Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Maybe this should be in my journal, but this is the best way to get it out there I think. I noticed that some of my friends here at DS are in the 9-11 months stage in their grieving and having a very hard time of it. I went back through some of the things Id written during that stage (Im just a couple weeks past one year) and recognized the same kinds of problems. It is very common at this point to be in major upheaval emotionally - just when you think you should be able to deal with the loss because so much time has passed you may find yourself falling into that dark hole again and feeling like you cant get out. Its like the roller-coaster kicks into high gear and gets even bumpier. Its such a common occurrence that psychologists have done research on it. Im not a shrink, but I wanted to pass on a few observations from how it went for me in the hope that maybe it would be of help.
Around 9 months, I started cycling through all the phases of grieving, one on top of the other, back and forth, back and forth - almost like a condensed version of the previous months in rapid succession - I was doing the Widows Waltz - two steps forward, one step back. The horrible nightmares came back with a vengeance, I was having a hard time getting any rest and my ability to cope went out the window some days. I would wake up weeping, and the daytime grief bursts suddenly reappeared after having subsided for months. I had some days where I felt fantastic and then would feel guilty for feeling so good. The anger suddenly reappeared, too, and it was pretty intense at times. I was going through a bad time financially and issues came up with both of my sons, and I felt like a failure on every front. I was struggling to redefine myself, and I couldnt understand why I was having such a hard time. I was sick of grief and disgusted with myself for revisiting all the pain of my life. The self-talk that normally would get me through things turned instead into a constant argument - I was a good person, I was a bad person, I was capable, I was a failure, I was a good mom, I was a terrible mom, I was good at my job, I was lousy at my job, I was good at running a household and the finances, I was hopeless and a moron about money, I was lovable, I was unlovable - back and forth, back and forth...
I was debating with myself the real meaning of my life.
It was during this time that I had some realizations - epiphanies - two in particular that resonated deeply: First, I realized that the reason I was muddled in my decision-making was because on an unconscious level I was waiting for Cliffs half of the input - when youve done everything jointly for 30 years you grow to expect that persons feedback before doing anything. I accepted that I was on my own - not a happy thought, not even a new thought in a way, but I was clear about it now. Second, I asked myself whose permission was I waiting for to be happy again? The answer was the same, I had been waiting for Cliffs permission, and realized he had given me that years ago when we had BOTH agreed that if ever anything happened to one of us that the other should find happiness and if possible love again and live life as fully as we could. Neither of us wanted the other to be miserable and lonely - when you love someone you dont wish pain for them, only joy. These two realizations released a lot of the anxiety, guilt, and fear for me.
When the dreaded 1-year anniversary finally arrived, I felt like I had traveled a long, long way. The day came and went and I was still okay. My sons had a rough time of it, as I had anticipated they would. I did what felt right for me and we did what felt right for the 3 of us to mark its passage. And we made it through it.
What I am trying to say is that this storm is normal, and that this storm will pass, too. You wont think so at the time, but it will. There is no set time for these things, and Im not saying theres some magic number of months where the pain all just evaporates - that would be nice but Im a lousy liar so I wont go there. Will the holidays be rough? Yes, most likely, but knowing that in advance can empower you in your approach to them. Youre not crazy, youre not a failure, youre not a coward, God isnt punishing you, and there is still a life to be lived, and hope and happiness, and even love are still possible. Will it be different? Oh yes. But life still can be good. Hang on, you can make it.
Love and Hugs,
Martha
Around 9 months, I started cycling through all the phases of grieving, one on top of the other, back and forth, back and forth - almost like a condensed version of the previous months in rapid succession - I was doing the Widows Waltz - two steps forward, one step back. The horrible nightmares came back with a vengeance, I was having a hard time getting any rest and my ability to cope went out the window some days. I would wake up weeping, and the daytime grief bursts suddenly reappeared after having subsided for months. I had some days where I felt fantastic and then would feel guilty for feeling so good. The anger suddenly reappeared, too, and it was pretty intense at times. I was going through a bad time financially and issues came up with both of my sons, and I felt like a failure on every front. I was struggling to redefine myself, and I couldnt understand why I was having such a hard time. I was sick of grief and disgusted with myself for revisiting all the pain of my life. The self-talk that normally would get me through things turned instead into a constant argument - I was a good person, I was a bad person, I was capable, I was a failure, I was a good mom, I was a terrible mom, I was good at my job, I was lousy at my job, I was good at running a household and the finances, I was hopeless and a moron about money, I was lovable, I was unlovable - back and forth, back and forth...
