too much about that and certainly am not a professional, but I think it is sad that people end up on drugs, or alcohol or whatever, and I feel empathy for them because they are truly hurting inside emotionally, just an escape. I wish you comfort and peace as the days and weeks go by. You are such a young, beautiful woman, try and think of your future to be happy. I know it is haunting you, try for yourself to think and do happy things. It will help ease the agony, if only for a moment or a day. Hugs and baby bunnies, Nanette

Know this, dear one, you are NEVER responsible for the choices and actions of anyone else, but I fully grasp that you are living with the consequences. Your loved one was received with unconditional love, and so also, we do not judge him. Allow yourself the space to grieve and then allow peace to attend you for you have the right to choose to be a functioning and happy human being - I hope this will be sooner than later. ((SOFT HUGS)) xxx

wait, how do you know he did this on purpose? I'm waiting on the causer of death for my husband and feel the same answer is about to come my way. My husband also had drug problems but he had cleaned up. Isn't it possible that your husband made a mistake? There are easier ways to died if that is what you are trying to do. Overdosing is a nightmare. Don't hate him, maybe it truly was an accident. My husband was a pain in the ass before he died also.I never knew what the hell I was going to walk into when I got home. He was either totally happy or depressed and he was Pi Polar. He talked life in the long term and about rising our son. The day I found him I knew what happened. He looked like he died in his sleep. I did everything to try and save him but like you it wasn't enough. I don't believe he did this on purpose I think he thought he could handle it and it was too much. Like I said I don't know what the hell happened. The Medical Examiners Office is taking up to six months just to tell me what the hell happened. How long did it take for you to get an answer?

Donna, I'm so sorry for your loss and your struggle right now. I know a bit about depression, and I just want to add that depression affects a person's ability to think clearly and make decisions as well as affecting his mood. If he was depressed, he wasn't thinking clearly, so asking for help would not have seemed like a good option. It's like he had a tumor on his brain causing his brain to work differently. A person has to be able to think clearly to see the pain that he would cause you. I don't know if it helps to think of it this way. My husband died in a car accident because he was drunk, so I think of him as taking his own life too. Our anger is totally understandable. I don't think we have to get over the anger, but maybe we can be angry and at the same time understand that their brains didn't help them make good choices. I'm holding you in the light.