Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Maybe this should be in my journal, but this is the best way to get it out there I think. I noticed that some of my friends here at DS are in the 9-11 months stage in their grieving and having a very hard time of it. I went back through some of the things Id written during that stage (Im just a couple weeks past one year) and recognized the same kinds of problems. It is very common at this point to be in major upheaval emotionally - just when you think you should be able to deal with the loss because so much time has passed you may find yourself falling into that dark hole again and feeling like you cant get out. Its like the roller-coaster kicks into high gear and gets even bumpier. Its such a common occurrence that psychologists have done research on it. Im not a shrink, but I wanted to pass on a few observations from how it went for me in the hope that maybe it would be of help.
Around 9 months, I started cycling through all the phases of grieving, one on top of the other, back and forth, back and forth - almost like a condensed version of the previous months in rapid succession - I was doing the Widows Waltz - two steps forward, one step back. The horrible nightmares came back with a vengeance, I was having a hard time getting any rest and my ability to cope went out the window some days. I would wake up weeping, and the daytime grief bursts suddenly reappeared after having subsided for months. I had some days where I felt fantastic and then would feel guilty for feeling so good. The anger suddenly reappeared, too, and it was pretty intense at times. I was going through a bad time financially and issues came up with both of my sons, and I felt like a failure on every front. I was struggling to redefine myself, and I couldnt understand why I was having such a hard time. I was sick of grief and disgusted with myself for revisiting all the pain of my life. The self-talk that normally would get me through things turned instead into a constant argument - I was a good person, I was a bad person, I was capable, I was a failure, I was a good mom, I was a terrible mom, I was good at my job, I was lousy at my job, I was good at running a household and the finances, I was hopeless and a moron about money, I was lovable, I was unlovable - back and forth, back and forth...
I was debating with myself the real meaning of my life.
It was during this time that I had some realizations - epiphanies - two in particular that resonated deeply: First, I realized that the reason I was muddled in my decision-making was because on an unconscious level I was waiting for Cliffs half of the input - when youve done everything jointly for 30 years you grow to expect that persons feedback before doing anything. I accepted that I was on my own - not a happy thought, not even a new thought in a way, but I was clear about it now. Second, I asked myself whose permission was I waiting for to be happy again? The answer was the same, I had been waiting for Cliffs permission, and realized he had given me that years ago when we had BOTH agreed that if ever anything happened to one of us that the other should find happiness and if possible love again and live life as fully as we could. Neither of us wanted the other to be miserable and lonely - when you love someone you dont wish pain for them, only joy. These two realizations released a lot of the anxiety, guilt, and fear for me.
When the dreaded 1-year anniversary finally arrived, I felt like I had traveled a long, long way. The day came and went and I was still okay. My sons had a rough time of it, as I had anticipated they would. I did what felt right for me and we did what felt right for the 3 of us to mark its passage. And we made it through it.
What I am trying to say is that this storm is normal, and that this storm will pass, too. You wont think so at the time, but it will. There is no set time for these things, and Im not saying theres some magic number of months where the pain all just evaporates - that would be nice but Im a lousy liar so I wont go there. Will the holidays be rough? Yes, most likely, but knowing that in advance can empower you in your approach to them. Youre not crazy, youre not a failure, youre not a coward, God isnt punishing you, and there is still a life to be lived, and hope and happiness, and even love are still possible. Will it be different? Oh yes. But life still can be good. Hang on, you can make it.
Love and Hugs,
Martha
Around 9 months, I started cycling through all the phases of grieving, one on top of the other, back and forth, back and forth - almost like a condensed version of the previous months in rapid succession - I was doing the Widows Waltz - two steps forward, one step back. The horrible nightmares came back with a vengeance, I was having a hard time getting any rest and my ability to cope went out the window some days. I would wake up weeping, and the daytime grief bursts suddenly reappeared after having subsided for months. I had some days where I felt fantastic and then would feel guilty for feeling so good. The anger suddenly reappeared, too, and it was pretty intense at times. I was going through a bad time financially and issues came up with both of my sons, and I felt like a failure on every front. I was struggling to redefine myself, and I couldnt understand why I was having such a hard time. I was sick of grief and disgusted with myself for revisiting all the pain of my life. The self-talk that normally would get me through things turned instead into a constant argument - I was a good person, I was a bad person, I was capable, I was a failure, I was a good mom, I was a terrible mom, I was good at my job, I was lousy at my job, I was good at running a household and the finances, I was hopeless and a moron about money, I was lovable, I was unlovable - back and forth, back and forth...
I was debating with myself the real meaning of my life.
