Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Unlike many of you that have lost a loved one suddenly, my loss took time. In the last two years of our marraige, I watched my wife deteriate in front of my eyes. Kathy had Multiple Sclerosis which left her a quadriplegic. My grief started two years ago with the hospitalizations and surgeries. Her slow death was my hell. I loved to take care of her and all of her ADL's (activities of daily living). Imagine for a moment of taking care of an infant that cannot fend for themselves. My Kathy was like that, except that she was 61 years old. She passed on Sept 3rd, 2016. She spent the last six months in a long term acute care facility before going to a hospice center. She died that night in her sleep. My job was to take care of her and when she was in the hospital, I felt robbed. I've known Kathy since 2008 and we were married Oct 2nd, 2010. In the years that I've taken care of her, it was hard for me to trust that she would be taken care of.
Over the last couple of years, I've known that her demise was approaching, and in my heart, I prepared for the worse. She was a courageous and strong woman with an affinty for life. She never complained about her disease, never got angry, and always had a smile on her face. Even though she was restricted to a wheelchair, her personality was positive, outgoing, and contagious.
Since her passing, I have never felt so alone, confused,and depressed. I accepted the fact that some day she would eventually slip into her long awaited death. The pain of her gone has left me a shambles with no one to talk to. The pressures of dealing with the finacial end of things, the estate, her family that never gave me the support or help when I asked for it, and even now, has abandoned me.
Kathy passed before my 60th birthday, which I spent totally alone at home. The pain of my grieving is missing my birthday, our six year aniversary and her 62nd birthday coming up on the 28th of Oct. Special occassions that meant something to the both of us.
I don't know if any of you have had a relationship such as mine, but bear with me as I wll try to explain more about Kathy. You see she had a supra pubic catheter, a sigmoidectomy which require having a colostomy, a feeding tube in her belly and a tracheotomy. She couldn't hold my hand, touch me in ways that she wanted and I didn't mind. I loved her. I would make love to her, giving, always giving of myself and never asking for anything in return, to make her life happy, and enjoyable. I ask if anyone could do the same unconditonally.
I sit here writing as it helps ease the pain and suffering that I am going through, remembering how she touched my life without ever touching me. I fell helpless, alone and nowhere to turn until I found this site. Nine years of me knowing Kathy and how in love we were is gone. Will I ever be able to fall that deeply in love again? Will I ever feel the warmth of a hand in mine? The questions of how to move on are endless with no foreseeable answers.
I find it diffilcult to get out of bed in the morning and when I do, I spend the day feeling sad. I don't want to do anything. I'm afraid to go out in the world to be looked at differently. I don't know where to turn to, what I'm going to do or what.
I feel the pain of others that have lost a loved one and understand that there are no clear cut answers to why these things happen. I want somebody out there that has gone through the agony such as mine that can guide me through this process.
I think we all wonder "will anyone ever love me like he/she did".
Journal-ling by writing, rather then typing has been proven to be way more effective in healing. For me, it was what got me through the early days and I still journal many times a week. Put all your thoughts, frustrations, regrets, hopes on paper, for your eyes only.
It does get a little easier as time moves on, none of us want to hear that in the early days, but it is so true.
Hugs Kathy
I long to be held and comforted as many on here want. We all want that. But how do we move on, realizing the fear that at our age that we could lose another loved one? My biggest regret is that my wife (also named Kathy) wanted to go to Italy. The logistics of transporting a power chair, manual wheelchair,oxygen equipment, catheter and feeding tube supplies, not to mention having accommodations would be a nightmare. As you can guess, we never went. Thank you again for your words of encouragement. Tom
I completed the long overdue task of cleaning out my Mothers photo albums, (she passed 5 yrs ago). It really hit home, going through them, that my Mom's life was such a rich, fun one with many friends and travels. But sadly that life did not start until my Dad passed away when she was 58yrs. At 65 she met a lovely man and he became part of our family... they had 25 wonderful years together. I hope her life will keep me with an open mind down the road. I love sharing that story!
I'm angry knowing that all the prayers and well wishes went to her family and friends and not a single word of praise for taking care of my wife. I surrendered my life to take care of and love Kathy over the last seven years, and not once publically was I given credit. The only thing that kept me going was the way that Kathy said I Love You. It was always I Love You Tom. My sadness and pain from missing her is doing a number on my mind. The emptiness, except for here, I have no one to talk to. The guilt of airing out my laundry sometimes is unbearable and I just want the pain of loneliness to go away. In the years that have made me happy, were the ones with Kathy. Although she was mobility impaired, she touched my heart with her smile and positive outlook on life. Imagine if you will, going seven years without ever being physically touched. Sure I would hold her hand or caress her, and even make love to her. Even with all her bodily attachments. We even joked a few times that if we had met several years earlier, we could of out done the Duggars.
To those in similar situations, I understand and my heart goes out to you. On here, we are family, regardless of where we live and what we look like. We all have the commonality of losing a loved one.
I try to keep occupied, my faith and trust in God is the only thing that gets me through each day. Life is very different, it is more of just an existence without much purpose. Since I am still here, I know God has a reason for keeping me here so I just try to take it one day at a time. I don't have any kids, Vic had a son by a previous marriage, but I don't see or hear from him very often. I have a few friends I see from time to time but there is nothing that fills that void. God gives me comfort and peace, and I always feel His presence with me but I am always lonely for Victor. He and I were so much alike, soulmates in everyway, we always saw things the same way, liked the same kind of music, food, paintings, everything. We always understood each other. From the time we got married over 34 years ago, I never once had any thoughts of being with anyone else and I still don't and I know I never will, so it feels like half of me is gone, we completed each other, that kind of love is hard to find, all I can do is take one day at a time, try to keep occupied and wait until I will see him again so I try to look beyond the pain I am experiencing now, knowing that this physical time on earth is only temporary, I know my soul and spirit will be reunited with Vic and we will live with Christ for all eternity, I look forward to that, until then all I can do is just look to God for comfort and guidance as to what to do in the time I have left here. Praying that God gives you comfort through this difficult period of life.
There are present challenges with your own grief and your wife's family: you need time and effort to make sense of this loss... and what does it mean to move forward. If there are anything you can do to improve the situation with her family take the chance to do so but otherwise it will be status quo. I suspect their views on you have long been formed.
As for the future just let it be. You are too early in your grief to think about the future now, other than thinking about the fact that you do have a future that will be built in your own terms.