Well I am living in the same myth with you...:) And I intend to stay living it. Everything you said about us being one...I know we wont be given in marriage,but maybe we dont have to be...because that was soemthing that had to be done on earth because of mans sin nature...to keep us accountable to our spouse. I have been told I am young and need to go on also...but I just tell them I am going to be reunited with my husband in heaven. I talk to Larry and Jesus everyday too. I try not to hang onto what other people say...just let it go and know someday I will be with my love and soulmate forever. Your still married....Im still married....:) Your in my prayers...:)

What do you mean by saying the last session of my grief support group said it is a myth you are still married?

Add me to that list of myth believers. When we took our vows we told each other forever; not till one of us left the other but forever. I AM stll Sherm's wife and will be for all eternity. I am not in denial either. I know he has left this earth for good, but where he goes, I go also. Because I have spent years of my life with the one love of my life, that is all I need or want. No one else could ever do. Hugs, Kathy

"I get really angry when people talk about how you can find another man and be happy again."

"People" who are not bereaved themselves have a tendency to rush our grief. Whether it's because of their own discomfort with our pain (reminding them we are all mortal and their relationship could also end abruptly), for their own selfish puposes, out of misguided support or simply lack of anything else to say.

Many people equate "wellness" with being in a relationship. That's their world view. That's why they say to someone that has broken up "there are plenty more fish in the sea". I know, if I want a fish I'll go to the nearest supermarket.

By extension they think the way to "fix" the bereaved person's pain is to get them paired off. It's like buying a kitten for a child when the old cat died.

Of course, some of us do find someone else. We never stop being widows/ widowers either.

It's your choice and belief, don't let others attempt to change that. They don't have any "greater truth" than you. They've not been there.

Take care.

Change grief support groups - this one clearly does not support. I too feel exactly the same as you - I certainly still feel married- can't imagine that changing ............

Hugs

Debbie

I know people who say these things have no clue. They aren't saying these words to hurt us, they have just not walked in our shoes- - "father forgive them for they do not know what they do"- it's just pure ignorance, so I don't give it a second thought. We will never convince them otherwise- so I don't bother pounding my head against the wall anymore.

I agree that two shall become one...and stay that way. There was nothing said in my marriage vows about the good old "'till death" crap. I thought saying that for all of our days on Earth and all our days beyond was a good choice for Todd and me. I wear my rings and his as well. If someone has a problem with that, they need to find someone else to pick on. As for the issue of "moving on" and finding a new man......don't need one. I didn't need Todd. I wanted him. I have been told that at 27 years old, I am being foolish hanging on to the memory of Todd. I need to find another man. I wish for peace in my life and just wish for the rest of the critical ones to STFU. peace out....Kaaren

When I buired Chris I promised him that even death would not end out relationship. I mean it! I have no intention of ever getting into another relationship let alone married! I married the man I wanted to spend my life with and even though he is not here I still talk to him and I know he watches over me. I don't care what people say. I had my soulmate and they don't ever make two of them!
Ronda

I am also living the same myth (if that's what the A'holes want to call it) as you and love every minute of it. Love it as much as I can anyway.

I totally agree with your first paragraph for it has always made me angry too. Some present the topic as not being able to have a happy, fulfilled life, nor recovering from grief, unless you have another partner to share it with.

Your life has always been what you made it, and that rule still applies.

I wanted to comment on this post as my experience is different than most who wrote here. First and foremost I think that grieving spouses should be allowed to make any choices they personally want as they move forward. It's not wrong to stay devoted to the spouse you promised to love for eternity, to wear your wedding rings and to consider yourself forever married to them. But it's also not wrong to find love again and even remarry. Perhaps only other grieving spouses can understand or accept that we each have a right to personal choices and that we shouldn't play "God" in other peoples lives and decisions.

I lost my dear husband Ross very suddenly on 9/1/07. I grieved deeply and terribly for a long time, and in many ways I will miss him and grieve for him until the day I die. That's the reality of losing someone we love. We NEVER forget them and I don't believe love ever ends. I was often baffled and hurt by other people's plans and opinions about what I should or should not do. I heard it all! Why is it that losing a spouse seems to make other people think we are suddenly incapable of making decisions about our own lives and futures?

