Oh, Sisen, I am so very sorry about what happened. I do not know what you should do now, except to keep coming back to this group. You are in a safe place here. I am so sorry his family is blaming you.....................that is completely unfair. I am glad you found us and hope you can find some peace/strength/comfort/something here. Sylvlia

It's been 3 months my husband is gone and I still have the what ifs going on all the time . I don't think it's in our hand , this is decided by universe . My husband also try to be the strong type and tell me nothing but I m sure even he didn't know it will go this bad . He was perfectly healthy .young 32 years old . Try to take baby steps , ask someone family of good friend to come and stay with you for a little while . Alone at this stage will be really tough .

sisen,

I lost my wife to suicide in 2009, and it is not surprising to me that you feel isolated and lost. The psychological trauma of the survivor of suicide of a loved one is classified among the most extreme that a person may ever experience. And this is made even worse when that suicide is of one's spouse, whose death is ranked as the single most emotionally stressful event in an adult's life.

With regard to "fault" and "blame", though I seldom post here, on other widow/widower sites I have written many times on the subjects of mental illness and suicide. The following paragraphs are a few excerpts from these posts:

"The truth is that the great majority of adult deaths by suicide are the result of serious psychiatric illnesses that are often chronic, genetically inherited, difficult to manage and impossible to cure."

"I have accepted that my wife's suicide was not about me or even her life circumstances. It was about illness. If medical science has learned anything in recent decades, it is that so many psychological/behavioral problems stem from physiological / biochemical abnormalities of the brain, many of which are genetically inherited. My wife's family has a long history of anxiety, depression and suicide."

"And if I learned anything during the past several decades with my wife, it is that clinical depression is a serious illness just as real as any other life-threatening illness, like heart disease or cancer. Unfortunately, it happens to be classified as mental illness, which makes it appear different. My wife died of a disease of the brain that impaired her thinking and her judgement. I take some comfort in accepting that she died, not by choice, but of natural causes."

Sorry for the traumatic loss that brought you here.

--- WifeLess

I am new here but I wanted to try and jump into this head first because I know that keeping the conversation going has been crucial for me. Being alone and in your head is not the best place to be all day. Withdrawing can be helpful, but dangerous too, so I recommend you continue to reach out to others, whether that be here, coworkers, a counselor, or a stranger, whoever you are most comfortable with! I know I can't make any promises, but his family may one day see that this was not your fault. Give them time to work through the emotions too. You seem like a very understanding person and while it isn't fair, or right, just know that his family is lost too and just trying to make sense of something that seems so senseless. As someone who has seriously contemplated suicide in the past I can say that no one knew, not even my very attentive Fiance, so long as I didn't want anyone to know. You are not to blame and my best guess is that he wouldn't want you to blame yourself either. Just as wifeless said, it was not about you or anything you did or didn't you, he suffered from an illness. All that said, I know our losses differ slightly, and no words can ease the guilty feelings when they surface as I too am dealing with the what ifs, but I hope you know you are strong.

It's not your fault. Never is. His emotional pain was so extreme that he could only think about ending it and was not in his right mind when he took his life. Of course you had no idea. Had he talked about it, odds are that he would still be here today. Truly, I am sorry for your loss. I understand what it is like to lose all family after death. Some is of my own choosing, some I just had to walk away from because I couldn't handle the drama. So we start all over. First we discover ourselves, the me instead of the we, and then we begin the very long process of rebuilding not only our life but who we are. And we are whoever we define ourselves to be. This is a long hard road. But we survive, and that is what it is all about at first. Do what you gotta do to just survive until the next minute, hour, day, and eventually the grief waves get farther and farther apart. Our loss is spiritual and we have a deep spiritual wound unlike any other. Time and lots of it will heal us. God bless you and comfort you. ~~~ Scottie

I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Suicide is unexplainable to those left behind. We all ask why, whether our loss is from illness, accident or by their own hands. My loss stemmed from cancer, so I have no personal experience with suicide, but I am here for you and I will hold your hand as you work your way through this nightmare. Sharon

Sorry to hear of your loss. My husband and I moved to Virginia where I obtained a good job I d.c. it was just us... taking on the world. When he was killed in a tragic accident I found myself stuck.... luckily able to afford to live in my home, you are faced with "what do I do now"... do I move back home? Do I stay? But I think your first step has been completed by opening up to your new friends on this site. We are all facing similar situations and are all hear for you if you need someone to talk to or lean on.

I am relieved that you realize in your heart it wasn't your fault. In reality it isn't really anyone's fault. Anyone committing suicide is not in their right mental state. Most successful suicides happen because the person is quiet and says nothing. So you don't know what's going on until it actually happens.
I am too familiar with that alone feeling. My wife and I were the only ones living in our home. And I was the one who found her the morning she went to heaven. No one else there. I never thought that family could be so cold, but they can be. There are no right or wrong words to say. Sometimes just the presents of others is enough. Would there be a possibility that you could move back closer to your own family. It may be easier for you to be around blood relatives. And on down the line start to rebuild your life there.
Until then continue to reach out to those who know what your feeling with this type of loss. It is so different than any other I have ever felt.
Take care.
Peace, Tim