Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I get really angry when people talk about how you can find another man and be happy again. They say the marriage is over when the spouse dies. The relationship is ended. You are no longer married. When you continue to wear your wedding rings, and his, you are just refusing to accept that the marriage is over.
Well, in life, God says that the two shall become one. Then all of a sudden, we are ripped apart. When Jesus ascended into heaven, did that end our relationship with Him just because He wasn't on earth anymore? If your child dies, are you no longer a parent? It says in the Bible that in heaven we will not be given in marriage, but it doesn't say that if we were married on earth, we won'tl have that love relationship in heaven.
How can a marriage be taken so lightly when death takes one half of the union? Our life was together, closer than any other relationship. Now it's just to be be buried in the ground and go on like you were moving to a new planet with no memory of the life on earth?
As you can tell, I am still angry about losing my husband to lung cancer, and feel further abused when people act like I should be living a new life like an actor in a play instead of a real person. How can we say we valued the relationship if we just get over it in a hurry and get a new Ken doll.
I am married to Joe even to my own death. I will honor our love and exclusive relationship as long as I live. I talk to Jesus even though He isin heaven and I talk to Joe even though he is in heaven. I fell so disrespected when people act like I am in denial and "these things happen". I'm rambling. Sorry. But I was feeling angry about this especially when the last session of my grief support group last week said that it is a myth that I am still married.
Well, in life, God says that the two shall become one. Then all of a sudden, we are ripped apart. When Jesus ascended into heaven, did that end our relationship with Him just because He wasn't on earth anymore? If your child dies, are you no longer a parent? It says in the Bible that in heaven we will not be given in marriage, but it doesn't say that if we were married on earth, we won'tl have that love relationship in heaven.
How can a marriage be taken so lightly when death takes one half of the union? Our life was together, closer than any other relationship. Now it's just to be be buried in the ground and go on like you were moving to a new planet with no memory of the life on earth?
As you can tell, I am still angry about losing my husband to lung cancer, and feel further abused when people act like I should be living a new life like an actor in a play instead of a real person. How can we say we valued the relationship if we just get over it in a hurry and get a new Ken doll.
I am married to Joe even to my own death. I will honor our love and exclusive relationship as long as I live. I talk to Jesus even though He isin heaven and I talk to Joe even though he is in heaven. I fell so disrespected when people act like I am in denial and "these things happen". I'm rambling. Sorry. But I was feeling angry about this especially when the last session of my grief support group last week said that it is a myth that I am still married.
I have issues with all these PEOPLE that feel the need to mind my business rather than their own. There is always someone asking some stupid question about Mike, his death, the rings I wear and always will. They need to move on and find another victim. I had mentioned in a previous post that I was the victim of being picked up by a man in my church. My husband died in August and I was in church that day to have my now 21 day old baby son baptized. This moron was trying to invite me to a church event because "I am now single". That takes a lot of nerve. So, if I am living the myth, so be it. It's a lot better than dealing with the idiots. I, too am happy for those that chose to find another, but it is a choice that not all of us wish to make. Our choice should be respected. Because I am a young woman, the well wishers of the community feel they need to introduse me to their single sons, grandsons, nephews, and maybe even the plumber. They think I need a man to step in and raise my 5 kids. Maybe they need a man because they are of a different generation and fell into more traditional roles. I want them to get a life and leave mine alone. I am married to Mike, and that is not a myth.
Maggie
Tru
I flirted with the idea of another around the one year mark, the minimal, respectful period of mourning in my culture. Is this no longer the norm? I mean we are advised not to make any major decisions for a year. Surely entering into a new relationship would fall in this category.When I really gave the idea serious consideration I realized it was a flight of fancy, a diversion, a distraction, an escape, from the soul sucking work of grieving the loss of someone I loved with all my heart and soul. If I had entered a new relationship it would have been so wrong on so many levels for all concerned. I don't think about it anymore. That's not to say I never will. Only God knows. But I'm still in mourning and still deeply connected to my husband. And yes, he is my husband. And yes, I am still married to him. And honestly, I don't see how I will ever really feel any different. But I am truly happy for those who find love again if that's what they want, and don't believe it negates in any way their former spouse or relationship. I could only hope they are really ready for it and that it is for the right reasons. God knows the last thing anyone here needs is more heartbreak.
I actually dug out the copy of our wedding vows and the word "death" does not appear.
Maggie
Chris
You know my husband never wanted his ring off! He became so ill and skinny (LC) that a few days before he passed it fell right off his finger. He freaked out and I had to put it back on him for him. It surprised me he even noticed as delerious as he was. All that aside, I told them at the funeral I didnt want it back they were shocked. The fact of the matter is we were married and he would have wanted to keep it on. In presenting the ashes to me they found the ring. I was surpised..I took it out (maybe I should have kept it there) and proudly wear it around on a chain around my neck and wear my set. At night (& sometimes in the day) I put it on my ring finger and try to sleep.
After 11 years he married me 3 weeks before he died because he wanted to take care of me. Why would I remarry when it was his dying wish?
Lori
I guess the ONE THING that, for me, always rings true is that, we need to follow our hearts in whatever choices we need to make. If we FOLLOW OUR HEARTS we will be doing what will end up right for us and the heck with what "others" tell us that they think. "Following our hearts' wishes" is what molds us and creates who we truly are. If "others" accept and support our choices which create who we are then those are the loving, caring people that we want to surround ourselves with anyway. Good luck to all here who are struggling with this topic....just know that if you FOLLOW YOUR HEART'S WISHES your struggle will be diminished greatly. -Sam
As for what others think I am the point that it doesn't matter anymore. Most are well meaning, some just ignorant. We have to live and find our own happiness what ever or however that may be. As I said at close to 3 years now and my kids growing up and starting their lives it leaves me alone quite a bit so I won't rule oneday finding a friend or companion again, it will never be the same life I had before and will never take away my love or feelings that I have for my husband.
As for your grief group and that comment hard as it is I would not listen to that type of advice. I don't think that is helpful.
Wishing you peace this holiday weekend.