It was during this time that I had some realizations - epiphanies - two in particular that resonated deeply: First, I realized that the reason I was muddled in my decision-making was because on an unconscious level I was waiting for Cliffs half of the input - when youve done everything jointly for 30 years you grow to expect that persons feedback before doing anything. I accepted that I was on my own - not a happy thought, not even a new thought in a way, but I was clear about it now. Second, I asked myself whose permission was I waiting for to be happy again? The answer was the same, I had been waiting for Cliffs permission, and realized he had given me that years ago when we had BOTH agreed that if ever anything happened to one of us that the other should find happiness and if possible love again and live life as fully as we could. Neither of us wanted the other to be miserable and lonely - when you love someone you dont wish pain for them, only joy. These two realizations released a lot of the anxiety, guilt, and fear for me.
When the dreaded 1-year anniversary finally arrived, I felt like I had traveled a long, long way. The day came and went and I was still okay. My sons had a rough time of it, as I had anticipated they would. I did what felt right for me and we did what felt right for the 3 of us to mark its passage. And we made it through it.
What I am trying to say is that this storm is normal, and that this storm will pass, too. You wont think so at the time, but it will. There is no set time for these things, and Im not saying theres some magic number of months where the pain all just evaporates - that would be nice but Im a lousy liar so I wont go there. Will the holidays be rough? Yes, most likely, but knowing that in advance can empower you in your approach to them. Youre not crazy, youre not a failure, youre not a coward, God isnt punishing you, and there is still a life to be lived, and hope and happiness, and even love are still possible. Will it be different? Oh yes. But life still can be good. Hang on, you can make it.
Love and Hugs,
Martha
Hugs,
Connie
There is no magic point in time, that changes it all. You just learn to catch yourself sooner in the waves, getting balance back somewhat. Ready for the next wave. I envision body surfing on Lake Mi. Some days are rougher some not so bad, the good memories become the gliding time when you get past the fear
Hugs to all here in these months.
jewells
I am still here to help those newer to this experience. I made it through, and I believe with support that anyone can, so I stayed on. All 3 of the Community Leaders ("CLs") are old-timers now, we've all moved forward with our lives, yet we are still trying to help.
I do still cry on special days, and on some level I think I will always miss Cliff, but it's not the same knock-you-flat kind of pain as the early days.
Hope this helps....
Love and Hugs,
Martha
I am not mad at my Husband, Pete, for dying. It was very sudden and I found a note he had written earlier that same day about the start of his new job he was starting on Monday (he died on Friday before) and how life was going to be so much better now; Him and I together , we would conquer the world! But there are times I am so mad that he was taken before this dream could become a reality.
I am having issues with one of my sons, one of my dogs has become diabetic since he passed, I lost a job, and I had to give up "our" apartment within a month of his passing. Yes I definitely feel like a failure. Sometimes I wonder if he is upset with how things are going since he moved on.
I have a tree up with a special angel on it for him, special ones for my 3 children, and my 2 dogs, and some old family ornaments. look for jobs, stay busy every day with something or other-- but still feel like life isn't going anywhere!
I sure hope it gets lighter, easier, happier....
Thanks again.
Love and Hugs,
Martha
Thank you for taking the time to reintroduce your old post.
I am at 9 months today.
I identify with so much of what you posted. I keep thinking
the roller coaster is going to at least slow down but it seems
at 9 months approached that it was picking up speed with
more twists and turns than ever.
There have been points in the past few weeks when I have
questioned every one of my decisions and then I encounter
a moment of clarity and the roller coaster starts up again.
I really don't know how to react as this has never happened
to me before. Then again, my wife was by my side for 30+
years and, suddenly, she wasn't 9 months ago. Suddenly,
nothing in life makes sense.
I know this journey does not have a timetable. I know it is
something that cannot be " fixed " or " cured " and the only
way is what many call " forward ". I have thought about it
and it is the only choice we have. We can't go back.
I don't life my " new life " and perhaps acceptance is going
to be an issue for me. Maybe I shall never accept it. Perhaps
I shall be able to only adjust to it. I have been exploring my
options and they are somewhat limited. I simply have to
make adjustments to cope with it day by day and week by
week and so forth into the future. Life will not allow me to
to stop or do otherwise.
Thanks again for reposting.
Blessings -
Darrell
My little girl is 9 today. And Mark is gone 9 months tomorrow.
(Sigh)
I think there is something about the 9-month mark hard-wired into us as humans that causes us to expect some kind of resolution to have happened. It takes 9 months to have a baby - perhaps that is what it is - we expect a new life and new beginnings and the trauma and tribulations to be over in that time. If only that were the case!
I think, too, that by 9 months everyone around us is pretty much tired of our grief, and the pressure to be "all better" is greater, so then we get into a vicious cycle of trying harder and beating ourselves up when we don't rise to some flawed concept of what that means - usually an unrealistic level set by others that have not had this experience. Sometimes I just wish the rest of the world were more patient and compassionate.
Love and Hugs,
Martha