However, that being said, I met an incredible widowed man who also had loved and lost. We fell in love and decided to marry and build a new life together for whatever amount of time God allotted to us. In my mind and heart this is not wrong for me, nor is it a betrayal of the love either of us had for our deceased spouses. We feel it is a tribute to them and that if they had any say in the matter with God they hand picked us for each other. I most certainly did not take my marriage to Ross lightly, nor did our children. And I do not take my new marriage vows lightly, either. Only death will part us.

Grief is a long and arduous journey for each one of us and it is made more difficult by those who choose to give us their unsolicited opinions about how we should move on. I hope that's a lesson I've learned through grief: "Live and let live" as my mother used to say!

So for those of you who choose to honor your spouse by staying married to him forever, I admire, respect and support your decision. For those who choose another path and perhaps love and marry again, I also support, respect, and admire their decision. For those who choose to stay single and pursue other pursuits, dittos to you.

I wish you all peace this Thanksgiving week. Love and hugs, Tami

I too am living the "myth" that I am married and always will be. We started dating at 15, married at 20, and were married for 37 yrs. so there will be no one else for me. I have no desire to ever find someone else but I also learned to never say never in this life. I am truly happy for those who have been fortunate to find a wonderful person to share their lives with and not have to be alone. We have to do what is right for us and never know where life will take us. Take care, Sandra

Include me in on "The Myth"!I'm so out of focus I don't have any words "Holidays" are the worst! Blessings to all!

I am a myth believer also. Last year for Valetine's Day I got my husband's name tatooed on me. Now that he has passed everyone is asking me am I going to get it removed or covered. Absolutely NOT. I knew when I got it that it was permanent as is my love for him. Nothing is going to change that.

First off let me say that I am another one LIKE YOU, who is living the so-called "myth" that I am still married to my wife. People keep using the word "choice" here, but really....is it a choice??? I don't feel as if it is. I could not remarry if I tried....it would be all over and annulled in a few days. I happen to feel that the "union" with our SOULMATE is so strong that we really have no choice but to follow our hearts and do what brings us comfort and some form of peace.
I have seen many "rocky" marriages, lived thru my first "loveless marriage" as well (I married too young the first time). After analyzing all that is MARRIAGE, I made a vow to myself that I would never get married again until I found my SOULMATE (the person who I want and need to spend all eternity with and that she feels the same as well). That incredibly happened with my Pattie and I will for all eternity be grateful to Christ for that gift.
I too wear my wedding ring and Pattie's ring on a chain around my neck. People ask why and I tell them (I really don't care what they think about it, because I know how I feel about it in my heart).
The real deal here is "What does MARRIAGE mean to you???" It means so many different things to so many different people. What people expect to get out of a marriage is different for everyone......except YOUR SOULMATE, if that is what you believe. I know people in marriages that are "rocky" for whatever reason, and know that if their spouce passed they would look desperately even feverishly to replace them and remarry. Many people have self awareness issues, are dependant, insecure and thus stay in bad marriages (obviously they want something "different" than you from MARRIAGE).
I know that I will never marry again because my heart will always belong to Pattie. I vowed to her that "WE" (our united souls) would go on here on this natural earth for as long as one of us is alive and breathing. Then when we are both gone from here, we with the grace of our Lord, will be REUNITED in our ONE-TRUE-LOVE as SOULMATES for all eternity.
Until then, I will do what I can to be TRUE TO MY HEART. Many people try to "fix" me or want to set me up, but I just tell them how I truly feel and I feel much better afterwards.
I really think (my opinion only) that it all depends on what each individual wants to get out of MARRIAGE. I am fine with what others want from it as long as they are fine with what I want as well. I don't expect many women to get in a relationship with me and try to get past all of how I feel about my wife. I personally, would not feel all that great about a girl who felt "OK" with being second on the totem pole. My whole heart will always belong to Pattie and that would probably cause too many issues in another intimate relationship. So for now I am content to be friends and whatever happens...happens but "TRUE-LOVE" I already have for the rest of my life and can NEVER have again with another. There are many "unattached" happy/content people out there, and I am working on that. But, like I said I am learning how to cope with accepting that because of all that I so suddenly lost. Good luck to you and many blessings, -Sam

you are not rambling at all, in fact i personally would like to throw you a ticker tape parade!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i would drop that grief group in a second flat.
i could care less what the official title is,married, still married, widowed... whatever the title is , the fact is simple... there is one heart, one Bob, one love, one life... no replacement parts needed.
thanks for the post... this one felt good!
hugs to you
judi