Darlene, this post was priceless. I read this twice, as it was so well written and from the heart.

i especially like the Grief monster being on the sofa and decided to bring his 'friends' along. BOY if we all have not, and sometimes still are there! And yes, as much as we try to agnore the world, anger it away, sleep it away, it still keeps going!? RUDE is all I can say! don't they know that the world STOPPED? And yet, babies are born, people fall in love, and do all the things we did in our 'used to' world!!!

You know, you are a pretty darn good writer! Ever think of that? As you said, you journal alot, and are starting a grief support group with is AMAZING! Maybe you could make notes and make it into a book someday? Wouldn't Nick be proud of that? :-)

i have the same problem as you in the finding NEW things to do, but I'm just tking each day as it comes for now. I have thought of taking a dance class! I have two VERY LEFT feet, and would love to learn some of the classics! I have checked into it, and you don't have to have a partner to join. supposed to be good excersice too, so I'm thinking on it. How about a book club? having someplace to meet others who have read the same book, discussing it, and be social at the same time?

wish I could be more help, but that's all i got right now! I am excercising just a bit more, and that IS helping with the friends of that grief monster! Hey! Maybe pole dancing? I hear that's really good excercise/ NO WAY! lol I'd brak a hip! ;-0

Love to you dear f riend, and giving that manster and those unwanted friends of his the BIG HEAVE HO!!! Diane

hi darle its been 3 years for me what keeps me going is that i have my grandaughter and daughter living with me they keep my mind occupied hugs dave

I moved...a little drastic ; ), started a new job and a new church. I joined a lot of the women's activities in the church. Just so you don't feel alone the 1st year for me sounded about the same as yours, only I added drinking to the mess and never having drank before It was not pleasant nor did it help eventually we have to wake up and face reality so I finally did and I did not like reality all that much but it was still better than misery so I decided to stay and face my demons. I will be at 5 years soon and to be honest I sometimes still feel angry and sad but not as often and not as long. To be honest and I hated it when people said it to me but it is true that no matter what I tried it was time that healed my broken spirit. My husband loved me but he would have been doing things that made him happy right away that is the way he rolled : ) and he would be shaking his head at me for wasting time getting back to living again. My suggestion is whatever you enjoy that helps and let time do the healing! Hugs!!!!

Something I try to do every day, especially if I am extremely sad, is count my blessings. These can be my home, my car, enough income to survive, fairly good health (at 73), children & grandchildren who love me etc. , the Love of God that sustains me. Some people on this board have serious financial problems & have had or are having to move etc. Have you considered volunteering at some organization for helping families? At one time I volunteered once a week at a Ronald McDonald House. They provide rooms for families whose children are in ICU in a med ctr. here. I checked new people in - showed them around etc. This was before I lost my husband, but it did make me count my blessings at the time -- so many little children have serious illnesses. There are many worthy organizations who welcome volunteers. It's a way to get out and think of something besides your own sorrow. We have to eventually come to accept what has happened, make an effort to live our life one day at a time, and look for at least one positive thing to concentrate on that day. My husband and I were married almost 51 yrs. -- so it truly left a large hole in my heart & life when he died 3 yrs. ago. I realize that it was a great blessing to have a 50-yr marriage, because many lives are cut short in their 40s & 50s. I do have lonely days, and holidays are the pits at times because friends are busy. However, I have great neighbors, a beautiful view of a lake out my door, and I'm going to try to keep my "Bucket Half Full" instead of "Half Empty" as much as I possibly can.

Perhaps de-cluttering your home would lift your spirits. I'm sure this is not easy - and there are professionals who help with this if you don't have family or friends to call on. I did some re-decorating after I lost Frank -- just my den and our bedroom -- but this lifted my spirits. I didn't want to see his empty chair every minute - so I replaced it and the other chair & sofa in our den, got a new rug, new pictures etc. Just small changes to make it MY room and a new look for the room where we spent most of our days. Some can't bear to get rid of "his chair" but everyone has to decide these things for themselves.

