When I first lost my husband, I was extremely guilt ridden...all the times I nagged him for leaving the refrigerator door open, for being late, for scraping the bottom of his bowl when he ate...etc. All those silly things that drove me crazy. I feared I was a terrible wife, and thought I was the most difficult person in the world to live with....at some point, I realized that he nagged me too. How HUMAN of us...to not be perfect!

I DID vow that if/when I entered a new relationship, that I would try to stay more focused on the big picture, not the little details that cloud my perspective. I am currently dating a man that has lots of flaws (by golly, he is human, too!) and it is SO easy to overlook them. I am finding myself to be a much more loving, forgiving person now. Not sweating the small stuff anymore.

Going thru a horrific loss CAN change you for the good!

I went through the woulda, coulda, shoulda's too. I think it's part of grieving. It's also necessary to find out that the bottom line is we are all human. Our spouse seems like perfect people for a time, but they weren't any more than we are. The important thing is we loved each other flaws and all and that's special .

I've been with Art for 4 years now and I believe my priorities have changed on what is important. That doesn't mean that I come close to being the model wife. It's normal to get annoyed when living together. Being annoyed at our children doesn't make us bad parents. Love covers a multitude of faults and always will. The biggest difference I see is I get over it much faster. Sharon

I think we have all been through this. I was waking up about 3-4 am every morning also. That's when I would get a book about widows and read it. I would finally get back to sleep. I was also journaling everyday to remember everything I could. Then I had and still have my regrets, how I should have been better and more thoughtful and all the things we could have done and been to each other.

The first few months are very hard, but then its a different kind of hard after the first year then the second, it seems to constantly be changing in some way.

If I had it to do again I think I would be a different person this time, but actually it was meant to be exactly what it was and we can not change it no matter how hard we try or wish. Quit beating yourself up over it. Take it slow, know you did your best and so did he. We did what we were suppose to do. Now we can go on from here and try to be that better person we hope we will be.

I am so sorry for your loss, it will get easier.
Hugs,
JoAnn

Well, Morey was so dang mean to me towards the end of his life. He had no patience [because he was in so much pain.] I knew he was in pain and that something was terribly amiss. I couldn't take his pain away, I couldn't make him happy, no matter what I did!!!

He wouldn't let me help him until he couldn't walk anymore. He had NEVER said a foul word to me in the over 40 years that we were together, now he was spewing expletives that even my truck-driver mouth had not said. It was my first clue that his mind was changing. That something was terribly wrong. Of course, I took it personally and would go off to our bedroom and get teary!

After he had his final collapse and was hospitalized [against his wishes]......I felt so guilty. "I hadn't done enough", "I did too much", "I should take care of him at home." "I need to sit him, day and night!" And, on and on.

Morey would beg me to take him home. He couldn't walk, but I was trying to figure out how I could get him into my car, into our home, help him to go to the bathroom, cook for him and hire someone to care for him, when I went to work. Oh! God! How do I do this?

I couldn't do it......he was losing his grip on reality as his stroke left him unable to maintain rational thinking and physically to be able to manipulate his legs other than while laying down. It was awful.......I wanted to help......I could do NOTHING!!!! I felt so helpless! So stupid!

Why, why? Why wasn't I a better wife? A more doting wife, a more subservient wife, a more this, a more that!

Now he's gone.......I'm not ready to face another relationship.....I can hardly manage friendships! Yet, I'm a great friend.......I'm so loyal.....loyal to the ends of the earth! I look forward to friends and love being with people. Just promise me you won't get sick!!!!!

With Love,
Roz

Let go of the guilt - it serves no purpose and will only drain you. We all go through it at some point. It's horrendouse, but honestly pointless. You loved him and he knew it and that's all that matters.

As you know, I am remarried, to a widower. Did we each grow through our losses? Yes. Is our marriage different from our previous marriages? In some ways, yes. But as human beings we learn or at least try to learn from our experiences - good and bad - and we continue to grow. Just as I grew through the years I had Cliff, I am still growing. I think one big difference is I don't sweat the small stuff anymore. That's not just with my new husband, that's with everyone and everything now. ALL of my priorities shifted when I became a widow. I always treasured Cliff, and I do treasure Mark. That much is the same.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I think we all have regrets or feelings that we could of should of did better! My husband and I had argued the morning of his accident because I didn't want him to ride his motorcycle after it had sat all winter without having it checked out but it was in the 70's outside and he could not wait to get back on it. He had an accident on the way home and we never resolved our arguement but after they unplugged his support a single tear ran down his cheek so I like to believe he knew I was there and it was okay! I have not found anyone to be apart of my life but probably I would try a little harder to relax and not worry so much!

I think I would be more aware if someone else came into my life. I just can't imagine that for me right now, but I know life gets lonely and people need people. I have done many of the same things you talked about ramar why why why... not sure. Still trying to find me and a purpose for this life. I wish there was a group for widows in my area, I need the connection to others than can understand how I feel. So thank you all for sharing. You are helping me to understand that many of the things I feel are normal in our situation. God Bless each of you.

I'm sure your Ray knew how much you loved him. And, most of us, if not all of us, spend hours spend hours, days, weeks, wondering what we could have done better. I know I did. I'm a bit over 7 years now and remarried going on 5 years. I do hold special moments closer now. However, I am now retired and more able time wise to do so. No job or little kids to distract me.
Just a word of caution. I started a "fling" less than 2 months after my Tim died. It was way too soon and ended in disaster 10 months later. I just craved physical touch so much after Tim died that I grabbed the first opportunity to be touched. So please be aware of how fragile you could be emotionally during these early days, weeks, months, etc. My thoughts are with you.
Dianne