Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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new widow

Tromblt
Tromblt

THis has been the worst week ever.  I lost the love of my life of 35 years to cancer.  I was with him his last 30 days of his life in the hospital.  It was and is the worst nightmare of my life. My husband was diagnosed 11 months ago.  He was told that he had a very curable cancer and he would be fine. He went though 11 months of chemo and his condition was poor at the beginning to the end.  Chemo wore him down, made him weak and angry.  He was not the person I knew.  I kept telling him we will make it though this youre going to be fine.  6 trips to the hospital at least 2 weeks each time, we were still hopeful.  He was given blood, plasma, magnizum and several other drugs and sent home each time weaker then the time before.  Again we were still hopeful and looking towards this nightmare being over. I was my husbands voice and caretaker. I had to make decisions I never dream of.  He was poked, cut and given no food in hopes that all of this would make him stonger.  Test were done and the doctors couldn't find anything wrong with him.  He should have pulled out of this and gotten better, This time he had a seizure and wasn't breathing rushed to the hospital.  He was put on a breathing machine with no hopes of recovery.  He was taken off 4 days later and seemed fine.  He was moved to another room on a regular floor from the icu.  A few days later he got a fever and was rushed back to the icu.  A couple days later he was again put on a breathing machine because he was spitting up blood.  only one day later he was taken off and seemed like his old self again.  3 days later I was asked what his wishes were for his death.I knew he didn't want to live with a feeing tube on kidney dialysis and have a urine bag attached to his side the rest of his life. 24 hours later he passed away.  


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Once_Was_Called_Babygirl
Once_Was_Called_Babygirl
Doctors, hospitals, beeping machines, staring at numbers; n hopes that some positive benchmarks will be reached.

Mental and physical decline that require decisions. Didn't we always make decisions together?

Then, the dreaded moment when he was no longer present in the shell that I interacted with.

Gone....really, completely out of reach! But there is still so much I want to say. I've had to dispose of the very body whose warm touch gave me courage and strength to go on.

When do I get to go where he is? Why did he get to leave without me? I have no forward vision, only backward glances. The world moves on and they want me to move on too, but to what, when its so dark.

I am a believer in Jesus, His Word, and His purchase of my life. I'm ashamed that my witness is so negative and my gratitude entirely lacking. I just want to go HOME so I don't do any more damage to others.
luckydaughter
luckydaughter
Hi Trombit. I am so very sorry for your loss. My story is similar to yours in some ways: I lost my husband of 31 years to cancer. That was six months ago and he had been sick for 16 months. In the early days after his death all I could remember was the nightmare of his last days. Now, finally, I am starting to remember the good times, before he got sick. I hope that you will find some peace.

Sylvia
Tromblt
Tromblt
thanks so much for your reply. I feel that i am all alone with no hope in sight. I see old couples so happy. Hoping that would be me in the future. all of that taken from me in one moment. Worries of finances, heartache and pain. This is my new normal. Is there anyone out there that can help me. Where are all the lonely widows? I wish there were more groups that people could reach out to in person. Help
scottito
scottito
It's like a nightmare that just wont end and just keeps getting worse. I know. I managed to survive it all, beyond me how. I to was running on nothing but adrenaline and hope those last months of her life. I was my wife's sole caretaker. And when she took her last breath, my life began to crumble. I began to crumble. And soon I was reduced to a short, bald and bearded pile of ruble. And at so.e point the rebuilding of myself began, ever so slowly. And I can truly say Ive come out of it all a better person, living in the moment like never before. Her final gift and lesson of love to me. Everything will be okay with you eventually. Just give it time and let the grief take you where it will. We all learn the hard way, grief will do what grief will do, totally beyond our control. It does get worse before it gets better. But I promise, it will get better eventually, and like me, you will come out of this all stronger than before. ~~~ Scottie
shelda
shelda
My husband was told he would die at the beginning when i rushed him into the hospital January 11 2016. He proved them wrong for 53 days..with two release dates. I was his caregiver for 6 years and 3 of them were the worst especially after his cardiac arrest in 2014. He died March 03 2016..after 36 years together. Am trying so hard to see positive stuff. I find Praying,Breathing..remembering people who loved me and some may still do ,helps me to feel ..relieved...wanted and valued. This morning i watched the birds in the sky and prayed..the sun is rising and the birds are so happy. I pray for us all everywhere and Always think of people as being human like me..and i have discovered people are nicer then i ever thought before !! By smiling at others what a wonderful feeling when they smile back. My family does not understand me except my son,but not completely. No one knows i am a widow when out and about and they treat me normal. I will go to a mall and people watch. There really are more kinder people then i ever imagined . People like you all :) Hugs and rays of positive light being sent from me to all of you :)
jdp
jdp
We feel your pain. My husband, 3 years ago, died here at home. He also had cancer, had received chemo but it was stopped as his condition was deteriorating.

Unanswered questions, unrealized dreams
Anxious moments
Lonely days, lonely nights

The emotions do level out in time.
We each must grieve, in our own way, in our own time.

Hopeful days emerge
Coping mechanisms develop

Little steps..
Time, it all takes time
Blessings
jdp
MrsLfromTX
MrsLfromTX
Hello. I am so sad to hear of your loss of your spouse to the despicable cancer. My hubby too had cancer (lung cancer) twice. Actually survived the 1st one with only 5% chance. The 2nd one took his life 11 years later.
I know how hard it is to see what happens to people who get this disease that should've been studied for immumotherapy 25 years ago, at least! Instead it's the hideous radiation and sickening toxic chemo. My dear husband died at home. 28-1/2 years together. I am holding down our small ranch, have horse boarders (we always owned horses but I had to sell ours) stay busy mowing, trimming, taking care of horses, dogs, cat. I will soon be cleaning out and rearranging the garage now that I have sold most of my husbands welding equipment, his truck, stock trailer...very sad to see it all just go down the driveway. But animals all to great homes and someone else now can enjoy his welding equipment.
It's been 2 years and 4 months since he died. It's still hard and painful but with my doctors help I am getting by and even built a few things. Never used an electric power tool in my life but watched my husband so often I copied him. I built a ramp for our old dog who died just last December. I replaced the stairs outside and oiling tractor parts and driving the tractor and using it.
Never drove it before either.
So try to do things your husband did. You will be proud and he'll be proud of you.
I wish you the best.
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