Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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/ Widows & Widowers Support Group

Lately get asked How are you doing?

Nicker07
Nicker07
I have to admit lately it seems a lot of the locals see me - they have these sad eyes and concern eyes and ask how am I doing? Moreso than at any other time I keep getting asked that.

I am honest I say I am doing ok just ok at this point. Because I think I am doing OK but not great, not truly happy, not truly satisfied, or real settled or I just can not explain. It will be one yr July 31st. since my husband died of a massive heart attack. Seems like it went fast, yet it seems like it was just yesterday. Those feelings are weird.

Just how am I supposed to feel? At this time I wonder? I am moving forward - made some tough decisions - working to activate them. Not what I envisioned where I would be or go at this stage of my life but as they say "s&^% happens" I am sad and teary some days still, and just sad. I do not want to be sad but I am sad.

I do think right now I am overly tired from doing a lot. Like you all I wish I was not here but guess at this point not much I can do to change a thing. So like you all trying to make the best of it.

Thanks for letting ramble on...
deleted_user
deleted_user
I'm sure you're going to see replies from several members who understand exactly what you're going through. I certainly do. I don't think there is any way we're "supposed" to feel. We'll all heal in our own way and at our own pace. My wife has been gone a little over a year now. I still have my bad days and there's always some underlying sadness no matter what I'm doing. I'm feeling that sadness even more than usual as we head into a holiday weekend. I wish you the best. -Jeff
lovelos
lovelos
I feel vey much the same. I respond the same way when someone asks me how I am doing. If I start talking about how I really feel sometimes I break out crying in the grocery store or anywhere. It is just easier this way. The people on this site understand how we feel....it is nice just to let it out and know we understand and care, sending you hugs, Lu Ann
deleted_user
deleted_user
I've had the same answer for 3 yrs. when asked how I am - I'm hanging in there. It usually prevents anymore discussion I don't want to have. If it's close family or friends, I'll give a different answer. We feel the way we feel and don't have to make any excuses for it. It's a roller coaster and no one understands unless they've walked in our shoes. I pray for peace and comfort for all of us. Take care, Sandra
deleted_user
deleted_user
Yesterday was 7 months for me. Like the others, I know exactly how you feel. I tell people that I am "hanging in there". If I say "I'm good", it feels like a lie. I think "I'm ok" is a good answer. There is always a sadness inside of me and it feels like it will always be there. I feel weepier this week, but maybe that is because Monday was my anniversary, yesterday was the 7 month mark and we are heading into a holiday weekend.

I am thinking about taking my children (ages 11 and 15) to see the fireworks on Monday, but it will be so strange to do that without my husband.

Keep hanging in there. -Diane
jerseydebbie
jerseydebbie
I hate the sad look to. It makes me feel like I'm a charity case or something.

My reply is always a simple OK, which is sufficient. I use to feel I had to explain myself, thinking that the person would see and feel the total picture like I do (did). It only opened Pandora's box to comments and suggestions I clearly did not want to hear, nor still want to hear.

Yeah, OK, is a good enough answer. They're not going to understand anyway.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I like the comment " Getting by" It lets them know that you are not ok, but you are putting one step in front of the other and going on. It has helped a great deal. Hugs~Shelley
gone2soon
gone2soon
I hate the sad look also. Just today I had an email from a co-worker in another department asking me how was I doing. Her reply back to me was "I know how you feel". She doesn't know how I feel. Her husband is very much alive and well. Then she ends the email with we should get together sometime on the weekend. Like she will really follow through with that. It really kind of ticked me off. I would rather she not say anything like she has in the past, than to make idle promises. She knows she has no intentions of planning anything and if she does she will cancel it. Sorry just took an opportunity to vent. Thank goodness for this place that we can vent and people will truly understand how we feel.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Just wish I had a dollar for everytime I said I am OK.
Sally
Lininsocal
Lininsocal
At one year and nine months when people ask me how I am or how arwe things going they are just truly concerned about me and how I am. There is no sad apprehensive looks from them, just warm loving hugs and interest. I try not to be so sensitive to the question.
Community Leadermarjoe
marjoe
Sallly, you and I would be millionaires! Nicker, it depends on my state of mind du jour as to how I take it. Sometimes, like Lynn, I really, really appreciate the concern.Other times, I'm like a snarling beast. Inside, that is. Outside, I smile graciously (as "they" rear back, lol). You know what it is? It's the not being able to verbalize exactly how the heck I'm feeling even to myself - so when the question's asked, I don't have the answer even if I could figure out the answer. And it's frustrating. Just don't give me the head tilt. That could make me go postal. Hugs, Marsha
Nicker07
Nicker07
Love the head tilt ...Never thought of that....
deleted_user
deleted_user
Just tonight my pastor asked how I was doing and I simply answer I am doing. I don't know what else to say. Anything else would be a lie. I am going out more because I know it isn't good to stay alone every day by myself. I just started attending a small group bible study because I want an avenue to speak out loud about Steve. I need to say his name and talk about the good stuff so I can get over my sadness every time I say his name I cry. I am not sure it will work but 10 months and counting I just feel like I need to move forward.
deleted_user
deleted_user
At seventeen months, not that many ask anymore. To the ones that do, I say I am doing fine......they really don't want to know and I can't explain to them anyway......they will have to lose their loved one to really understand......so I smile and go on and my heart is always heavy with grief as I quietly go about the business of living.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I like what I've been doing lately with several of my friends. They will ask me how am I doing, I will look at them eye to eye. And tell them just how do you think I fill I just lost my wife. Give them the sadest look and then start to smile and laugh it off. I then tell them I was joking. This is my sense of humor. Then they will always ask ok just how are you. This will always open the door of just how I really feel.

This may be wrong but it helps me. I've alway been a joker and everyone knows me.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I usually say, 'I'm coping...' As oray mentioned about his humor, I started working on the house that Frances had been ragging me about for several years. I'll tell people that the ghost of Frances is laughing at me now. Some get it, some don't, I'm kind of a jokester, too, also. Readers digest used to have a page called, "Laughter Is The Best Medicine'. It might be true