Have you tried anti-depressant meds? These can also help - talk to your dr. about it if you haven't. I wish you peace, courage and strength in the days ahead. Make an effort to CHANGE the things you can to make your home & life better -- and then do it . No one can do this for us.
May God bless and comfort you -- Doye

Darlene, I tried all the same things as you and it did not work for me either. I heard the same thing....try something that you and your husband did not do............IMPOSSIBLE !!, .....we did everything together........I finally decided that nothing around me was going to change, (people were continuing on with their lives), so I had to change.....but how.....little by little.....
Weather here is breaking from the cold gloomy winterdays to brighter sunny blue sky days so this has helped me get motivated to get out of the house.... I go to the indoor track, I just walk aimously around....but at least I am out of the house. Some days I just go for a drive.
I couldn't read for a long time, no concentration. Now I pick up books that I would normally not read and that I can not relate to any of my life to....have read about 10 so far.
I also go have coffee everyday with a friend, again to break up routine of doing nothing all day....
Started doing a few jigsaw puzzles to help divert the mind......
I sincerely hope you find something that works for you as it sure makes the days long and miserable without getting out and breaking up this agony........hugs

Wow the replies here are so positive. I think that's the key to a lot of things.I have thought of joining a singles group not necessarily to date but to meet more people who are widowed. I made the call at one year but I think I will try it at three years. I want to be with my grandchildren more now. I pushed everyone away at first. I worried that my state of mind would scare them. I love that I now can think of Jim without tears most of the time. I now can remember him and smile. I want to find a new job one with less travel and use of my car. My car has to last a while. I am so happy that I had Jim and still want to talk about him a lot. Have lost some friends for that very reason. I have refinanced my house all by myself and to tell you the truth I am proud of me just like I know he would be. All in all at almost 3 years my life is better but there is so much room for improvement. I am trying! New interests can help. I would like to learn to line dance and I don't even like country music. It would grow on me for sure. The whole world is there for all of us to enjoy......we just have to learn to do these things alone. Hugs

Darlene, I wish I had brilliant suggestions for you, but I'm trying to find my motivation button myself. My grief counselor has told me to explore new places, hobbies or anything I have not done before, but my problem is getting motivated enough to do it. I recently read an article about grief work being comprehensive not just emotional and that we need to relieve the body of all the tension and stress, so you have the motivation and energy to start new things, like exercise, classes, social activities, etc. I've started acupuncture treatments and I plan to go back to the Spa and get pampered for a day, that's the way I dealt with my stress before and I have not been to the Spa in 7 months. I don't know if this appeals to you, but self nurturing is at the top of my list so I can tackle all the other stuff I have put off because I don't have the energy, motivation or clarity to do it. By-the-way, Acupuncture seems to help with depression as well. I feel a lot lighter after the treatments -- My anxiety has pretty much gone away after 4 treatments. I had never had acupuncture before, so I guess this is a NEW thing for me! I hope you find ways to get yourself in some sort of balance so you can tackle the clutter, I have two rooms full of stuff that I can't seem to deal with, but as I gain my energy and balance I hope to finally get my house in the orderly and organized shape it was before all this happened to me.
Sending you healing energy for your body and heart!! Love and Hugs! Connie

There is no time line for healing from grief. Sometimes there are things you might find you have not faced front on - maybe its not the time either.

Grief has many faces comes out many ways.....I found many helpful books I read that made me go AH huh thats how I truly felt and some understanding or acceptance thats normal helped me also....My favorite book " Seven Choices Finding daylight after loss shatters your world" by Elizabeth Harper Neeld

I also feel for me talking it out with someone who let me talk and say what I needed to say helped.....I did talk a long time for many days, nights, weeks, months and a year.....

Please do not beat yourself up for what you are feeling - remember one baby steps helps the next bigger steps

I too am boycotting the world, and it hasn't worked out for me all that great yet either. However, the alternative, becoming part of the world again, is just too painful for me to consider yet. How can I become part of a world that doesn't have my Berna in it? I don't want to be part of such a world.

So the fact that you are looking to at least try new things, things that may open you up to the world again, means that maybe you are making some progress in taking down that grief monster. He's a tough cookie, and his friends are no whimps either. It's a hard battle, but it sounds like you're hanging tough, tougher than I am anyway.

One suggestion I have for you is to learn how to play something you can play with a group of women on a regular basis, like Mah Jong or Canasta. I'm sure that's something new that you haven't done with Nick. You can ever start by playing online, a good way to learn. When you're ready it will be easy to find a group to play with.

You can also ease yourself gently into the world by opening your mail. I hate getting mail, it reminds me that the world is still out there and doing just fine without me. But every day I go get the mail and gor through it, you don't want to let something important slip through the cracks. Anyway, getting the mail is really the only "outside" exposure I get of late.

