Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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autumn1019 11/16/2011

I guess I have done a lot of anticipatory grieving before my husband died. When he was diagnosed with liver cancer in August of 2010, I tried to stay positive, but I knew what an agressive disease this was, even after successful surgery, the pathology report was ominous...Brad was lucky to have 7 months cancer free afterward. In the meantime, I developed frozen shoulder. I am a nurse and couldn't work for 6 months...time given to me from God to spend with my husband...The cancer returned in May, I returned to work in June and worked around my husbands cancer treatment. The 5 months prior to his death were very stressful. Watching him bravely endure all the testing for a liver transplant and undergo invasive procedures to treat the cancer was difficult for me. Since I am Surgical ICU nurse, I know of all the complications and things that can go wrong...and every time he had a procedure was a time of extreme anxiety for me. When he was hospitalized for the 2nd time near the end of August, I took a personal leave of absence from work to care for him when he came home. He told me over and over, he never wanted to go back in the hospital (where he got C diff to complicate matters!) No FMLA, no paychecks, etc...if they would have fired me I didn't care, I needed to take care of my husband.
So I returned to work yesterday (he has been dead 4 weeks today). I have very little to give my patients or their families...I am selfishly wallowing in my own grief, I can't care about theirs...this feels terrible and foreign to me, that is not the type of nurse I normally am. After dealing with illness and sadness and medical procedures endured by the love of my life, I just can't care about other people right now. I don't even know if I can fake it...it takes too much energy. Anyone else have to deal with this? I can't take any more time off...I need an income.

Catherine17 11/16/2011

Autumn - I don't work in the health care profession.....but I completely understand what you are feeling. Tomorrow will be 10 weeks since my husband passed at the young age of 51 to cancer. I feel like I have little to give to others too at this time. I have all I can do to get up in the morning, go to work, and take care of the things around the household I need to. I hate grocery shopping for just myself, have a hard time being at any family functions, etc. I pray you are able to drudge through what you need to in order to continue with your job. I too needed to go back to work, since I needed an income - they hired a new front office secretary while I was gone - on my second day back, she must have thought I was over dressed for the day and asked me if I had a "Hot Date", I politely explained my situation, so further comments would not be made in the future.....but I just don't really care about other people either.....

you are in my prayers and thoughts.

deleted_user 11/16/2011

I'm so sorry. You can't change how you feel or don't feel, you can control how you react to those feelings somewhat, but not the feelings themselves. You are going through such a rough time, you've been through a terrible ordeal and have had to go back to work very quickly. I think a lot of us go through PTSD after we lose the person who was quite literally a piece of ourselves, and it's hard to feel anything but grief and anguish. Is is possible that you might be able to switch to another nursing unit for a while? ICU is a difficult place to work in the best of circumstances, patients need undivided attention--it's not fair to you or them either one for you to have to be trying to give what you don't have. Perhaps you should talk with a nursing supervisor and see if you can float to another area or maybe even do some auditing rather than hands on nursing for a while? I hope you can come up with something that allows you to grieve without feeling guilty about not feeling the compassion you would normally feel for patients and family members. Nursing is a difficult job--I am praying you find an answer that works for you--you need time to grieve.

jremee 11/16/2011

It is hard. I came back to work 3 1/2 weeks after my husband died. I am a 911 dispatcher and it can be very hard to be empathetic at times. You having to deal with people in person is even harder, I am sure. I also don't seem to have much empathy for others that have not experienced the type of pain and loss that we have. Maybe someday it will come back, I am not sure. Just know we here understand and I think it may get a bit better over time - even though the pain and sadness probably never goes completely away (and maybe we don't really want it to?). Take care.
-MJ

