Hello my friends. Got me some words perculating in me that I thought I'd share with you. It has been 2 1/2 years for me. Life alone has been a struggle for me. You just don't go 30 years with someone all available time and not miss the companionship. Losing my only and best friend is hard. Hard to explain really, but we just got along. I had my role, she had hers, together we worked. You know, you just can't live with anyone. I well imagine Juani's friends and family might have thought on occassion, How can she live with that man? Well, dammit, she knew me. The man of my heart. I may have been seen by others as someone else, but she could see me for me. And somehow was able to look past all my faults, or it least most. Funny, I could always tell when she was going to blow. Didn't happen very often. But I learned the signs through the years. Knew when I overpushed. She be a gettin' mad, but acted all normal and routine. But I could tell sumpin' was up. Well, depending on what it was, might take a few days, sometimes a week, but never over two. And she'd blow. Like a kettle of tea. Look out Scottie !!!! Usually something she had asked me to do maybe 10 times over months, and sometimes a really really long time. She was so cute when she popped that cork. She was a small woman, but shit, ain't no man can tangle with a really mad woman :) So I'd be all sorry, said I'd get to it or whatever, sometimes she would start crying, and it wouldn't really have been about what she thought it was, that just became the focus. I could take it. Comes with the job. Usually it was just something I did or said or didn't do. Guys are wired knuckleheads. But sometimes it really would be about something else, and that's when she start crying. Usually the kids. Or someone we knew.

Honest, I didn't start out thinking I would write about that. That's what happens sometimes with stream of consciousness writing. Kinda takes us where it wants. Similar to grief :)

What I really want to write about, see I manage to get it accomplished, is this. Lonliness and love. See, I even gave this an official title! I've been me a thinkin' a spell about how I got myself into this wild ape-shit crazy woman chasin' crazy dude mode that keeps poppin' up. Kinda funny, really. Because I don't have a friggin' clue on this dating thing. I'm telling you, it's tough. And these are tough women these days. Shit, they chew me up, take me for what they can, spit me out, stomp on me and kick me to the curb. Well, maybe I'm exagerating just a might. But definitely not like the good ole' days when I had my hair. And my muscles. And a whole lot more common sense :) So anyway, here's the lightning flash. I've fallen in love nearly instanteously with practically ever woman I've met a 2nd time. They seemed to love me. But it doesn't last. And I've gotten my self scammed a few times. In one now, I can't figure out whether I'm just as stupid as it appears, or am I with the world's best scammer, or am I going to spend the rest of my life with this woman? See, I told you it gets complicated. Hang in there. I'm working my way up to the lightning bolt. So why is it I fall in love so instantly. Think about it? Now, where I come from that just ain't normal. The beautiful woman part is normal. But instant love? No. That's a bit out of the ordinary, tender heart or not. So I'm talking to my work friend and co-manager about this, and she says something in a matter of fact way that made an impact. You are confusing love with loneliness. Something I wanted to easily dismiss. But it kept sneaking itself back into my thoughts. Me, lonely? Well, you gotta be lonely. Outside of work and the women I manage to connect up with, I have no one. No family. No friends. Just me and work. Hell, after 30 years of being with someone, I guess I am just a tad bit lonely. Shit, you open that door and take a hard look at Who, Me lonely? Damn it I hate it when a new perspective wiggles its way into my inner circle of thoughts. So, I'm a lonely 59 year old guy. Who thinks he falls in love instantly? Feels pretty damn good to fill that loneliness hole, if even for but a short time. You know that adreneline rush of falling in love, or being in love, you know, at the beginning before things got too routine. It feels friggin' good not to be lonely. That ain't love Scottie. It's nice. It's fun. It's life. But it just ain't love. And it doesn't have to go anywhere. Just enjoy the moments. I lived my plan. Nearly made it to the end. Just an unforeseen event cut it short. So, I'm kinda in limbo land. Not much good or fun just to do shit for yourself. I have no motivation there. But do something for someone else? Count me in. Just don't have near the energy or stamina in me. God, grief has aged me so much. Beard is nearly snow white now. And I'm thin as a rail. Feel good. Sleeping a whole lot better. But I do have my sleepless nights. And so I'll end with this thought. What if this is as good as it gets, as it will be? I'm nearing a point where I am losing interest in building another life with someone else. That had been so important to me. But taking applications for that role has proven itself maybe not what it's cracked up to be. I do think I'm good living alone. Just need to build me an inner circle. Only need one person. A good friend. Found me one a month ago. Now she has half my stuff. And all my good stuff. And she just isn't dropping by nearly as much as she used to. I had to cut her off from buying her things. Not only was I giving her my stuff, but then she kept needing things, or wanting things. Damn, I started noticing that if given the choice, she always picked the more expensive. That's all cool if you are in a "relationship". But we are not. Just friends (I think, thought?). I'm a big boy with a big heart. It brings me happiness to help people. I like to make a woman happy. And yes, I get taken advantage of to a point. My choice really. Whatever. I'm here for her if she needs me. One thing about me, if I give my heart completely I can't take it back. Easily, anyway. So is it love? Or is it loneliness? Works for me either way :) After all, it doesn't have to be about anything. Think about that. A lot of wisdom in those words. ~~~ Scottie