I was debating with myself the real meaning of my life.
It was during this time that I had some realizations - epiphanies - two in particular that resonated deeply: First, I realized that the reason I was muddled in my decision-making was because on an unconscious level I was waiting for Cliffs half of the input - when youve done everything jointly for 30 years you grow to expect that persons feedback before doing anything. I accepted that I was on my own - not a happy thought, not even a new thought in a way, but I was clear about it now. Second, I asked myself whose permission was I waiting for to be happy again? The answer was the same, I had been waiting for Cliffs permission, and realized he had given me that years ago when we had BOTH agreed that if ever anything happened to one of us that the other should find happiness and if possible love again and live life as fully as we could. Neither of us wanted the other to be miserable and lonely - when you love someone you dont wish pain for them, only joy. These two realizations released a lot of the anxiety, guilt, and fear for me.
When the dreaded 1-year anniversary finally arrived, I felt like I had traveled a long, long way. The day came and went and I was still okay. My sons had a rough time of it, as I had anticipated they would. I did what felt right for me and we did what felt right for the 3 of us to mark its passage. And we made it through it.
What I am trying to say is that this storm is normal, and that this storm will pass, too. You wont think so at the time, but it will. There is no set time for these things, and Im not saying theres some magic number of months where the pain all just evaporates - that would be nice but Im a lousy liar so I wont go there. Will the holidays be rough? Yes, most likely, but knowing that in advance can empower you in your approach to them. Youre not crazy, youre not a failure, youre not a coward, God isnt punishing you, and there is still a life to be lived, and hope and happiness, and even love are still possible. Will it be different? Oh yes. But life still can be good. Hang on, you can make it.
Love and Hugs,
Martha
Hugs,
Gloria
My husband died 11-12-07, and I wrote this post originally having just crossed the 1-year mark. I'm now past the 2-year mark, and I've been on DS since a couple of weeks after Cliff died. I've seen patterns emerge, and the books I've read on grieving and my experiences here at DS confirm each other the vast majority of the time.
There were a whole bunch of us here that lost our husbands about the same period of time. Some have gone on to other places, but some of us have tried to stick around to let those just starting out know that you can survive this, that there will be joy in your unwanted new life. It seems impossible at first, and I know that because I was there, too. But it's true. There will also be times further on in the journey where you will fall down again. That's another reason some of us have stayed - so you can see that even when we fall down, we still are able to get back up again and keep going, and that does get easier over time.
Don't be afraid, there are ways to get through this. Love and Hugs, Martha
This DS site has been a godsend! To get encouragement from people who have walked the same path is so helpful. We can say things here that we wouldn't say to family. Not that they wouldn't listen and try to help, but with them being on the other side of the country I just don't want them worrying about me more than they already do!! So thanks again for the help.
Hugs,
Gloria
Among everything else, I think it makes me see very clearly why I find it so incredibly hard to make decisions on my own. I'm still waiting for Fabian's half of the input.
And talk about arguing with myself! Or feeling competent and hopeless, both at work and as a mom, all at the same time! Though some days are better now, I still go through times of complete confusion, when all I can do is hang on and hope that what others have told me is really true: we can get through this!
It is also affirming I think to see how strong some friends have been and it's encouraging to see how far some have come. Many have been through the depths of despair and have now come through to the point where they are giving back to those who are new. I find that inspiring!
Love and Hugs, Martha
This appears at 8 1/2 months where I am at now.
Self doubt, worry, can't seem to make a decision, overwhelmed with things, not sure about anything moment.
I am beginning to believe I need to move but where & can I sell this?
Its scary now.
Thanks, it's always good to see reflection. I know I am not in totally uncharted waters, others have been before me, others will follow.
Hugs to all. -Pete-
You describe exactly wherre I am today!
And it lets me know that I am going to make it through this first year.
@nicker07 - It's real common to think you want to move, need to move, have to move. If you can, the common bit of wisdom is not to make any major decisions like that for a year. Not everybody has that luxury. Before you make any major decisions, you might want to brainstorm with those close to you for ideas and feedback. I was looking for a place to move me and my kids to during that first year, and I asked everyone I could think of for advice and threw it out for feedback here at DS, too. I don't know anything about horses - I've never been on horseback in my entire life - but I understand that some people think there is no better way to spend a day than to go riding. Maybe you need to give yourself just a little more time. I don't know. I'd hate to see you give up the place if you don't want to or have to and then regret it later.
Love and Hugs, Martha
Love and Hugs,
Martha
Hope this helps....
Love and Hugs,
Martha