So funny that you bring up this issue. I've recently been struggling with the question myself. I'm not "over" my husband 20 months later, but do I want to go on alone as I am only in my mid 50's. But I'm still so in love with him I can't let go. And yet as more time passes I come to a new level of comprehension that it's over. My life is different whether I want it to be or not. So what do I do now? So complicated. Just wish I could figure it out . I'm guessing I will continue to struggle with this as I don't really know what I want except to have him back.

Kindredspirit I totally agree with you. It will be 4 months on Monday since I lost my sweet husband and I NEVER want to go thru that again. My heart is broken and if it ever heals my brain even tells me the same. When you love someone for 34 years it is hard to fathom to let someone else in.

I know exactly what you are talking about. My darling husband has been gone five very long weeks. A well-meaning friend told me two days after his passing that I would find someone new. I felt I had been slapped in the face. I spent 40+ years loving this man. As of right now, I have no intention of letting someone else in. Like you Msbklyn, I know the only thing I want is to have him back.

I know we all would move mountains to have our loves back. However we all also know that is a impossibility. I've been on this journey almost 11 months. I too am in my mid 50s. If im "lucky" I may live another 20 perhaps even 30 years. That's a long time to be alone. Do I have room in my heart for another true love? Not now. Will I someday? Maybe. Are there more than one soul mate for each of us out there? I don't know. I do know one thing though. I don't ever want to go through this pain a second time. I guess what it comes down to is the individual. What do we want for the rest of our life? When we can honestly answer that within ourselfs we will know what we need to do.

A side note to ladybjt.... One of my oldest friends said the same thing to me not long after my Anne's passing. I shouted back to him..."I don't want to find someone else. I want her back." They mean well. But until they walk in our shoes they will not understand.

Missmyanne...you have that right. And I don't wish this gut wrenching pain on anyone. I am so thankful and blessed to have found this sight.

I call it "Moving forward, and greating"anew" life without our loved ones. There will never be getting over my husband. I have learned to accept the fact that he is not here with me physically anylonger. However, he is here with me spiritually. I decided months ago, to take my time, do my own thing, and let god lead me, or whomever or whatever you believe, to guide you. Learn to love yourself again, after this loss, and heal according to your timeframe, not societal's determination of what we should or shouldn't do. Everyone grieves differently, and give yourself some time. They say when you go through a divorce you need atleast 2 years to heal, recover, and rediscover. I believe in a loss of our spouses sometimes it takes more than 2 years, for me it's going on 3 years, and I at this point, have no desire to remarry, or be in serious relationship. Perhaps in a year or two, have a boyfriend, but I believe I'll wait for guidance from god's will for me. Many blessings, and hope for peace for everyone today. Much love and hugs carla

When I hear that saying "let go" it always makes me wonder, let go of what? Our memories? Our love? That part in our heart reserved just for them? I don't think you have to let go of any of those things to be able to move forward. Everyone of those will always remain with us for the rest of our lives as they should. Our loves were an important part of our life and they will always remain that way. How you choose to live the rest of it is up to you.

Two months after my hubby of 32 years left me, one of my best friends sitting in my kitchen said to me, "oh within a year you will find someone new, fall in love and maybe even be married". It took me by quite a surprise as there was no way on Gods green earth in my mind that that would ever happen again. The first time around albeit the last six years of illness, was wonderful. How could one be so lucky to have that for a second time? I frankly couldn't and wouldn't even consider the thought of another human entering my life and becoming so important to me that I could actually fall in love again. Honestly, she kind of pissed me off when she said it, but she looked at me with such certainty that it made me wonder what she knew that I didn't...what she sensed but I couldn't and maybe more so, what she saw that I was blind to. When asked, she said that she knew me and knew that I still had a lot of love left in me and even more to give to others. I brushed her off as being crazy and not knowing what she spoke of. I'd have given it my all and felt empty and void and unable to fathom conjuring up more love to give. And honestly, I just didn't want to. I had found my happy place on earth, lived it for a long time, and then he died. I figured I would live quietly until it was my turn to join his soul, in the life that I now had to create for myself.

I have always lived my life eyes wide open, full steam ahead. Ira's death caused me to stumble and be blurry eyed for a while but I knew that had to brush myself off and face the world again because to me, life is very precious and I won't waste my days that he would love to have had a second chance at....

I've made many new friends since his passing, several close ones on this site. One in particular seemed to click with me more than others and I became friends with him too. It was so refreshing to talk about normal things other than our grief. Through our similar personalities, interests and beliefs, the innocence of friendship, which built a strong foundation, grew and we became much more, eventually met, fell in love and are planning on spending the rest of our lives together. This turn of events still shocks the both of us to the core as neither one of us never, ever expected nor particularly wanted a second chance at love. We both believe that we were guided to each other by other forces including that of our lost loves. There are too many coincidences and signs to argue the fact.

But let me tell you....it's a different life but just as sweet in it's own unique way. And yes, we know that one of us will pass before the other and we're prepared for that as well. We've been through it once and wouldn't have changed that ride. The beautiful middle of both relationships is well worth the pain that we suffer at the end. How sad it would be to miss the experience that we have had in both of our relationships due to fear.

So… Don't rule anything out especially in the beginning of grief. Emotions are so raw and hurt is so real every single hour of the day. Most people who say "it's time to move on" or "you're to young...you'll find someone else" etc. don't mean harm, they just don't know what to say and I truly believe they only want you to be "happy" in their perception of the word. They don't understand as they don't walk this walk but someday they will. Let's give them the benefit of the doubt and don't take everything said to heart.

