Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I have to admit lately it seems a lot of the locals see me - they have these sad eyes and concern eyes and ask how am I doing? Moreso than at any other time I keep getting asked that.
I am honest I say I am doing ok just ok at this point. Because I think I am doing OK but not great, not truly happy, not truly satisfied, or real settled or I just can not explain. It will be one yr July 31st. since my husband died of a massive heart attack. Seems like it went fast, yet it seems like it was just yesterday. Those feelings are weird.
Just how am I supposed to feel? At this time I wonder? I am moving forward - made some tough decisions - working to activate them. Not what I envisioned where I would be or go at this stage of my life but as they say "s&^% happens" I am sad and teary some days still, and just sad. I do not want to be sad but I am sad.
I do think right now I am overly tired from doing a lot. Like you all I wish I was not here but guess at this point not much I can do to change a thing. So like you all trying to make the best of it.
Thanks for letting ramble on...
I am honest I say I am doing ok just ok at this point. Because I think I am doing OK but not great, not truly happy, not truly satisfied, or real settled or I just can not explain. It will be one yr July 31st. since my husband died of a massive heart attack. Seems like it went fast, yet it seems like it was just yesterday. Those feelings are weird.
Just how am I supposed to feel? At this time I wonder? I am moving forward - made some tough decisions - working to activate them. Not what I envisioned where I would be or go at this stage of my life but as they say "s&^% happens" I am sad and teary some days still, and just sad. I do not want to be sad but I am sad.
I do think right now I am overly tired from doing a lot. Like you all I wish I was not here but guess at this point not much I can do to change a thing. So like you all trying to make the best of it.
Thanks for letting ramble on...
Most of the time, it's business contacts or other casual friends who ask this. I think it's a from genuine concern on their part ( you have to remember it's not always an easy question to ask) so I try to give an honest answer.
If I've had a tough time, I say so "Rocky patch, but I'm still doing OK. GOOD to see you!"
Usually I say "I'm DOING all right... thanks for asking." To give them a bit more info, I say I'm still missing my husband greatly, and that I miss our daily companionship and support. , but that I try to appreciate the lovely home we made together and community where I live; and, not the least, my friends who keep tabs on me! Sometimes I share an annecdote about him that we both remember. Then with a smile, I ask for a hug, which usually ends in smiles all around.
One thing that became apparent to me in the raw days after Keith's passing is that every day will be different from the last. No matter how sorrowful or confusing one day was, invariably the next brought it's own set of circumstances, contacts, chores, etc and it would be different from the previous day. So, one day could be horrid, and the next, a sea of calm. In this way, when I lay my head down for sleep, I know that the next day holds possibilities I can't yet imagine. Might sound sort of corny, but it's just reality. No need to dread, let the day unfold and meet it as best you can.
You can usually sense if a person asks the 'how ARE you doing' question out of reflex without expecting much detail. And sometimes folks are going through trials of their own, and are just wanting to be polite; sometimes what they like is to have the same question asked of them; they might need a shoulder, but are afraid you have too heavy a burden already. I find it helps to turn the focus on them by returning the question. If they need to talk, they will.
I also find that doing little things for others( especially friends and neighbors who supported the very early days of grieving) helps me keep in contact with our casual friendships so it is not just a question of my mind state, but they see I am capable of reaching out as well. That gives them a big clue.
Remember, one day at a time and reach out when it feels good.
And how about the folks who say " You are doing remarkably well, I would be so upset if I lost my husband".......................
I guess they expect us to be ...........................fill in the blank, I don't know.
I think its just another example of people not knowing what to say. Yes, I am tired of it too but I recently I finally learned to have a couple of answers so I don't accidentally say something I will regret later.
Lately when I am asked how I am doing I say, " I am doing the best I can; and that's all I can do, the best I can"..............
Also, depending on who is asking, I have decided to ask for advice or help about something I really do need help. EG, my weed wacker is acting stupid, my wireless settings are in cahoots with the weed wacker.....etc.
As Debbie said, I've realized that there are always going to be questions about things I do not want to answer so if I am doing the asking about the best way to get to TraderJoes, it just makes everything simpler.
We need to be our own advocates and this is one way I advocate for myself.
And besides, there are things I do need help so this way, folks are helping me and I do not have to answer questions I am do not want to answer.
My best to everyone!