yellowrose3 11/16/2011

My husband battled head and neck cancer for 3 yrs. we went from both of us having good paying/benefits jobs, to neither one of us working. I chose to take care of my husband here at home. except for a few hospital visits. The only income we had coming in was his disability. I didn't care, would not have had it any other way. My husband also had c dif from hospital visit. My husband suffered for 3 years, and on his last hospital visit begged me to take him home. I had to switch his oncology Dr. mid way through because he neglected to give us all the details of my husbands illness. I have a great deal of anger toward some of these Dr's. He passed away here. I had previously worked in a nursing home for more than 10 yrs. I can not go back to that kind of work, everyone kept telling me, You take such good care of him you should go to nursing school. I couldn't do that either. I took the best care of him that i could because I loved him so much and it was so hard for me to watch him in such pain. My outlook on life has changed so much sinse he passed away. It's hard, very hard some day. I don't know if we ever get back that piece we lose from loss, or watching someone we love so much suffer. many hugs to you. Donna

autumn1019 11/16/2011

I'm thinking I may have to go see someone in the Employee Assistance Program. I witnessed a murder at the hospital 11 years ago and they were somewhat helpful in dealing with that. It's hard for me to ask for any more special treatment since I was already granted a 2 month personal leave of absence, which is hardly ever given to anyone. My mother told me to care for the patients as if they were my husband. I kind of got angry with her...it's so easy to say and hard to do. I'm just having a bad day...we'll see how another day at work goes tomorrow...

deleted_user 11/16/2011

Hi,

I think your idea about looking into what can be done through the Employee Assistance Program is a good one. It is tough going back to work and in your profession, it must be extremely difficult. Is there anything else that you can do besides work on the floor?

Keeping you in prayers,

Shar

deleted_user 11/16/2011

It has to be so very hard for you to care for patients, knowing what you have just been through. It's like reliving it time and time again, I imagine!!!

I work with children everyday, and in the beginning it was TOUGH for me to do! Luckily I had my assistant who is also my daughter to help.

In the beginning it was all I could do to get through the day. I couldn't wait for the end of the day, so I could let out all the tension I was feeling, and these little sweethearts are healthy and happy. I can't even imagine what that has to be like for you. After Greg passed, my mom went into the hospital on the day of his memorial.
Walking into another hospital was like agony. i know I've said it, but I really can't imagine.

As far as empathy, I do have it now. it comes back with some time, but patience for BS? I have NONE!!!!! I hear petty things, and I just shut down, and pretned I'm listening. nodding like I've heard and that's it!! I am more vocaql when I hear silly things too, and not afraid to say what i think. sometimes I think it may get me in trouble, but I really don't care!!! lol

I now know for a fact, that life is too SHORT, and I'm not going to put myself through things I don't want to ANYMORE! :-)

I hope the employee assistance program will help. You DESERVE it to, with all you have been through, and they of all people should undestand the mental and physical toll it takes to do what you do, without having the tragedy you have had happen.

My hopes for help, and HUGS that you will be able to go back, and be OK with it.

Diane

missmyhero 11/17/2011

For financial reasons I had to go back to work one week after burying my husband. I was numb. I was on auto pilot and felt exactly the same way you feel right now. I thought I was changed in a way where I would never again care about the people I was helping. I would cry all the way home every single day for a very very long time and hated what I thought was the new me. It wasn't me....it was me grieving and having no choice whether or not I could work.

Take it very very slow and know that you are not yourself and it will get better over lots and lots of time. There are so many different stages that you will be going through, but no stage lasts forever.

Be especially kind to yourself. You are numb and anyone would be if they lost all that you lost. Your bucket is full right now so if anyone wants to pour more into your bucket...of course it will just run over. That is what losing my husband felt like to me.

Sending you tons of hugs!! I wish I could help make it easier for you, but we all walk our own journey...and it all stinks!!! Just know that others have walked in your shoes and it gets bearable some day.

I now at two years and 7 and a half months feel very deeply for others once more. It took a very very long time though...

more hugs....
-Diana

deleted_user 11/17/2011

I think what you're experiencing is a natural outcome of your grief. It's hard to care about anything while suffering through the loss of the most important person in your life. Please don't fault yourself, you are obviously a compassionate, caring person, otherwise your seeming lack of regard for your patients would not be bothering you so much. I think when the chips are down for one of your patients you'll come throught with all the caring and concern you've always had for them. Don't be so hard on yourself, you need to take care of your emotional difficulties too, grief is so invasive to every part of our lives. I think the "not caring" syndrome is our defense mechanism to isolate us from even more grief. I think you'll overcome this, just give it a little time.