May your re-entry into the world bring you joy and peace.

God Bless, Sal

Darlene - such a well written post, and your "protest against the world", ah, yes. I just want to add one thing to everyone else's comments - whatever you choose to try, it can be just that...trying. If it works for you, great, and if it doesn't, no harm done. I say this because at first even the idea of trying could be daunting. so knowing this made it a little easier. I started yoga classes, and really like it. A note, though - when doing downward dog, don't be wearing shorts. Gazing at my wrinkled kneecaps almost undid me. It took me 18 months, give or take, to be able to read a book again. When I could, it was like the floodgates opened. I love to make soup. Just chopping and mixing and tasting has gotten me through some bad days. Hugs to you, Marsha

Darlene it is amazing how the grief monster invites himself in and won`t leave dispite him not being welcomed in our homes. Like Diane I also read your post a few times and I have sat here trying to figure out what new things I have done to bring some joy in my life since Larry was taken from me. I went to a few sessions as well and that is exactly what she told me to do. As I sit here the only thing I have done differently is spend time on DS....

A friend and I have started Zumba. I bought an xbox 360 for my grandchildren and bought the zumba game for me. My friend was spending $20 to go to a class and now she comes to spend time with me a few times a week....it is nice to have life in the house for the time she is here with me.

Starting a grief group....good for you. I wish you lived closer to me, Hugs Lu Ann

I have recently found MeetUp.com. You put in your interests, or even something you might want to try - they have lists . Put in where you live, or travel to, and you get lots of groups that do things. Walking the mall, book clubs, eating at new places, ect. I found a group of women that find used book stores and we review them - and even have a little fun (?) Lots of senior activities, hope this gives you something to think about! G-

I love this post! You said what so many of us feel or felt early on. I am further down the road and didn't even realize, but I do almost everything different than before. Before (when Denny was alive), I practically dragged my husband to each of our children's houses whom we visited often together. I would sometimes go with him and sometimes alone to his sisters, his brothers, my mothers, my sisters, my friends. And he and I always went to our children's events when they were growing up.

A couple of years after he died I realized that the road is exactly the same distance from their house to mine as it is from my house to theirs....everyone!

I would drive to people's house 20 times a year and have no expectations for people to come and see me. I think I spoiled everyone.

I decided that the best thing I could do for everyone is start taking care of myself. I started going to church. At first I bought a Wii and used that for a few months. I started eating right (less processed foods, more vegetables and fruits, lean meats, and later I joined Curves. Curves sold out to another gym a year later and I started going to that gym. I lost 30 lbs and feel more alive (physically) than I ever have.

I just started line dancing once a week about a month and a half ago and that is a blast! I was sure I had two left feet and can't tell my left from my right half of the time....but if I just watch the instructor in front of me..I actually can learn.

I'm afraid I do not see my children and grand children as much,
(some of them are supportive of the "new" me and others are not even speaking to me...because I've changed.)

Yeah....I've changed....I have to "live" and refuse to just exist!

So..yeah..."grief makes us want to just sit and ferment forever. It is up to us to kick our @$$#$ out the door (but only when WE are ready), and it will not feel right for a very very long time...but eventually the sun does shine once more.

hugs...
-Diana

Darlene, Thank you for your post. I am not far down the road yet, but understand how everything has changed. I also am finding that I have to find my way as a single person, doing new things. The previous things we did sometimes just emphasizes the empty place there. Something that might connect to your love of nature might be photography. Composing and taking pictures of those beautiful places, or even nature shots around your home, birds, trees, etc. can help you connect with the "world" but not too many people. I hope you can find those special friends to help you through. Great job with the support group. Peace. Darleen

Thank you to everyone who has given me helpful suggestions and emotional support. Since I made this post I have tried following up on some of the ideas: I checked on MeetUp.com and found there were not any groups within a 50 mile radius of where I live. I went on line and I did find one book club in our area. I will get the book they are reading for March and start attending. There are not any creative writing classes anywhere in the area I live. However I will contact the Adult Education programs at our main school district & see if they ever offer any. I also tackled the house a little!!
My main problem seems to be motivation. I am finding that sleeping full time is getting easier every day. I will keep trying the suggestions given. Thank you all so much for taking the time to care and to share. I appreciate each of you! Hugs to you! Darlene