I guess I have done a lot of anticipatory grieving before my husband died. When he was diagnosed with liver cancer in August of 2010, I tried to stay positive, but I knew what an agressive disease this was, even after successful surgery, the pathology report was ominous...Brad was lucky to have 7 months cancer free afterward. In the meantime, I developed frozen shoulder. I am a nurse and couldn't work for 6 months...time given to me from God to spend with my husband...The cancer returned in May, I returned to work in June and worked around my husbands cancer treatment. The 5 months prior to his death were very stressful. Watching him bravely endure all the testing for a liver transplant and undergo invasive procedures to treat the cancer was difficult for me. Since I am Surgical ICU nurse, I know of all the complications and things that can go wrong...and every time he had a procedure was a time of extreme anxiety for me. When he was hospitalized for the 2nd time near the end of August, I took a personal leave of absence from work to care for him when he came home. He told me over and over, he never wanted to go back in the hospital (where he got C diff to complicate matters!) No FMLA, no paychecks, etc...if they would have fired me I didn't care, I needed to take care of my husband.
So I returned to work yesterday (he has been dead 4 weeks today). I have very little to give my patients or their families...I am selfishly wallowing in my own grief, I can't care about theirs...this feels terrible and foreign to me, that is not the type of nurse I normally am. After dealing with illness and sadness and medical procedures endured by the love of my life, I just can't care about other people right now. I don't even know if I can fake it...it takes too much energy. Anyone else have to deal with this? I can't take any more time off...I need an income.