Um, BTW, what hospital are you working at now, I need to avoid it in case i need to be in a hospital for something. I mean, I think you'll be fine as long as I'm not the patient hehe.

God Bless, Sal.

deleted_user 11/17/2011

Hi, Autumn - I think I have a pretty good idea of what you are going through. I left a stable job to care for my husband for 2 1/2 months before he died. - I'm a dental secretary/assistant, so I know what you mean about having empathy for patients. Took a job in one office that lasted 7 months - let go(office politics) and just started another one 2 weeks ago. Been doing this for 25 plus years but find my heart just isn't in it like it used to be. I know I have to work but it's like "what for" now? I was the breadwinner and for a long time worked 7 days a week. It's a living and work has always been my life but I can't seem to get excited that I at least found another job - So, our situations are a little different but I can relate - hopefully you'll find a way to continue in your profession that works for you at this point!

deleted_user 11/17/2011

Forgot to mention the feeling of insecurity I seem to have about everything since my husbands death - and this probably has something to do with how I feel about working! So, trying to have a positive attitude each day- and just do my job!

gone2soon 11/17/2011

Autumn, I know it has to be difficult for you. I work in a hospital, although not direct patient care but I do deal with patients over the phone. I was fortunate enough that my job allowed me to take off two months. I was on intermittent FMLA for his doctor visits already. I took off and of course ran out of PTO so no pay. Thankfullly employees donated time for me and I got some pay. I don't think I would have cared if I didn't. I couldn't come back and be emphathetic with patients either. When I did, it was hard. Thank goodness they couldn't actually see me because it was hurting so bad. When I pass through the hospital I remember that he was once a patient here and those memories come flooding in. It has gotten better. I am almost 14 months in the journey now. It took some time.

Maybe remembering that you are helping another family go through an experience you are so familiar with may help. But it is very early for you and it will take some time. My supervisor had told me that whenever I needed to take a minute away from my office to just do it. I know being a caretaker at the hospital probably won't work for you. Just wanted to let you know I understand your feelings and yes I have been there too.

Hugs, Anne

deleted_user 11/17/2011

Wow, gone2soon's post hit me like a ton of bricks. I also work in the hospital where my husband passed--I was off during the last 3 wks of his hospitalization and a couple of months afterward---I was able to take extended sick leave for myself because our doctor documented that the stress was too great, so I never went without a paycheck thank the Lord--I had so many weeks accumulated over the last 30 years that I still have several weeks available so I am fortunate. It was so difficult to come back to work though--walk those same hallways that I walked everyday on the way to the ICU, see the nurses and respiratory techs who cared for him--even the docs as they passed in the hallways--it was difficult to say the least---and it did affect my ability to be sympathetic in some ways because I couldn't keep my mind on what I was doing, everytime I encountered a patient or visitor who had anything similar I struggled to think of anything but my husband and those weeks before his passing--it was a huge struggle. I can only imagine how much harder that is in direct patient care. I have to say though that it made me even more empathetic in some ways---when I have to speak to the families of patients in ICU or another critical care area my heart goes out to them because I know what they are feeling. Autumn, I really hope you can come up with a solution, I know how much pain you are going through, I hope the EAP can give you some advice. My prayers are with you.

Nicker07 11/17/2011

I think what you are feeling is very normal. First of all do not beat yourself up over it. How to deal with those feelings however must be faced. Employee Assistance programs are usually very helpful, talking to grief counselor, is there a position with your hospital or place of employment where you can work but have less contact with serious illness patients???

I pray you find a path for comfort in this...

lovelos 11/17/2011

Autumn I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I am also a nurse who retired at 55 in June of 2009. Our plan was my husband was going to work until he was 65 and I was going to get a part time job until he retired. One month after I retired he developed neurological symptoms and was diagnosed with ALS in November of 2009. I cared for him at home where he died in November of 2010.

I know exactly how you are feeling. Caring for someone so much and watching them die takes the life out of you. I wish you could take more time off of work but I know that is not possible. I think EAP may be something you should look into.

You are not being selfish, you are surviving...know I am thinking of you and sending you healing hugs, Lu Ann

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