My apologies for the length of this post but I just want all of you newer to the site to keep in mind that change of heart does happen and it's okay. It truly is. I'm sure every one of our lost loves would want us to be in a good place within our minds and hearts. That's what eternal love is. Whatever you choose, alone or with someone....be thankful for the love that you had as many don't get the experience of true love even once in their life. It's a gift.

In the favorite words of my sweet friend Gail, also a member here...
"Don't cry because it's over..smile because it happened"..Dr. Seuss

Much love and big warm hugs to all of you....you're always in my thoughts and I hope for peace of mind to eventually enter your lives....the glimmer of light and hope is there....take your time.....it's very patient...

:)
Darcie

I grew so mutually dependent on my husband and didn't realize how much. I was taking care of/ helping him in his sickness, but it was him helping me just by staying alive and loving, caring about me everyday. "What are you getting out of it?" he said. A whole lot, I now know...

I grew so mutually dependent on my husband and didn't realize how much. I was taking care of/ helping him in his sickness, but it was him helping me just by staying alive and loving, caring about me everyday. "What are you getting out of it?" he said. A whole lot, I now know...

I grew so mutually dependent on my husband and didn't realize how much. I was taking care of/ helping him in his sickness, but it was him helping me just by staying alive and loving, caring about me everyday. "What are you getting out of it?" he said. A whole lot, I now know...

Hi everyone. It's been almost 10 months for me and I was with my husband for 31 years. I am in my mid-50's. I do not feel ready to "move on". I know that people who tell me I am too young to be alone mean well but they have it wrong. It has nothing to do with age. I may have a boyfriend some day but today is not that day.

Sylvia

Dear Kindredspirit, I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear wife. Yes, two years is just a drop of water in the ocean of time and space. My husband, John, passed away two years now. Where did the time go, like a lightning flash in the sky, riding on a wild rollercoaster ride. There will never be any "moving on", spiritually and emotionally, just physically on this earth. So when well-meaning friends and family tell us to "move on, you will find someone else", they are just trying to comfort us, as they could never comprehend the grief we are feeling for losing our loved one. When a man and woman are together in love, devotion and loyalty, whether for a few years or for 50 years of marriage, it is the heart and spirit that binds us together, forever. Our bodies are physical vessels here on earth, while our spirits will rise and live on in another spiritual realm, where our loved ones now live in love, joy, free of physical pain. I know this for a positive fact. John's spirit is with me. He has shown me some strong, physical signs, especially a few times that I was in complete emotional meltdown. He came to me in spirit. I crochet afghans and have yarn all over my apartment. One day in December 2016, around Christmas time, I was beside myself emotionally and out of control. I got up one morning around 4:00 a.m. to get a drink of water, turned on the light. On the kitchen floor there was a 12 inch line of red yarn (his favorite color) that was drawn in a metaphoric symbol of our life and love together. His spirit shaped an 8 inch piece of yarn, showing our 30 years of life together, then wove it together to make two hearts together, then one single piece of yarn drawn away from the hearts outward. I knew right away that John's spirit gave me this message. Their spirits can do physical things on this earth. I dropped to my knees, sobbing. I could not believe this, thought I was hallucinating. So I got my camera to take a picture of the yarn on the floor and sure enough it was real. So I sat on the chair sobbing, but then all of a sudden I stopped crying and then knew the answer he telepathically sent to me. Go to church Christmas morning. So I did, the people there were so nice, comforting and spiritual. John's spirit gave me the gift of courage, emotional strength and comfort to know he is with me in spirit, and that our love will be forever. Now when I want to be with John, in the evening, I listen to our music (it took me almost two years to listen again) by Johnny Mathis, Andrea Bocelli, Sarah Jones. John was a beautiful Italian man who had a beautiful singing voice and he used to sing all those songs to me. So, yes, I am glad that we had our love together, a gift in my life. As to the future in time with another man, another love, only in our pathway of life are we destined to meet another person, for a reason.

So, all the dear newbies on this website, my heart truly aches for your grief and sorrow, but one bit of comfort I can offer you is that "the past is gone, the present is a gift, and there is hope for the future." You have just begun your journey of grief. Just hang on tight. up high in that rollercoaster ride, some day you will land on your feet, emerge in your new life, strong, with peace, joy and contentment, knowing in your life that you were the only one who brought yourself through this journey of grief. I do not feel sorry for myself and carry grief in my heart because I lost John. I carry a deep grief and sadness in my heart that John is not here on this earth to enjoy his life, his peanut butter and banana sandwiches and coffee in the morning, watching the sunrise. These are the true, simple gifts in life, my friends, all the rest, the chaos, legal and business matters we have to manage, as you well know, are truly insignificant in the light of the intensity of the trauma and shock we experience in losing our loved one. So now, here without John for two years, living in another state 1,500 miles away, a woman alone, sitting at my window, looking outside in quiet contemplation, at the trees, water, grass, birds, even though there will always be that deep sadness in my heart, John's spirit is with me.

Just open your heart, look up to the sky, smile, and know that your loved one in spirit will always be there with you. Just take heart, have hope, and even though we all strongly wish to "go back in time and have our life back together", that is so unbelievably gone in time. Take care, my friends. Come back often to talk, we are all here for each other, with kindness, compassion, understanding, and no judgement.
Hugs and sunflowers, Nanette

That was beautifully stated, Nanette.

I definitely can relate, just take it one day at a time, it is your life, people mean well but they don't live your life, do things in your own time, not on the timing of others.

this grief is completely our own to walk, hurt and (hopefully) heal in some way. but it is a Hard road. I doubt ever being whole again. not for me, after 41 yrs married, & right after high school.